Our conversations revolve mostly around guitars, music and church. Things that we have in common. Ever since she knew I am a believer, I have this feeling she wants to tell me something more but for some reason is not very forth coming with it. Sometimes she would drop by my desk complaining of boredom and then trying to talk a little, which can be anything except IT. Or she would just hang around my desk for nothing in particular. Often, she would come to flip the papers but she wasn't really reading them either. There was once she came with a weird, almost sad kinda look and stood in front of me for a while, hanged her head, sigh and then walk away. ??? I don't really know what do do with this. And I thought my friend Chii was strange enough!
There is a story she wants to tell. That has become obvious by now. But I have remained passive thus far. Having history repeat itself would be too stressful at this moment. Besides, I am generally disconnected these days. I think my over eating is zapping the life out of me. I should start fasting again, really.
But TODAY, just now, I popped her the question.
"You wanna tell me about it?"
"It's a long story"
I wanted to say it's ok, I have all the time in the world but stopped right there. Do I really wanna do this?
"Let me guess,............."
And so that was how it went. She offered only one piece of the jigsaw but that was fine. Cos it's really about her, not me. If letting out is good for her, I hope she would trust me enough to share but if she rather not say, that is fine by me too. I am not really in the mood for deep conversations either.
Just before we call it a day, she sent me some lyrics from dcTalk, which I read, re-read and then read some more. It was a very delicate moment. Here is a girl I hardly know, trying to share her secret with me through dc Talk. The words reveal quite a bit but left the main issue hidden. She is taking her time, testing the waters to see if they are safe before she takes the plunge. I do not know if I should encourage or deter her. I am afraid I might start thinking I am Jesus again. That would be disastrous for both of us.
But my heart aches with her when I read dc Talk.
sorrow is a lonely feeling
unsettled is a painful place
i've lived with both for far too long now
since we've parted ways
i've been wrestling with my conscience
and i found myself to blame
if there is to be a resolution
i've got to peel my pride away