The Ragamuffin Kid

I Have Moved

2007-08-31T11:02:00.000+08:00

Dear Friends,

After 3 years, I finally figured that I need a blog overhaul!

It is with great pleasure that I introduce you to my new blogsite,tilted halos at Wordpress. Thank you for sharing this incredible journey with me.

See you at there!

rk

Getting to Know Me Better

2007-08-13T10:32:00.000+08:00

I was bored the other day and decided to take this test just for fun. Oh my.... am I fascinated by the amount of information about my personality type (ISFJ). Of course like any other such test, it's not 100% accurate but this is the closest so far. So do give it a try. You'll be amazed. To be honest I took the Personality Test (PT) twice while only once for the Multiple Intelligences (most of it are obvious). There are certain questions that are not exactly black and white (referring to the PT). Some of them are pretty subjective, so I had a tough time deciding. I guess no one is over 90% leaning on one side. There is usually a little of the opposite trait as well. So the chart up there is very helpful. As you can see, while I am clearly a "introverted-judging" type with over 80% leaning towards that direction, how I make decisions however, is a balance between feeling and thinking.

Incidentally I am in the right job (administrative) for my personality type (no wonder I last this long). The multiple intelligences test however, suggests quite a different variety.....uh hermm... phychologist, philosopher, theologian, writer. Hmm...... well, you know what, don't be surprise if I tell you that all of these have at least crossed my mind more than once in recent years. It bet I could actually be one given the right training. Haha. I am not surprised to see that my visual/spatial, music and interpersonal capabilities are all at 50%. I certainly have a keen interest in them. I studied fashion and make-up while I was younger but have always felt a certain "limitation", thus they never really took off. Now if only I have studied, psychology or philosophy. Oh well. But does anyone know of a career that matches both my personality and intelligences? Hmm...it's a tough one.

To read the full ISFJ profile plus detailed information of the various components that make up my profile, visit mypersonality.info

rk

Korean Hostages in Afghanistan

2007-08-01T15:45:00.000+08:00

This is not going to be a well thought out piece where I go through a few rounds of editing. It's just going to come out as it is.

I'm angry, upset and disappointed with the way things are turning out in Afghanistan with regards with the Korean hostages. The whole situation has been met with indifference, insensitive criticisms and mindless blaming. I'm sick to my stomach. If some of you don't know what I'm talking about, it just goes to show how silent the media has been.

If I dare to admit and be totally honest, I am even angry, upset and disappointed with God. But that's something I will sort out in my own private time with God later.

I urge you to please do what is within your ability. Be it to spread awareness, sign petitions, gather together or privately to pray, just.... whatever you can in your own way, that you think can help in some small ways. May I direct you to this blog by Eugene Cho. He has got pretty extensive coverage on the situation. You'll find lots of details there. If you feel criticism or an impulse to blame, rising up within you, I beg you to stop. There will be a time for you to voice that. Now is not it. Now is the time to contribute something positive.

rk

A Longing That Shouldn't Be

2007-07-25T16:19:00.000+08:00

I looked out the foggy window at carefully planted rows of trees that moved by slowly as our bus made it's way through the early morning traffic. Beyond them are houses and apartments looking tranquil and contented in the early morning shower, as if they've just woken up from a deep satisfying slumber. Rainy days, when it's not a thunderstorm out there, are heaven's refreshing. Rain as light as feather, descending upon the earth like showers of a billion rose petals. The scent in the air was thick with hope and all things beautiful. Flowing out of my earphones and through the spaces between my consciousness came a gentle, melodious voice, carrying with it a certain longing.

What the world needs now
Is love, sweet love
It's the only thing
That there's just too little of

What the world needs now
Is love, sweet love
No not just for some
But for everyone

I pulled my sweater closer and continued to gaze out the window. The trees and houses receded, leaving only the words of the song and the quiet pattering of the rain. I remember the words I read recently, "when something stirs your heart, remember that I am loving you." A faint smile broke out of the corner of my lips as I slumped back and rested my head on the window, subjecting my body to the gentle rocking of the bus as it wind it's way through.

I know You love me but we both know that other longing. Why stir it up when I have determined never to cross it's path again? I let out a silent sigh of resignation.

Lord we don't need another mountain
There are mountains and hillsides
Enough to climb
There are oceans and rivers
Enough to cross
Enough to last
Till the end of time

What the world needs now
Is love, sweet love...

As we waited at a traffic junction, a series of visions started to intrude my private world. Like a slide show presentation, they played themselves before me. A couple sat in an embrace as they looked out towards the horizon, waiting for the break of dawn. In another, a girl had her arms wrapped snugly around those of her partner as they walked pass, their silhouette coming together in unison. Later, she was laying by the fireplace propped up on her elbows as she read from a book. Sitting across from her is her lover, watching and listening to the silence of inexpressible contentment and happiness, as though there is not a care in the world.

Lord we don't need another meadow
There are cornfields and wheatfields
Enough to grow
And there are sunbeams and moonbeams
Enough to shine
So listen, Lord
If you want to know

What the world needs now
Is love, sweet love
It's the only thing
That there's just too little of

What the world needs now
Is love, sweet love
No not just for some
But for everyone

I thought of all the opportunities and temptations I hsve let pass over the years. How is it that I feel so in-control and yet so bound.

The lights turned green and with a jolt we started moving again, leaving the visions behind.....till the next time God stirs my heart again.

Until then, I'll be okay. >wink<

rk

God's Blog and Anne Frank

2007-07-17T16:59:00.000+08:00

I just finished Anne Frank's diary (more on that later) a week ago and suddenly felt the motivation to write. I take that as a good sign. When I'm writing I'm processing my thoughts. So yeah, it's a good thing to think about what I'm thinking.

Lately I have resorted to borrowing books from the local library. In the past, most of my books were bought from particular stores as most of the time I know what I wanted and where to find them. It's always easier to get them from one place rather than having to search the library. And of course I had a bigger budget for books then. So the library is my saving grace now.

Two titles caught my attention that day, God's Blog by Lanny Donoho and Anne Frank: Beyond the Diary. I am very pleased with both.

In God's Blog, Donoho uses the latest communication tool to introduce many biblical principles on a wide variety of subject ranging from creation, to music, to laughter. It is a refreshing new way to rediscover God again. You get the feeling that God himself is talking to you. That was how I felt. It is actually a very small book that can easily be finished in one sitting. I wasn't expecting deep theology but I think I went away with something even better - a renewed appreciation for the God that I have come to know and love. God is not limited to deep and mighty things. In fact, most often he speaks to us through ordinary, simple things.

Here's an excerpt from the book, speaking of music....

"The gift of Music is an expression for and from your soul...and your soul is connected to Me. After watching and listening to so many of you do so much with this gift today, I want to pass along a message:

This gift inside you is a piece of Me.

If it makes you want to move or dance, if it stirs your soul and calms your spirit, if it makes you wanna shout or run or ..... makes you move faster on your treadmill while it is piped into your head through your iPod....

it's Me.

I AM the music.

Remember this: The next time you download a song from the internet (legally, of course), or sing a song in the shower, or turn on the radio in your car to hear your favorite oldies, or slip on a pair of Bose noise-reduction headphones that you paid two hundred bucks for, and your favorite song comes in ringing through your eardrums....and your heart and soul become enthralled with sound....and your mind is enveloped with this amazing thing called music - remember....

what you're hearing is a gift
from your Creator
because I love you
and I want to
stir your soul."

There is another "post" which is also one of my favourites, about God wanting to burst the bubble his people have created to separate themselves. I really want to share that with you but alas I need to move on to the next book.

I know most of you have read Anne Frank's Diary. After all, it's one of the world's most widely read book. Through her writing, Anne Frank has become of the most renowned and discussed of Holocaust victims. I was never interested in history, let alone the history of a minority race. But all that changed when I became a Christian. Suddenly history comes alive because all of history becomes His-story. Naturally, the history of His chosen people, the Jews, became of particular interest to me ever since, not only because I could trace their story all the way back to Abraham in Genesis but also because what happens to them continue to have a bearing on present day history and beyond.

Now back to the book. The diary, which was given to Anne on her 13th birthday, chronicles her life from June 1942 to August 1944. She died in one of the concentration camps when she was only 16. Beyond the Diary is a photographic remembrance of this young Jewish girl whose story of adolescent life during the German occupation of Netherlands in World War II has touched millions and opened the eyes of many millions more to "the folly of indifference and the terrible toil it takes on our young" as Hillary Clinton puts it. I have not read The Diary itself but I will. I intend to read The Critical Edition because I like that it contains almost all the different diary texts, as well as information on the Frank family's background, their life in hiding, and their betrayal.

I am glad I started with Beyond The Diary because it provided some needed context and there is something so humanizing about those photographs. In them, Anne has not yet passed into historical legend. I felt a chill down my spine every time I look at those photos. They were such ordinary photos of everyday life that I could easily find in my own album. There was Anne in her bathing suit with her sister and a group of neighborhood friends and Anne when she was a toddler and later on in grade school, and many others more with her family, all of them with smiling faces that speaks only of innocence. All these before the diary, before the attic. Knowing the fate that waited them was what brought those chills. I recalled descriptions off the dark pages of Wiesel's Night and horrific images from Speilberg's Schindler's List and contrasted it with the bright and innocent tone of Anne's writings and those photographs. It is therefore noteworthy and particularly heart warming to read these words from this young girl, who also writes about ordinary day to day issues that besets an adolescent life, like disagreement with parents, sibling rivalry and boyfriends. Anna Quindlen wrote of Anne in the introduction to Beyond the Diary,

" We know Anne Frank the victim and Anne Frank the fugitive. This is Anne Frank the free, the living, the person who was able to write what has become a life lesson for millions of us in the years since: "In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart."

