I am feeling low today. Depressed. There is a lot in my heart needing to be released and I wish I could do it here but even that is not possible now. With my husband just across the room, I'll never be able to have that private time again, to grieve.... to cry.... to just be. I remember how it was when I was a young mother, lonely, frustrated and deeply depressed. I remember wishing I could just drink myself to sleep some days. But I could not. Not with my child sleeping next to me, needing me when he wakes in the middle of the night. Parental responsibility forced me to stay sober. What else could I do but to push everything down, jumping on the lid to make sure it was good and shut. I needed to be strong for my son.
Now 10 years on and another child later, some things have changed. God is in my life now. Besides a troubled marriage and the pressures of child rearing, there are now other issues I struggle with. Some of it comes because I choose to follow God. There are still times I feel lonely, misunderstood. I still drink occasionally, like now. Though not in such self-destructive ways as I did before.
Father, if it's true as pastor says, as your word says, even a groan will reach your throne, then Father I do not have words to offer you tonight, not even tears. Will you accept silence as prayer? I hope you do because that's all I have.