Excuse Me, Are You Available?
For me personally, February 14th doesn't mean a thing. Not then, not now. I am tempted to say....and never will. But thought that would be too arrogant. Haha. Who knows what God will do for me in the future? But for now, I know I have shut all doors. I have always encouraged people to go out there and take the risk to love again because it will be worth it. When I say things like that, it was more out of theory than personal experience. Opps!
I do believe there was a time when I have experienced the intoxicating nature of love. But I have long washed it out of my memory. So I guess you can say I am living with a handicap now. The handicap of being able to love and be loved again (in the romantic sense of it). I don't cry silent tears. I don't reminiscence about lost love or whatsoever. I don't feel it. I don't hope for it. I don't want it. I don't need it. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I don't want to or I don't have the ability to. I'd like to think it's both. I believe in a God of miracles. I know, to God all things are possible. But I think the issue now is not about God's power or his willingness to resurrect this love. The problem now is, I don't want to have it. I don't think God is gonna force it down my throat either. But my conviction is that He will work out His purposes in spite of it. For His glory. And I'm quite excited to see how it will unfold.
I feel like a hypocrite whenever I urge my friends not to give up on love. Because I seem to have. But I am not sorry that I have. For some reason, I am very contented living without it. I am referring solely to love between a man and a women. The Greeks call it eros love. So please don't over dramatize it to include all kinds of love. I am not that pathethic. I thrive instead on philia (friendship love), storge (familial love) and agape (divine, unconditional love). If you have known agape, you will know why eros can never compare to it. That is not to say, we don't need eros. Some people just need more of one than the other. But agape (the purest form of love) is the only love that is reliable. This much I know.
A word for those singles out there, you CAN be happy without a partner. But if you can find that special someone in whom true love abides, you'll be doubly blessed. But if you don't, you can still have a fulfilling life with God in it. He won't leave his children wanting. This time I am speaking out of personal experience, not theory.
I do dread sometimes, thinking, if one day another man were to actively pursue me would it tear down all the walls I have built around myself? I know that living with such a deep gap leaves me more vulnerable. I dread that the deep vacuum couldn't resist the affection pushing it's way through. I am afraid it might just rush in to fill in the gap. But I doubt so. I seriously doubt so. God fills that vacuum now. At least for now.
It is really pointless to think about it anyway. Even if I'm emotionally, psychologically and physically available, I will always be unavailable technically. Because, well because......... I am MARRIED.
"Excuse me, are you available?"
"NO, in every sense of it. Period."
Here's a toast to LOVE.