Wouldn't you say she is one amazing girl?

rk

Dear Mr President

2007-07-05T17:11:00.000+08:00

A friend of mine shared this video with me. It made my hair stand the moment I heard it, though I don't know if all the blame should be pushed to Bush alone.

Dear Mr President by Pink

rk

Where is God When It Hurts?

2007-06-19T16:54:00.000+08:00

I read this piece on Christianity Today's site not too long ago and found my heart deeply comforted. It just goes to show that what we need most in times of suffering is not pet answers and hasty promises but an acknowledgement of our pain and the proclamation of hope. I'm posting it here mainly for myself, as a reminder, if and when I do walk through the valley of the shadows.

A sermon given on the Virginia Tech campus two weeks after the shootings.
Philip Yancey posted 6/06/2007 05:31PM

We gather here still trying to make sense of what happened in Blacksburg, still trying to process the unprocessable. We come together in this place, as a Christian community, partly because we know of no better place to bring our questions and our grief and partly because we don't know where else to turn. As the apostle Peter once said to Jesus, at a moment of confusion and doubt, "Lord, to whom else can we go?"

In considering how to begin today, I found myself following two different threads. The first thread is what I would like to say, the words I wish I could say. The second thread is the truth.
I wish I could say that the pain you feel will disappear, vanish, never to return. I'm sure you've heard comments like these from parents and others: "Things will get better." "You'll get past this." "This too shall pass." Those who offer such comfort mean well, and it's true that what you feel now you will not always feel. Yet it's also true that what happened on April 16, 2007, will stay with you forever. You are a different person because of that day, because of one troubled young man's actions.

I remember one year when three of my friends died. In my thirties then, I had little experience with death. In the midst of my grief, I came across these lines from George Herbert that gave me solace: "Grief melts away / Like snow in May / As if there were no such cold thing." I clung to that hope even as grief smothered me like an avalanche. Indeed, the grief did melt away, but like snow it also came back, in fierce and unexpected ways, triggered by a sound, a smell, some fragment of memory of my friends.

So I cannot say what I want to say, that this too shall pass. Instead, I point to the pain you feel, and will continue to feel, as a sign of life and love. I'm wearing a neck brace because I broke my neck in an auto accident. For the first few hours as I lay strapped to a body board, medical workers refused to give me pain medication because they needed my response. The doctor kept probing, moving my limbs, asking, "Does this hurt? Do you feel that?" The correct answer, the answer both he and I desperately wanted, was, "Yes. It hurts. I can feel it." Each sensation gave proof that my spinal cord had not been severed. Pain offered proof of life, of connection—a sign that my body remained whole.

Love and Pain
In grief, love and pain converge. Cho felt no grief as he gunned down your classmates because he felt no love for them. You feel grief because you did have a connection. Some of you had closer ties to the victims, but all of you belong to a body to which they too belonged. When that body suffers, you suffer. Remember that as you cope with the pain. Don't try to numb it. Instead, acknowledge it as a perception of life and of love.

Medical students will tell you that in a deep wound, two kinds of tissue must heal: the connective tissue beneath the surface and the outer, protective layer of skin. If the protective tissue heals too quickly, the connective tissue will not heal properly, leading to complications later on. The reason this church and other ministries on campus offer counseling and hold services like this one is to help the deep, connective tissue heal. Only later will the protective layer of tissue grow back in the form of a scar.

We gather here as Christians, and as such we aspire to follow a man who came from God 2,000 years ago. Read through the Gospels, and you'll find only one scene in which someone addresses Jesus directly as God: "My Lord and my God!" Do you know who said that? It was doubting Thomas, the disciple stuck in grief, the last holdout against believing the incredible news of the Resurrection.

In a tender scene, Jesus appeared to Thomas in his newly transformed body, obliterating Thomas's doubts. What prompted that outburst of belief, however—"My Lord and my God!"—was the presence of Jesus' scars. "Feel my hands," Jesus told him. "Touch my side." In a flash of revelation, Thomas saw the wonder of Almighty God, the Lord of the universe, stooping to take on our pain.

God doesn't exempt even himself from pain. God joined us and shared our human condition, including its great grief. Thomas recognized in that pattern the most foundational truth of the universe: that God is love. To love means to hurt, to grieve. Pain is a mark of life.

The Jews, schooled in the Old Testament, had a saying: "Where Messiah is, there is no misery." After Jesus, you could change that saying to: "Where misery is, there is the Messiah." "Blessed are the poor," Jesus said, "and those who hunger and thirst, and those who mourn, and those who are persecuted." Jesus voluntarily embraced every one of these hurts.

So where is God when it hurts? We know where God is because he came to earth and showed us his face. You need only follow Jesus around and note how he responded to the tragedies of his day: with compassion—which simply means "to suffer with"—and with comfort and healing.

I would also like to answer the question why? Why this campus rather than Virginia Commonwealth or William and Mary? Why these 33 people? I cannot tell you, and I encourage you to resist anyone who offers a confident answer. God himself did not answer that question for Job, nor did Jesus answer why questions. We have hints, but no one knows the full answer. What we do know, with full confidence, is how God feels. We know how God looks on the campus of Virginia Tech right now because God gave us a face, a face that was streaked with tears. Where misery is, there is the Messiah.

Not everyone will find that answer sufficient. When we hurt, sometimes we want revenge. We want a more decisive answer. Frederick Buechner said, "I am not the Almighty God, but if I were, maybe I would in mercy either heal the unutterable pain of the world or in mercy kick the world to pieces in its pain." God did neither. He sent Jesus. God joined our world in all its unutterable pain in order to set in motion a slower, less dramatic solution, one that involves us.

One day a man said to me, "You wrote a book called Where Is God When It Hurts, right?" Yes. "Well, I don't have much time to read. Can you just answer that question for me in a sentence or two?" I thought for a second and said, "I guess I'd have to answer that with another question: 'Where is the church when it hurts?'"

The eyes of the world are trained on this campus. You've seen satellite trucks parked around town, reporters prowling the grounds of your school. Last fall, I visited Amish country near the site of the Nickel Mines school shootings. As happened here, reporters from every major country swarmed the hills of Pennsylvania, looking for an angle. They came to report on evil and instead ended up reporting on the church. The Amish were not asking, "Where is God when it hurts?" They knew where God was. With their long history of persecution, the Amish weren't for a minute surprised by an outbreak of evil. They rallied together, embraced the killer's family, ministered to each other, and healed wounds by relying on a sense of community strengthened over centuries.

Something similar has taken place here in Blacksburg. You have shown outrage against the evil deed, yes, but you've also shown sympathy and sadness for the family of the one who committed it. Cho, too, has a memorial on this campus.

Life Matters
The future lies ahead, and you're just awakening to the fact that you are an independent moral being. Until now, other people have been running your life. Your parents told you what to do and made decisions for you. Teachers ordered you around in grammar school, and the pattern continued in high school and even into college. You now inhabit a kind of halfway house on the way to adulthood, waiting for the real life of career and perhaps marriage and children to begin.

What happened in Blacksburg on April 16 demonstrates beyond all doubt that your life—the decisions you make, the kind of person you are—matters now. There are 28 students and 5 faculty members who have no future in this world.

That reality came starkly home to me nine weeks ago today when I was driving on a winding road in Colorado. Suddenly, I missed a curve and my Ford Explorer slipped off the pavement and started tumbling side to side at 60 miles per hour. An ambulance appeared, and I spent the next seven hours strapped to a body board, with duct tape across my head to keep it from moving. A cat scan showed that a vertebra high on my neck had been shattered, and sharp bone fragments were poking out next to a major artery. The hospital had a jet to fly me to Denver for emergency surgery.

I had one arm free, with a cell phone and little battery time left. I spent those tense hours calling people close to me, knowing it might be the last time I would ever hear their voices. It was an odd sensation to lie there helpless, aware that though I was fully conscious, at any moment I could die.

Samuel Johnson said when a man is about to be hanged, "it concentrates his mind wonderfully." When you're strapped to a body board after a serious accident, it concentrates the mind. When you survive a massacre at Virginia Tech, it concentrates the mind. I realized how much of my life focused on trivial things. During those seven hours, I didn't think about how many books I had sold or what kind of car I drove (it was being towed to a junkyard anyway). All that mattered boiled down to four questions. Whom do I love? Whom will I miss? What have I done with my life? And am I ready for what's next? Ever since that day, I've tried to live with those questions at the forefront.

I would like to promise you a long, pain-free life, but I cannot. God has not promised us that. Rather, the Christian view of the world reduces everything to this formula: The world is good. The world has fallen. The world will be redeemed. Creation, the Fall, redemption—that's the Christian story in a nutshell.

You know that the world is good. Look around you at the blaze of spring in the hills of Virginia. Look around you at the friends you love. Though overwhelmed with grief right now, you will learn to laugh again, to play again, to climb up mountains and kayak down rivers again, to love, to rear children. The world is good.

You know, too, that the world has fallen. Here at Virginia Tech, you know that as acutely as anyone on this planet.

I ask you also to trust that the world, your world, will be redeemed. This is not the world God wants or is satisfied with. God has promised a time when evil will be defeated, when events like the shootings at Nickel Mines and Columbine and Virginia Tech will come to an end. More, God has promised that even the scars we accumulate on this fallen planet will be redeemed, as Jesus demonstrated to Thomas.

I once was part of a small group with a Christian leader whose name you would likely recognize. He went through a hard time as his adult children got into trouble, bringing him sleepless nights and expensive attorney fees. Worse, my friend was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Nothing in his life seemed to work out. "I have no problem believing in a good God," he said to us one night. "My question is, 'What is God good for?'" We listened to his complaints and tried various responses, but he batted them all away.

A few weeks later, I came across a little phrase by Dallas Willard: "For those who love God, nothing irredeemable can happen to you." I went back to my friend. "What about that?" I asked. "Is God good for that promise?"

I would like to promise you an end to pain and grief, a guarantee that you will never again hurt as you hurt now. I cannot. I can, however, stand behind the promise that the apostle Paul made in Romans 8, that all things can be redeemed, can work together for your good. In another passage, Paul spells out some of the things he encountered, which included beatings, imprisonment, and shipwreck. As he looked back, he could see that somehow God had redeemed even those crisis events in his life.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us," Paul concluded. "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Rom. 8:37-39). God's love is the foundational truth of the universe.

Clinging to Hope
Trust a God who can redeem what now seems unredeemable. Ten days before the shootings on this campus, Christians around the world remembered the darkest day of human history, the day in which evil human beings violently rose up against God's Son and murdered the only truly innocent human being who has ever lived. We remember that day not as Dark Friday, Tragic Friday, or Disaster Friday—but rather as Good Friday. That awful day led to the salvation of the world and to Easter, an echo in advance of God's bright promise to make all things new.

Honor the grief you feel. The pain is a way of honoring those who died, your friends and classmates and professors. It represents life and love. The pain will fade over time, but it will never fully disappear.

Do not attempt healing alone. The real healing, of deep connective tissue, takes place in community. Where is God when it hurts? Where God's people are. Where misery is, there is the Messiah, and on this earth, the Messiah takes form in the shape of his church. That's what the body of Christ means.

Finally, cling to the hope that nothing that happens, not even this terrible tragedy, is irredeemable. We serve a God who has vowed to make all things new. J. R. R. Tolkien once spoke of "joy beyond the walls of the world, poignant as grief." You know well the poignancy of grief. As healing progresses, may you know, too, that joy, a foretaste of the world redeemed.

Philip Yancey is a CT editor at large.

rk

Introducing "Bible Versus"

2007-05-03T15:10:00.000+08:00

Wanna hear what a gay man living with AIDS in Los Angeles has to say about the Bible? Then, hop on to Bible Versus. I was introduced to it by no other than my favorite rlp. Hugh Elliot has been a cyber friend of rlp since his early days with Real Live Preacher. A gay man and a Southern Baptist, Texas preacher - you might think that make an unlikely friendship but surprise surprise!! Anyway, one day Hugh decided to check out the New Testament and Psalms for himself after watching rlp's "How To Read The Bible" series which I have yet to watch, and blog his way through it. I know this one's gonna be interesting and I wasn't disappointed. Hugh described Bible Versus as a sometimes humorous, spontaneous, honest but always reverent view of God, religion and the New Testament. True enough, it is as he said. I enjoyed it tremendously and I hope you will too.

rk

Can Someone Please Translate

2007-04-30T14:35:00.000+08:00

Jesus - the bodhisattva who fulfilled his dharma, to pay for my karma, to negate samsara and achieve nirvana. - businessman and politician, Ram Gidoomal.

I thought that was a brilliant way of putting it!

It summarized what I wrote in my previous post, Everybody Needs Jesus? Maybe Not. We Asians tend to have difficulty understanding the concept of sin, righteouness and redemption. Sometimes all it takes is some proper translation to help understand these concepts.

rk

My Musical Journey

2007-04-19T16:28:00.000+08:00

I hope that self-awareness piece wasn't too draggy for you. Now let's move on to something fun. Yes yes... we must.

I want to share with you my latest pride and joy ((drum roll)) - a brand new Daisy Rock Pixie acoustic guitar!. I also want to celebrate starting lessons again after almost a year's break! This time round I'm learning at a Christian music schoolcalled Believer Music I didn't know it existed before. I love everything about it - the school, the coaches, the lessons, the music. It says here on their website

"Believer Music wants to take you on a musical journey which is God-centered and worship-filled. Hearing from God about His will for your life requires first, an abandonment from materialistic ideals. Yes, you were born for a reason and we encourage you to know what that is by having a deeper relationship with the Life-Giver. Our ultimate goal is that you will find the courage to become all you can be according to what God has purposed. And Yes! it begins with worship."

The atmosphere is quite unlike Yamaha where I learned classical for over 2 years. Now I'm playing acoustic with lots of strumming with simple chord progression. Finger-picking will come later. I am SO looking forward! The lessons feel different as we learn that making music is not just about us and the music but about expressing our heart to God. At Yamaha, my coach was good in that he would make us learn the hard way. He can be very cold at times......just sitting there and watching us struggle through a piece. For someone who had no music background then, it was quite a struggle for me. I managed to pull through somehow and I today, attribute the discipline to consistent practice to my classical coach. At Believer's I have a very nice and gentle guy for my coach. Evidently, his approach is very different. I have never heard him say a discouraging word or use a discouraging body language. He is THE model Christian man. These days I'm almost never stressed about lessons! You think this would make us complacement? Hmm...perhaps...maybe.....it can happen if your motivation is not strong enough. Okay to be fair, if I'm totally new I to this I might not have given it as much practice because there's less fear that I'd get a sharp rebuke from my coach. But I had been under the torch in my previous class, so it's kind of built in me now that if I want to do this well, I know I have to put in the effort and not just "pray" that my fingers will suddenly work wonders on it's own. But I think the main motivation for me is that the lessons themselves are very rewarding. We can already play a whole song after the first lesson! It just makes you really happy and you want to keep going. Now try working through a solo classical piece. Can die ah! My coach (the classical one) used to say, "If you want to play well, play each line 20 times over before moving on to the next. Repeat this until you finish the entire song." Can you visualize my sweat flying? Compared to that my current class is a honerymoon. I'm sure as I progress to more advanced levels, I'd start to feel the heat. Another wonderful part of the lesson is that I can feel God's presence in those songs. There was this song, I Will Bow, that really sopke to me while I was playing it in the quietness of my bedroom. It feels great if you can play a song but it feels even better when you feel connected with God through the song.

So back to my guitar, I have been reading up on acoustic guitars lately. That's half the fun already. I didn't know there are SO many considerations to make prior to a purchase. While I know I should look for one with a solid top, I didn't know that a cedar top will give a rounder sound compared to say.... a spruce top. Then, there's this thing called the action which is the distance between the strings and the fretboard. Low action is good and easier to play but cannot be too low or it will result in a irritating buzz when played. One can go on and on about the bracing, tuners, sizes, shapes, finish, nut etc etc....all of which affects the durability, payability and sustain of a guitar. Oh and get this, I also learned that I can create callouses (yes, thick hard skin - the ones that your manicurist will file away!) on my fingertips trice as fast by swabbing them with rubbing alcohol twice a day! What a great tip! I really need that for my fleshy fingers. Tell you something silly, back in those days when I just started my classical, I was so desperate to toughen my fingertips that I'd twist a rubber band around each fingertip to stiffen them! It worked....but also left me with cold and grey fingers lah. Hey, I've never pretended I was born to be a musician did I? And based on an expert's assessment, I am a mostly left-brain kind of person! But that's okay cos coach says (the classical one again) that playing an instrument is 90% practice and 10% talent. So there....I have hope! Don't laugh, you're the same.

Anyway, I was overwhelmed by the information overload. Of course, NO purchase should be made without "touching and feeling" the instrument for yourself. I read reviews for the next 2 days but found out later that sound is a very subjective thing. What a reviewer like might not be what I like. So after short-listing a few recommended models, I plucked up my courage and head down to the music stores. I was immediately intimidated. I was the only girl in all the stores! There were guys, boys, even uncles....but where are the girls?? As much as I was trained to be "thick-skinned" by my classical coach, I still felt veeery tiny, not to mention incompetent, in the midst of these men. (((shudder))) And the moment you decide you want to try out one of these stringed instruments, that's when the mother of all fears descends upon you. I'm not talking about running your fingers across the strings to test the sound, I'm talking about actually asking the sales person to take them down for you and bring you a stool so you could sit down properly and play a tune on it ..... all the while knowing what you'd sound like being a clueless newbie and how everyone in the store will know what a disgrace you are to the community of musicians and would-be musicians. (((( shudder shudder)))) Miraculously, I survived that.

Finally I decided to settle for a Daisy Rock Pixie. It's a girl's guitar in a sweet powdery pink. It was going for a 50% discount, how not to resist? Plus the reviews have been great. It's a serious full scale guitar with a smaller and slimmer neck to accommodate smaller hands. It looks sturdy and well made and comes with Grover tuners. It has a solid spruce top with a composite body like the Ovation ones. Sound wise it's comparable with other smaller guitars though I find it a tad too metallic-y. The bass is also kinda weak. I brought it to a friend who could play and he feels that it's loud and bright enough, only lacking in bass. I'm still trying to figure out if that's due to the strings or the smaller composite body but overall, for that price I'm a happy girl! I think it's a better move than blowing a budget on something I'm still relatively clueless about. If I am still actively playing a year from now, I'll upgrade to a better one with a bigger budget. By then I should be experienced enough to know what exactly I'm looking for. Then it'd call it money well invested!

Alright, that's all I have about my new toy. Gotta go polishhh me pixie and swab me fingers now. Ta!

rk

Of Detachment and Self-awareness

2007-04-16T17:16:00.000+08:00

Oh dear...I have not posted for a while haven't I? It's a dry spell. Comes and goes. You know what I mean yah?

Well, today I feel like writing! Yay! Not about any subject in particular. Just random thoughts here and there. I'm just going to let my thoughts loose and see where it leads us.

I have not been doing much lately. I have run out of books to read. Gasp!! ya...can you believe it? "Poof....what's the big deal?", you say."I've never touched a book in years". Well for me, it's kind of a strange feeling not to be reading anything for such long periods of time. Reading had been my number one obsession for years. I always have some materials on stand by so as soon as I'm done with one, I can start with another. It's not healthy I tell you. Not reading per se but reading without taking time to digest what I read. It started well and good initially but in later years it became an addiction. I concluded that my genuine hunger for spiritual food all those years, in the form of written word, had later morphed into unhealthy escapism - always feeling the need to keep the mind occupied.

Now having said that, I must also testify that the recent months of doing nothing, reading nothing and listening to nothing on my iPod, left an enormous and uncomfortable gap in my "being". Is that good news? I don't know. Some people say we must learn to be silent and comfortable with ourself without any outside stimulation. Yes and I'd add that it's an opportunity for me to learn to stay focused on God without relying on outside stimulation. How about that? I was once inspired by Richard Foster's discipline of silence in Celebration of Discipline and I thought my recent inactivity was pretty close. But I think I failed. Not only have I lost that focus (on God) but I found my thought life splintered a thousand ways. I felt myself blending into the masses. I was more susceptible to pessimism, murmuring and cynicism. Instead of being light in the darkness and salt of the earth, I felt consumed by the darkness and lost my flavor. I remember pastor once said that if we empty our mind, like what new-agers do, without in turn filling it with the right thoughts, we are allowing ourselves to be vulnerable to other influences. I found that to be true to my experience. Could this be what St Paul meant when he said "Do not be conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you'll be able to test and approve what God's will is." So I guess detachment (i'm only using the word in it's limited sense. it encompasses a lot more) as a means to sharpen one's focus is beneficial while detachment as and end in itself could prove to be self-destructive.

It's not all bad though. In these moments of "nothingness" I felt exposed to myself. I began to think my thoughts and feel my feelings. These could have been suppressed by all the information overload and continuous activity. It's sort of a self-awareness kind of thing. Good or bad? Who knows? Some say that the more we look inward, the more depressed we get because soon enough, we'll discover the darkness that resides there. I can testify to the reality of it because I've experienced it myself. During these times there were moments of self-loathing I didn't know existed. I'll say things like, "I hate myself...I hate myself....I hate myself. God! I hate myself! Help me please!!" It was frightening the first time I heard it. I have always thought I love myself. Some spring cleaning seems to be going on. It's as though God was saying,

"Thank you for stopping long enough to realize you've been deceiving yourself. All those stuff you read and hear about me, of how much I love and accepts you just as you are, of me not remembering your sins and counting it against you, of me seeing you in the perfection of my Son and making you an heir of all my goodness, that there's nothing you can do to make me love you any less? They're all true. You thought you knew them all and believe them all but you do not. My servant, your pastor, tirelessly tells you these truth every week in the hope that one day one of you will really get it. Sometimes you do get it but most times you don't. You hear them so much that your mind shuts down. In your pride you thought you knew them all and so you stop listening. You had knowledge but not revelation. They're not the same. You do not know you are no longer yourself. You're just this thing that talks and thinks like what you've been taught to. The people of the world call it brain-washing. Knowledge changes your intellect. Revelation transforms your very soul. But now the silence exposes you. Your own voice is coming forth and you're frightened by it. You thought I'd be offended. That is because you do not know what I desire is for you to be real. Only then will you be ready to give me your all. Only then will you learn what it means to trust me and you will discover that my grace is bigger than your failures. Only then will you be at peace."

So perhaps like detachment, the purpose of self-awareness or self-realization as some would call it, has a God ordained purpose. It exposes the complete us (the good, the bad and everything in between) to us, so that we can in turn learn to accept them and give them all up to God because He wants all of us, not just the good.

Oh dear...I didn't expect this to be such a lengthy post. I had expected something light hearted. I promise the next one will be different. I want to tell you about my new toy! **big grin**

rk

A Message to You

2007-03-28T11:09:00.000+08:00

What If

2007-03-08T09:46:00.000+08:00

I've finally picked my first Song of the Year for 2007. "What If" is a powerful song that dares to ask skeptical seekers to put their ideologies on hold long enough to consider that there's more to Jesus than what they've heard. It reminded me of the days just before my conversion, when I was weighing the various possibilities and their consequences - similar to those of the French philosopher, Blaise Pascal in Pascal's Wager. I remember asking myself the very same question "What if it's real?" and concluded that I have more, much more, to loose if I do not made the jump.

Upload music at Bolt.

Nichole Nordeman - What If
From the album Brave

What if you’re right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you’re right?
What if it’s true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it’s true?

What if he takes his palace in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then?

(Chours)
But what if you’re wrong?
What if there’s more?
What if there’s hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?

What if you dig, What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends
What if you dig?
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions inside
That’s all you find

What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Then folklore that must be told and retold

(Chours)

You’ve been running as fast as you can
You’ve been looking for a place you can land so long
But what if you’re wrong?

What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?

rk

No Need to Yell/ Only a Challenge

2007-03-01T16:02:00.000+08:00

This is the piece I promised to share, regarding the case of the tomb. I've picked it among many because of the author's observation and sensible response to the overreaction of some christians who felt threathened by the film.

No Need to Yell/ Only a Challenge for Some who Need to Step Up and Could
by Darrel Bock

I spent most of the night watching all the reports on the tomb. Christians do not need to get so worked up about this. Several of the responders from the Christian side come across as too nervous about all of this, almost yelling in response to the calm presenters of this Discovery special. Part of this is because they have not yet seen the show and are having to respond to reports, sort of shooting in the dark. I have seen the show and the argument is full of problems that can patiently be set out for others (See Hollywood Hype blog).

For example, it does not take a biology degree to know that if someone tested your DNA it would not match with most other people in the populace, so the DNA argument being appealed to in the special proves nothing, giving us an expected result. Or as a Forensic Anthropologist said tonight on Anderson Cooper 360, it does not prove much at all. One could say the DNA testing proves next to nothing.

Nor does it take a geography degree to know that if Jesus' family came from Galilee, why would they have a family tomb in Jerusalem? Two simple observations that help to show how thin the argument from this special is. The claim about statistics ASSUMES we have a family tomb. But one thing the non-matching DNA might show is that there is no family tomb present at all. What about a tomb with no family in it, but simply people from the area, some of whom might be family and others not? What about a tomb that is shared between families? All simple, basic historical questions, part of the process of doing historical work. Now the truth of any of these other scenarioes would rule out the "hyped" option. So let us just ask some basic questions of this special that show the assumptions made to get to the statistical numbers are themselves not givens. Then the numbers mean nothing because they do not measure what they claim to measure.

So no need to yell and scream, just ask good questions. Distinguish between fact and interpretation. Fact: we have a first century tomb that has ten first century bone boxes in them. Many of those boxes have names and two of them (one carrying a Jesus and one carrying a Mary are not biologically related). THAT is all we know from what the special presents. The rest is interpretation.

Those who made the special say they want more investigation and seek the truth. Meet the challenge. That is what I say. I think the facts that emerge will show there is nothing here, at least in term sof Jesus' family. What is there is another first century tomb with multiple bone boxes, of value to our understanding names and practices at the time, but that is all.
Now let us turn to other issues this raises culturally. Yes, these bashing efforts are becoming all too common to generate hype for networks and fame and fortune for others. It is easy to get frustrated. I tell my students take your flu shot each Easter and Christmas to inoculate yourself from what is becoming a regular practice of Christian bashing during these holiday seasons. Do not be surprised. It is now a pattern to be expected.

Now someone should challenge what HarperSanFrancisco is doing publishing so many "bashing books" and ask some tough questions of them.

However, above all, what is needed is for some serious Christian funding to come forward to do some first class documentaries with top flight evangelical scholars and others who see all this other stuff as pretty thin on credibility> Let us take up the challenge of showing the other side. Christian publishing is a multi-billion dollar industry. This would not impact their profits in any significant way (and does that really matter for this discussion?). In fact, 0.2% of the money generated by this industry would allow a quality prime-time special each year to be funded. Maybe showing that the discussion is not about profits but truth would help to balance out the motives question as key companies donate some of their money in order to simply make the case. Maybe we should not be so happy with organizations like the NRB [National Religious Broadcasters] for not stepping forward as an organization to meet the cultural challenge? Maybe they or folks like them should support the faith in a team effort on behalf of the case on the other side with a concerted effort. Why don't executives from these large Christian companies pool some resources together (as the cable networks do for these other efforts) and underwrite some first class media level work for TV consumption? That is my challenge. Stop yelling and complaining. Produce something of quality reflecting top rank scholarship to show our culture that getting only one side of a story is not getting the entire story. Maybe that kind of effort can produce something of credibility and quality. This is what it will take to be of help to the culture. Think about it.

For more of Bock's responses, please visit his blog.

Ben Witherington, Scot McKnight, Paul Maier, Marc Goodacre, Tyler Williams, Michael S. Heiser, and most other biblical studies bloggers are discussing the tomb.

The Jerusalem Post interviewd Kloner and reported on the effects on Talpoit Residents.

rk

Tomb: My Response

2007-03-01T12:44:00.000+08:00

I've been following closely reports on the tomb since it came out on Monday and the response which it generated over the last few days. It looks like the people involved and associated with the making of this film are in for major embarrassment.

Here are some of my personal views. Okay, I must admit first off that the way the filmmakers present the "evidence" in the film makes the case pretty convincing, especially to lay people who are not familiar with archeology, science or biblical history. It also gives skeptics, who are only too happy to find evidence to discredit Christianity, ground to dance on. We know how irresponsible preachers could take Bible verses out of context and make them support their own interpretation of scripture. So this could well be a case of the filmmakers trying to join dots that don't belong. Many so-called Christians are biblically illiterate and therefore more prone to swallow everything that comes along especially where powerful words like DNA, scientific evidence and archeology were thrown around.

I personally feel that if such things were discovered and there is any possibility that it could be of great significance, they should be made public so that further investigations by more experts can be done. So the fact is that these tombs had been discovered and the names on the tombs may suggest a link to the holy family. Cameron and his team made the initial investigation and is now trying to present to us their conclusion. Now it's up to the other experts to take-up the case. What I don't like is the way the filmmakers try to sell us their conclusion. Discovery insist in their press release that "they do not have a point of view" and that this is just a platform for real discovery to begin. That's Discovery's assertion and it may well be true. However that is not the idea you get from the film. It was so obvious that the filmmakers were trying to sell us their opinion.

So what are we to make of it then? Wait I guess..... wait for more experts not related to this film to make their own investigations. My prediction is that it will always remain a mystery, if not totally refuted, because like one of the experts said, archeology can never conclude 100%. So it's always up for debate. The really good thing is that, people will be interested to investigate the bible for themselves. I myself have went home to re-read the 4 gospels because they were heavily quoted. What I discovered was that some claims the filmmakers made were utter nonsense. They were trying to use the bible to support their theory and one read will tell you that it's impossible. Was it a case of intentionally mishandling the Bible or perhaps they didn't know any better? I mean, scriptures are interpreted very differently by those who have the spirit of God to guide them and those who do not. A good example is the case of Judah, the supposed child of Jesus, as the filmmakers claimed. Jacobovici suggested that the young lad leaning on Jesus' breast was Judah and he said that this person was never named in the gospel except by the description, "the disciple whom Jesus loved". We all know that this is John himself, the author of the Gospel of John. Upon reading that chapter again last night, I am definitely convinced that this could not be Judah because later in the gospel, John refers to himself on several other occasions where it wouldn't make sense if the lad was indeed Judah. Even if you question if the real author was indeed John, it still doesn't make sense that it could be Jesus' son! Read it and you'll know what i mean. So I felt it was very irresponsible of the filmmakers to make such bold suggestions without bothering to do their homework. I have also been re-reading Lee Strobel's Case for Christ with regards to the empty tomb case and his case is just as convincing if not more.

Some people ask, does it really matter if the remains of Jesus were found? Of course it does! Christianity stand or fall based on this very foundational belief that Jesus was resurrected. People say what's important are His teachings. That's religion, not Christianity. If you know Christianity you will know that Jesus did not come to make bad people good, He came to make dead people live! Christianity does not have the luxury or being wrong about such an important fact like the resurrection. If the Bible is wrong about Jesus' resurrection, then it may well be wrong about a whole lot of other issues fundamental to the faith.

So that's my take. But what we really want to hear are from the experts themselves, people of authority who really knows what they're talking. I have a very good piece which I will share with you in the next post.

rk

Tales From The Crypt

2007-02-28T16:26:00.000+08:00

Just thought I should include one more article on this topic. I have chosen this article from The New York Times for it's report on alternative views from other experts and religious leaders regarding the findings.

Crypt Held Bodies of Jesus and Family, Film Says
By Laurie Goodstein

A documentary by the Discovery Channel claims to provide evidence that a crypt unearthed 27 years ago in Jerusalem contained the bones of Jesus of Nazareth.

Moreover, it asserts that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene, that the couple had a son, named Judah, and that all three were buried together.

The claims were met with skepticism by several archaeologists and New Testament scholars, as well as outrage by some Christian leaders. The contention that Jesus was married, had a child and left behind his bones — suggesting he was not bodily resurrected — contradicts core Christian doctrine.

Two limestone boxes said to contain residue from the remains of Jesus and Mary Magdalene were unveiled yesterday at a news conference at the New York Public Library by the documentary’s producer, James Cameron, who made "Titanic" and "The Terminator." His collaborators onstage included a journalist, a self-taught antiquities investigator, New Testament scholars, a statistician and an archaeologist. Several of them said they were excited by the findings but uncertain.

"I would like more information. I remain skeptical," said the archaeologist, Shimon Gibson, a senior fellow at the W. F. Albright Institute of Archaeological Research in Jerusalem, in an interview after the news conference.

In recent years, audiences have demonstrated a voracious appetite for books, movies and magazines that reassess the life and times of Jesus, and there is already a book timed to coincide with this documentary, which will be on the air next Sunday.

"This is exploiting the whole trend that caught on with ‘The Da Vinci Code,’ " said Lawrence E. Stager, the Dorot professor of archaeology of Israel at Harvard, in a telephone interview. "One of the problems is there are so many biblically illiterate people around the world that they don’t know what is real judicious assessment and what is what some of us in the field call ‘fantastic archaeology.’ "

Professor Stager said he had not seen the film but was skeptical.

Mr. Cameron said he had been "trepidatious" about becoming involved in the project but got engaged out of "great passion for a good detective story," not to offend and not to cash in.
"I think this is the biggest archaeological story of the century," he said. "It’s absolutely not a publicity stunt. It’s part of a very well-considered plan to reveal this information to the world in a way that makes sense, with proper documentation."

The documentary, "The Lost Tomb of Jesus," revisits a site discovered by archaeologists from the Israel Antiquities Authority in the East Talpiyot neighborhood of Jerusalem in 1980, when the area was being excavated for a building.

Ten burial boxes, or ossuaries, were found in the tomb, and six of them had inscriptions. The Discovery Channel filmmakers say, and archaeologists interviewed concur, there is no possibility the inscriptions were forged, because they were catalogued at the time by archaeologists and kept in storage in the Israel Antiquities Authority.

The documentary’s case rests in large part on the interpretation of the inscriptions, which they say are Jesus, Mary, Mary Magdalene, Matthew, Joseph and Judah.

In the first century, these names were as common as Tom, Dick and Harry. But the filmmakers commissioned a statistician, Andrey Feuerverger, a professor at the University of Toronto, who calculated that the odds that all six names would appear together in one tomb are one in 600, calculated conservatively — or as much as one in one million.

One box is said to be inscribed "Yeshua bar Yosef," in Aramaic, an ancient dialect of Hebrew that is translated as "Jesus son of Joseph." The second box is inscribed "Maria," in Hebrew. Maria is the Latin version of "Miriam" — a name so common in first century ancient Israel that it was given to about 25 percent of all Jewish women. But the mother of Jesus has always been known as "Maria" (which in English is "Mary"). The documentary says that while thousands of ossuaries have been discovered, only eight have had the inscription "Maria" spelled phonetically in Hebrew letters.

The third box is labeled "Matia," Hebrew for Matthew, and the filmmakers cite a reference in the New Testament to buttress their claim that Mary had many Matthews in her family and it would make sense to find one in the family tomb.

The fourth box is inscribed "Yose," a nickname for the Hebrew "Yosef," or "Joseph" in English. Again, the filmmakers turn to the New Testament Gospels, which refer to four "brothers" of Jesus: James, Judah, Simon and Joseph. Scholars disagree whether these were actual brothers, companions or cousins, but the filmmakers infer that the inscription refers to a brother of Jesus.
Perhaps the most shaky claims revolve around the inscription on the fifth box, which the filmmakers assert is that of Mary Magdalene. It is the only inscription of the six in Greek, and says "Mariamene e Mara," which the filmmakers say can be translated as "Mary, known as the master."

The filmmakers cite the interpretation of a Harvard professor, François Bovon, of the "Acts of Phillip," a text from the fourth or fifth century and recently recovered from a monastery at Mount Athos in Greece. The filmmakers say that Professor Bovon has determined from the "Acts of Phillip" that Mariamene is Mary Magdalene’s real name.

The filmmakers commissioned DNA testing on the residue in the boxes said to have held Jesus and Mary Magdalene. There are no bones left, because the religious custom in Israel is to bury archeological remains in a cemetery.

However, the documentary’s director and its driving force, Simcha Jacobovici, an Israeli-born Canadian, said there was enough mitochondrial DNA for a laboratory in Ontario to conclude that the bodies in the "Jesus" and "Mary Magdalene" ossuaries were not related on their mothers’ side. From this, Mr. Jacobovici deduced that they were a couple, because otherwise they would not have been buried together in a family tomb.

In an interview, Mr. Jacobovici was asked why the filmmakers did not conduct DNA testing on the other ossuaries to determine whether the one inscribed "Judah, son of Jesus" was genetically related to either the Jesus or Mary Magdalene boxes; or whether the Jesus remains were actually the offspring of Mary.

"We’re not scientists. At the end of the day we can’t wait till every ossuary is tested for DNA," he said. "We took the story that far. At some point you have to say, ‘I’ve done my job as a journalist.’ "

Among the most influential scholars to dispute the documentary was Amos Kloner, former Jerusalem district archaeologist of the Israel Antiquities Authority, who examined the tomb in 1980.

Mr. Kloner said in a telephone interview that the inscription on the alleged "Jesus" ossuary is not clear enough to ascertain. The box on display at the news conference is a plain rectangle with rough gashes on one side. The one supposedly containing Mary Magdalene has six-petalled rosettes and an elaborate border.

"The new evidence is not serious, and I do not accept that it is connected to the family of Jesus," said Mr. Kloner, who appears in the documentary as a skeptic.

New Testament scholars also criticized the documentary as theologically dangerous, historically inaccurate and irresponsible.

"A lot of conservative, orthodox and moderate Christians are going to be upset by the recklessness of this," said Ben Witherington, a Bible scholar at Asbury Theological Seminary in Wilmore, Ky. "Of course, we want to know more about Jesus, but please don’t insult our intelligence by giving us this sort of stuff. It’s going to get a lot of Christians with their knickers in a knot unnecessarily."

Isabel Kershner contributed reporting from Jerusalem.
The New York Times
February 27, 2007

The Lost Tomb of Jesus?

2007-02-26T16:07:00.000+08:00

"Brace yourself. James Cameron, the man who brought you ‘The Titanic’ is back with another blockbuster. This time, the ship he’s sinking is Christianity.

In a new documentary, Producer Cameron and his director, Simcha Jacobovici, make the starting claim that Jesus wasn’t resurrected — the cornerstone of Christian faith - and that his burial cave was discovered near Jerusalem.

No, it's not a re-make of 'The Da Vinci Codes'. It's supposed to be true."

Oh God, here we go again....

By now some of you would have already heard about the new controversial documentary, The Lost Tomb of Jesus, premiering Sunday March 4 9pm ET/PT on Discovery Channel and a few other networks including Israel's Channel 8 where it has already sparked a fierce debate.There is no news yet if it will premiere here in Singapore or Asia.

I am still reading through the many sites that have sprung up overnight in response to this. As such, I shall reserve any comments if at all till much later. For now, I'll just provide some links for you to do your own reading. Alternatively, just google "The Lost Tomb of Jesus".

Discovery Channel's press release
Discovery Channel's "Lost Tomb" site
YNet News
Links to blogs discussing the topic

rk

An Open Letter

2007-02-12T17:44:00.000+08:00

Dear Friend,

I have observed with concern, mixed with a bit of frustration, how you have been late for church with alarming regularity lately. At first I thought it was me who was too early. Or me, who has a housekeeper to manage the chores and kids so we could all leave on time. Then I realize I have been managing these on my own for weeks since our helper left, and have not been late once.

I really don't mind if you prefer to stride into the auditorium while praise and worship is in full swing, with people on their feet, clapping and lifting hands, to find your way around this crowd. I really don't mind because I would have warmed one of those red velvet seats somewhere in that auditorium. I would have already entered into sweet communion with the Lord.

You see, I really don't mind....except when I needed to watch the other red seat beside me, with my phone on mute in the palm of my hand, trying to manage a half clap, so that a friend could afford to be late and not have to squirm her way through that massive crowd. And what of the questions I had to endure from ushers who could not help but notice that the seat with a Bible on it is still, well....still has a Bible on it and not a person. Surely they would have known by now, the reason behind my verbal acrobatics. How many excuses can one come up with? "She's stuck at the tape counter, in the washroom, with the pastor, in the queue, at the food court, in the car park, etcetera etcetera..... My most common excuse? "She's on the way." That's about the best I can manage without feeling like I have defiled the place with my lies. Minutes ticked by and the Bible will still there. Ever so often, I'd turn to look around to see if you're coming.

These revelations are so you get an idea of what it is like at my end. I have put up with them as long as they do not disrupt too much of my worship time with the Lord. But the last straw came that Sunday when I had to pick-up your calls in the middle of worship, to direct you to that empty seat beside me. The music and singing drowned me out so you could not hear. I had to text you your seat number and the direction in the middle of How Great Is Our God. Using the phone in the presence of God is something I really want to avoid. It bothers me when you answer calls and reply messages during service. It bothers me even more if I have to do it.

Therefore, in keeping with my desire for a distraction-free church service and with my promise to not let the little communication device control my life, may I propose two solutions. One, set your alarm clock to wake you half an hour earlier. Two, find your own way around once service begins as I won't be contactable then. Thank you for your kind understanding. As you have been such a dear friend, I will continue with pleasure, to reserve a place for you in the queue.

Your dear friend,
rk

This letter is a response to my observation of what has often be taken for granted during church services. In a broader sense it applies to everyone of us who has made a habit out of making our friends wait on us and who has allowed our mobile phones to interfere with our life.

Americanism - The New Religion

2007-02-09T10:00:00.000+08:00

I used to wonder why so many American-Christians are critical of their own church. Where they once kept their bitterness to themselves or perhaps addressed their grievances directly to God himself, they now have a new outlet (the blog) to voice their growing dissatisfaction. Some of my favorite bloggers are in that camp. They boast of foreign wisdom as if they are higher and more enlightened than the wisdom of the Bible, preached from pulpits Sundays after Sundays. Familiarity breeds contempt? Some would even go as far as to suggest that our children should be spared from the contamination of churches and it's ideology. Suffer not the little ones to our idea of God, let them think for themselves. To a large extent, I agree. We adults are good at complicating things that are simple and readily recognizable to children. Worst, we pass on our faulty theology and doctrine to our children. However, we do not live in a world where everyone is naturally a friend of God. We do not live in a world without opposition from other spirit beings bent on frustration the will of God. We live in a world where opposing spiritual forces are constantly in a cosmic battle for our heart and mind. To let our children be is to offer up their mind to anyone and everyone. If we don't shape their mind and draw their heart now, someone else will. Keeping them from churches and Christian ideas is not the solution. "It is appropriate to tell them what we think and believe, but we can do so without trampling their tender autonomy. Love, wait and allow them to develop and grow making their own decisions instead of showing off a little robot child who says all the right things, even if achieveing that result is to her detriment."

There was a time when I grew impatient and increasingly frustrated with the constant complaining. I for one, is regretful that someone did not bring me to church earlier. My life could have taken a very different turn. Consequances that resulted from particular sins and some really bad choices could have been avoided if I had known the liberty that flows from the grace of God. One reader nailed it when he said this,

"People all over the world go to worship the Lord Jesus Christ Sunday after Sunday at the risk of losing their own lives and all we can do is whine about telling children the TRUTH. Chinese Christians are risking their lives to preach the Gospel to everyone and we are worried about indoctrinating our children in the faith once delivered to the saints? The problem here is that we have a uniquely American outlook. Talk to the Ethiopian pastor who was attacked by Muslims with knives while preaching the Word of God. Talk to the Chinese Christian who sits in jail and rots because of his boldness to be the "church man" in order that people who hate him will be loved by him with a message that could keep them from hell. Leave her a pagan? Follow this advice and her blood will be on your hands."

A uniquely American outlook. I didn't quite understand it until I heard some American preachers myself and I thought ..... no wonder their people are rebelling. Their God is like a vending machine, someone whom they can manipulate and command at whim. Makes you wonder who is God. Either that or it's hell-fire-and-brimstone all the way. Can we blame our American brethren for their cynisicm? They are not opposed to God or Christ. They are opposed to the new religion of Americanism. Singapore is heavily influenced by the west, particularly America. Many churches here have adopted America's brand of Christianity. While brimstone messages can be heard everywhere, the former is particularly symptomatic of first-world nations. So to be fair, it is not solely an American problem.

rk

The Swan In Me

2007-02-06T17:08:00.001+08:00

I heaved a sigh of relief and crossed my fingers as I see the tutor out. I hope the new tutor turns out alright. With the PSLE (primary school leaving examination) barely 8 months away, we really can't afford to change tutors if this doesn't work out.

Please forgive my slowness in churning out posts for my blog. The past weeks have been crazy ever since our schizophrenic foreign domestic helper changed her mind and demanded we send her back to the agent, pronto. It's a long story. So much has transpired in the final days leading to her departure that it'd drain me out writing about them. So I'll leave that out and hope that her replacement comes through quickly so we can all have some normalcy back into our life. In the mean time, miss "in-control" tried her best to keep things running. To a some extent, she succeeded. She managed to get her finger cut - almost requiring stitches, handled the cleaning and washing in spite of it, fired her son's tutor, found a replacement, get her kids going and kept the house close to spotless. In between, she tolerated her daughter's persistent whininess (why does God make little girls so whiny??), gave her son's class bully a dressing down he'll remember for life, accommodated her in-laws as they came over to help, squeezed in some time to supervise her children's school work AND survived her husband's unreasonable demands.

I hate transitions.

The time came for her to meet up with the new tutor and there she was, frazzled with a dozen things in her mind. She could hardly wait to get on with it so she could move on to the next thing that needed fixing. She was anxious, yet hopeful, wanting so much to get it right this time round. It was an hour long conversation with the tutor and she was dizzy with information overload. She tried to let them all sink in but couldn't keep her mind from rehearsing that unexpected comment from the tutor. She seems like a fine tutor but that single comment bothered her.

"........you are such a simple and innocent mother, so untouched by the stress of your children's education."

Academic success is the no.1 worry and MAJOR stress trigger of Singaporean parents due to the high standard of education here.

"You are too easy-going my dear. You need to be more stressed," she said in motherly fashion. ????!!!!

I kept my thoughts to myself and managed a half smile. I doubt Screwtape would assign me to his nephew, Wormwood - not yet at least. I would be a difficult target if the tutor's assessment is anything to go by. His subordinate nephew might not be ready.

Stress and worry is a favourite weapon the enemy uses against us, pastor said. Even if we can't help it, at least learn to be like the swan - remain calm on the surface while paddling like crazy beneath the waters. The devil, not being omnipresent, can only assess us by what we manifest on the outside.

Unfortunately Screwtape has observed me in another environment - my home, where guards are down - and has already sent Wormwood to sift me like wheat.

I need my armour.

rk

An Error

2007-01-09T12:46:00.000+08:00

I was reading through 2006 In Focus yesterday and realised that my entry for Walk The Line in the Film Of The Year segment is missing. I must have deleted it by accident while editing. I've reinstated it, so you may go back to read it if you're interested.

rk

2006 In Focus

2007-01-05T17:33:00.000+08:00

This is a little late in coming but as you've probably noticed I've been in hiding for a while except for Borrowed Time. But reflection is a good spiritual exercise; so here I am. I don't foresee anything much in my list for 2006 after scanning through all my entries for that year.

As always, I will filter my journey the past year through a spiritual lens because I believe all of life is spiritual. If something has an effect on me, it is because it has first affected me in my inner most being. Generally the year started with the continuing struggle towards certain detachment, as reflected in some of my earlier post for the year. I am relieved to announce that this could well be the year where there is a real breakthrough in that area. Surprisingly I wasn't particularly ecstatic. To put it plainly, it was almost a non-event. Perhaps because the progress was so natural and gradual that I hardly took notice, which explains why I did not even blog about it. Another reason for the lack of enthusiasm could be because I was at the same time entering into a phase where I was feeling spiritually dry and far away from God; wallowing between self-doubt and unbelief, guilt and apathy (read Faithless and Is There a Higher Reality?). That is not to say there weren't moments of refreshment and grace and passion for the things of God, though they could be more. Last year was also the year I prayed the least and read the least from Christian authors. Was it any mystery then that I felt I was slipping away? However, as the year ends I began to feel once again a drive to reconnect myself with God and to pursue Him afresh. Maybe because endings and beginnings tend to point us of the one who is the Alpha and the Omega.

Here is my list for the year.

Music/Song of the Year

There weren't any that stands out particularly but there are some I should mention because they speak of my state of mind at that moment of time. Songs like, Addicted and Because of You spoke of my addiction and sense of loss, Homesick and Healing Rain of my longing and Much of You of my devotion. There was also Daniel Powter's Bad Day which I couldn't stop playing for days. Apart from these I've enjoyed most of the songs in Jason Mraz's album, Mr A-Z for their catchy tune and clever lyrics.

Film of the Year

I Not Stupid Too

I am usually not a fan of local production but this one reduced me to tears. I don't remember crying that much since The Passion of Christ. Every Singaporean parent (myself included) will agree that this film has impacted us in the way we bond with our children and to challenge us to rethink our priorities. The setting and stories were so close to reality (though sometimes exaggerated to prove a point) in the life of a typical Singaporean family that it immediately confronts us with our apathy towards our children's cry in affluent Singapore. We see how the mad rush to acquire status and fortune at the expense of our children and our inability to accept them just as they are has hurt them and set them up for failure as adults, passing on the dysfunction from generation to generation.

Sophie Scholl: The Final Days

Walk The Line

I love this film not only for the story of the legendary Johnny Cash but also for the music. It contains a multitude of concert scenes, thanks in huge part to Phoenix and Witherspoon's ability to tell us so much about their respective characters by the way they sing a song. Their singing is as impressive and engaging as their acting. The film starts with young Cash whose enormous grief over his beloved brother's tragic death was further compounded by his father's cruelty. His sorrow becomes the soil for an achingly authentic artistry but tragically also for self-destructive patterns of addiction and impulsiveness. On one of his early concert tours, Johnny meets June Carter (played by Reese Witherspoon) and together they formed a successful musical partnership in a series of duets. In the course of it, they forged a strong friendship that withstood many detours and demons. Ultimately June becomes the saving grace in Cash's life. And so it was that Johnny Cash changed music forever with three or four guitar chords and a voice that people believed while June Carter changed Johnny Cash forever with faith and love.

Book of the Year

Night by Elie Wiesel
Borrowed Time by Paul Monette

Event of the Year

Israel-Lebanon War

The Jewish nation has been in war for as long as anyone could remember but for some reason last year's conflict with Lebanon left me particularly disturbed and distressed. It was my first time signing any petition and I have lost track of how many I've signed for this one, painfully reading every one to make sure I am supporting the right thing. Some of my thoughts are recorded in Don't Be Silent and Evangelical Blindness On Lebanon and a few others in the August 2006 archive.

People of the Year

Paul Monette

Who showed by example what self-sacrificial love is, who questioned and challenged our desire to truly and lovingly understand the gay community and our acceptance of them. He exposed our ignorance and prejudice and the tragedy which they wrought. You may read more about it in my review of Borrowed Time.

Sermon of the Year

This has got to be the message that pulled me out of my spiritual depression. Preached by none other than my own pastor. It came at a time when I was near the bottom of the pit and like the wind that chased away the dark clouds, it lifted me out of my darkness. To put it simply, it was a call to switch focus because what we focus on, we bless. Start giving heed to God's blessings no matter how small we think they are and see them multiply in our life. Look for the good, talk about them, and we will see more of it. Shift our focus away from our problems because what we give heed to, we bless. What we honor and bless increases, what we curse withers. Start giving attention to people that matters to us because to ignore them is to curse them. I won't be able share everything in writing because there were just too many illustrations but you get the jist of it. The message is available at the church's online store.

Blog of the Year

My So-called Expat Life by Not So RaggedyAne

The light-hearted tone of this blog, not to mention all the girlie stuff and food and travel is a refreshing change to those heavy, serious stuff that I torture myself with sometimes. The author is pretty, witty and best of all, have a great sense of humor.

Lesson of the Year

Do not take people too seriously because humans are fickle creatures. Have the kind of posture where you're able to laugh at yourself and others. Giving heed to people while maintaining a sense of humor could save you a lot of heartaches.

God speaks in the most unlikely places, even through people whom we considered unworthy. The fact is, none of us are worthy. Most things take on a different light when we stop thinking of ourself, our ideas, our theology and start standing alongside each other with the mindset that we're in this journey of life together.

Others

Finally I should also announce that I have terminated my subscription to Hipcast, through which I post all my audio and video blogs. This explains why all the audio buttons are no longer working. Something went wrong with the billing and I had to terminate it in order not to be overcharged.

I've also stopped formal guitar lessons due to my increasingly tight schedule. I tried to keep up with the practice on my own for a while but towards the last quarter of the year, I hardly touched the instrument at all. I certainly hope I won't loose touch and has hope to start picking it up again.

rk

2005 In Focus
2004 In Focus

Borrowed Time

2006-12-15T22:31:00.000+08:00

I never thought I'd write again anytime soon but after Borrowed Time, how could I not? As far as I am concern it is one of the most beautiful love story I've ever read, heartbreaking as it is. There isn't that many book that leaves a lasting imprint in my heart and mind to the point that it alters forever the way I perceive things. And I am writing here to say that Monette's account of the last 19, AIDS-wrecked months of his gay lover has burned out of me a deep respect for the gay community, not just any gay community but those who are faithful and committed to their partner. "Is the love between gay couples of any less value than those of their straight counterpart? Are they any less real?" my lesbian friend asked.

The tenderness and consistency in which Monette cared for his sick lover, even in the midst of his own fear, denial and fatigue will put many of us to shame. The fevers, the IV drips, the mountains of medication, the endless trips to the hospital, the gradual loss of basic function, the roller-coaster ride of hope and despair and the hatred and ignorance they had to endure and finally the moaning....oh the moaning - "the saddest, hollowest sound I've ever heard, loud like the trumpet note of a wounded animal" as Monette puts it. Even in the midst of these, there was the poetry, plato, the gardenias, the evening walks and the simple cuddling of each other, binding them together in a place where no sorrow could touch. It is impossible not to be affected; to read and not weep. Towards the end of the book, when Al, Roger's father, walked into the hospital room grievously aware that the end is near for his son, gripped Monette by his shoulders and declared, voice breaking, "This boy took care of him like a mother", as if to thank him for the 12 long years with which he had loved his son. The father who could not look Monette in the eye for a whole year when his son first broke the news that he was gay, was at the end overwhelmed with gratitude for the love and self-sacrificial way this young man had cared for his son. I do not doubt for a moment that Roger's parents finally realize that their son was so blessed to have Paul as his best friend and lover.

If anything, this experience - I call it an experience because you can never read it without entering and partaking in the tragedy and beauty of it - has humbled me. Now I look back with regret at some of the ways I used to think of gay relationships. We who are one the other side of the fence are often quick to draw our own conclusions on things we have little personal experience or knowledge about. Worst still, sometimes we talk as if we know it all or we dismiss the other's feelings as though it didn't matter, all because we fail to put ourselves in their shoes and for once try to understand things from their side. You can see this disease manifesting it's symptoms everywhere. Ever heard from friends who seems to know how to handle your children better than you do and made you feel so incompetent? Or your happily single friend who can't for the life of her understand what's the big deal about going to the movies alone?

If we had laid aside our "opinions" and instead, know them for who they are and not what we want them to be, we'd find that a lot of these people are not very different from us. They long for the same sense of belonging and security that committed love brings the same way we do. There are still many things I don't understand, but one thing I can't deny is that the love between same sex partners is as equally valid and beautiful as any other monogamous relationship and they certainly deserve our respect. We don't have to figure it all out before we accept someone. Love them first and the understanding will follow. Isn't this the way in which we first know God? We came to Him by faith even as we were trying to figure out the Bible and discovered that understanding flows easier after that. Knowing a person's heart opens the doort for us to know their ways. Speaking of God, some of you may ask, "So what would Jesus think of Roger and Paul?" Well, He did say, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lays down his life for his friends." And I've just finished reading an excellent example of it.

Monette's jarring narrative of living on borrowed time transcends one man, one gay couple or the gay community. As one reviewer said, we enter the universal arena of human loss.

It is at it's core the purest poetry.

"...we held each other as the machine answered the phone. After the beep, a voice said: "This is UCLA Medical Center calling. Mr. Roger Horwitz died at 5:42am this morning, October twenty-second." Bernice and I hugged each other briefly, without a word, and I swam back to bed for the end of the night............putting off as long as I could the desolate waking to life alone - this calamity that is all mine, that will not end till I do." - Borrowed Time

Paul Monette is a part of the first generation to suffer from AIDS Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. His friend, Roger Horwitz, died after a long battle with the virus. Monette gave his courage, strength, and love as he helped his friend fight this battle. Borrowed Time is the story of the AIDS roller coaster. It was nominated for National Book Critic's Circle Award 1988 for best biography and Winner of the 1989 Pen West USA Literary Award For Best Nonfiction.

rk

How To Create Cynics

2006-10-09T13:31:00.000+08:00

There have been a domestic situation recently. All of us in the family are still trying to adapt to it. This explains my lack of writing the past weeks. I have been busy and will still be for a while till things are more settled. Mean while I have been wanting to share this article with you but have not had the time to do it till now.

Have you ever had times in your life when you feel defeated, confused and discouraged but could not be honest about it because you are afraid others might think less of you, your faith or your God? How often do we coat our speech with God-talk as a way of explaining (though we might not realize it) why we aren't living as victorious a Christian life as we thought we should or as we thought others expect of us? If this describes you, the following article by David Gushee is for you.

This is an area I have struggled with and my experience with other believers confirms that it is a problem prevalent among many Christians. If you have been to a cell group where everyone seem to have "got it right" and hardly anyone is experiencing conflict in their lives, you will know what I mean. After all, didn't pastor teach us to honor God's blessing in our life by talking about them instead of honoring, thereby multiplying, the devil's work by focusing our speech on our problems all the time? The Bible teaches that as children of God, our words carry weight; life and death is in the power of our tongue. So where does honesty and transparency fit in? I am often confused by the seeming contradiction. How can I be honest about my struggles if I can't talk about them? Am I honoring the devil's work if I talk about my struggles with a few trusted friends? At first, it seems like a contradiction but upon further thought, I believe that it meant we must not shrink from admitting that life is not exactly what we hope for now but neither should we focus on it by talking about it all the time (often repeating ourselves) to everyone we meet. If we find ourselves irresistibly drawn to talk about the negatives in our life, we have got our focus wrong.

I hope the following article sheds more light on the issue. Be blessed.

How to Create Cynics
Everybody knows when we're covering up our confusion with God-talk.
by David P. Gushee

Are Christians also human beings? Are we permitted to talk about our lives the way other humans do? Can we admit mistakes, confess uncertainty, and be honest about conflicts? Is it okay not to have an airtight spiritual explanation for everything that happens?

One of the greatest causes of cynicism among Christians is the way we lather God-talk over our lives in order to obscure realities we consider too painful to discuss directly.

Consider this example from church life (though such situations are not confined to local churches). A minister is not happy in his place of service. He wonders whether he was right in accepting this call in the first place. He has dealt with painful personality conflicts, constant power struggles, and criticism. Now he is leaving. He is leaving because he can't take it anymore. His future is most uncertain.

But he believes that he can't say any of these things. There is an unwritten Code in the church (and not just this church) that dictates how a minister says goodbye. So he says, "God spoke to me and is leading me to a different place of service at this time. I appreciate the opportunity to be your pastor. I now must move on to wherever God leads me next."

Everybody on the inside of the situation knows what these words really mean: "I am miserable here. I can't take it any more. At this point, I would rather be unemployed than continue to serve here. I'm not sure exactly where God is in all of this, but in any case, I know that I must move on. I sure wish you would deal with the issues that have led me to this point, but I won't tell you what those are, so I doubt that you will actually deal with them."

A departing pastor does a church no favor by not discussing its dysfunctions. How much better to be candid with the leadership group—perhaps bringing in a third-party consultant—in order to equip them to deal in a more health-giving way with their next pastor.

Seduced by Certainty

There are several reasons most of us don't feel comfortable speaking directly about our confusion. One is that we want greater certainty about life and our decisions than we often feel. We want to be able to say that we are certain God has led us in such and such a direction and now is leading us in another direction. To articulate uncertainty seems to communicate lack of confidence in God.

It might help us to remember that human beings (even Christian ones) are fallible and "see through a glass darkly." Surely there is plenty of biblical evidence of faithful people who misunderstood God's will or did not receive clear direction about every decision. Is it really impossible for us to say, "I think I misunderstood what God was leading me to do"? Or even, "I made a mistake in coming here"?

Perturbed by Conflict

A second reason for the Code is that Christians also dislike telling the truth about conflict. The divisions that open up in our relationships and in our churches embarrass us. We think they should not occur. Perhaps we don't want to shake the faith of younger Christians by admitting that we just could not work out our differences. And so we paper over such conflicts with Code-talk about God leading us somewhere else.

But Paul highlighted his differences with Peter about table fellowship with Gentiles (Gal. 2), and Acts frankly describes the conflict between Paul and Barnabas over John Mark (Acts 15), a conflict that caused them to go their separate ways. Why can't we likewise say that our differences in vision and personality were irreconcilable, and despite hard efforts for unity, we have been unable to achieve it?

Better yet, why not treat organizational conflict the way C. S. Lewis taught us to think about bodily pain—as God's megaphone. If we pay attention to the pain, we can learn what God might truly be saying to a congregation.

That kind of God-talk gives birth to discernment. But when we use God-talk to paper over the truth, we risk taking the name of God in vain. Scripture is clear that God does not appreciate it when we misuse his holy name for our purposes. Hiding behind a veneer of God-talk that everyone knows is just a way of obscuring painful realities invites cynicism about all our words about God.

If we could admit that we are fallen and uncertain and that we don't always know how to interpret every situation, can't always resolve our conflicts, and sometimes simply choose to move in new directions, we could break the power of the Code and end the cynicism we create by misusing words about God.

Everybody Needs Jesus? Maybe Not.

2006-09-08T17:24:00.000+08:00

Everybody needs Jesus.

If you're a Christian, you've probably heard that a hundred times over. After all, the Bible did say "God so love the WORLD that He sent His only begotten Son, so that WHOEVER believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life" and "ALL have sinned and fall short of God's standard" - implying that ALL of us are in need of salvation.

So everybody does need Jesus.

Well.....maybe not.

Alarms are probably going off in your head now. But before you scream blasphemy! and hit the "next" button, allow me to clarify.

I had a chat with a friend recently. We were just talking about food but it later led to a conversation about karma and merits. My friend holds to a Buddhist view of certain things. Currently she is on a vegetarian diet and will continue to do so for another 100 days. The main purpose of this diet plan is so she could transfer more merits to her mother who had just passed away. According to the Buddhist master at the wake, abstaining from meat of any kind helps generate merit that one can either apply to one's life or transferred to another. In the case of her mother, the more merit she receives the smoother her passage in the afterlife and the higher her chances for a better rebirth. The aim is to acquire enough merits to off-set as many bad karma as possible. At this point, I see how the strive to get out of a bad karmic cycle can open doors to God's redemptive grace.

Our conversation went something like this.

"What if there is someone who can transfer all the required merits to us?"

"Hah...if there is such a person, he better not forget us."

"Actually I do know of someone who is giving away merits. In fact, I have received mine from him."

"Haha....good for you."

"Oh but the offer is not just for me. It's for anyone who wants it. He has more than enough to give away."

"Actually it can never be enough."

"But he does have enough to cover everyone. In fact, he over-paid mine."

"But how do you know?"

"If I received it you mean?"

"Yeah."

"Well....if someone gives you a gift and you accept it.... then it's yours. You would know because you accepted it yourself."

"Ahh... I see what you mean."

We were cut off abruptly by a system failure as we were chatting over MSN. If we had not, I imagine our conversation would continue this way.

"But how do you know if it's for real and what he has transferred to you is sufficient?"

"That, unfortunately, is something you will have to believe. You have to believe that the offer is real and trust him when he says he has overpaid your debt. If you can't believe it, you won't accept it; how then can you receive it?"

"But isn't that a risk?"

"Of course it is.... but so does everything else. Do you think for a moment that your own ways to generate merit for yourself and your loved ones are any less risky? Doesn't it also hangs on the belief that what you do is indeed what is required and that they will be sufficient? You said it yourself that it can never be enough. So what is there to loose?" (*)

I do not know what my friend thought about our conversation. If she had the slighest interest in the offer, it did not show. I do not know her reasons.

I live in a multicultural and multireligious nation. I have friends from different worldviews - formed both by their religion and their culture. I enjoy listening to their diverse beliefs because they help me explore my own. It can be a very enriching experience. I like to ask questions that encourage us to think because I realize a lot of us (christians and myself included) don't really give much thought to what we believe. It is all done in the spirit discovery and to challenge assumptions rather than to convert minds. I respect conflicting beliefs though I might not agree with them.

In the course of my conversations with these friends and also from my own experience in the past (my former worldview was of buddhist-taoist-asian-chinese influence), I discovered some of the reasons why Jesus might not be for everyone after all and why not everyone wants his offer of redemption. For the sake of brevity, I shall keep it within the context of karma and merits.

What bad karma? LIFE COULDN'T BE ANY BETTER.
We want to achieve it (gain merits) on our own because we believe IT IS POSSIBLE and more HONORABLE.
We believe, with the merits transferred from others, coupled with our own, IT IS POSSIBLE.
We know we CAN'T, but is willing to accept the consequences if we fall short.
We know we CAN'T, but is not fully aware of the implications nor it's seriousness if we fall short.
We know we CAN'T, but do not want to "owe" God any favors.
We know we CAN'T, but thought accepting help from God is a sign of weakness or failure, though we are willing to accept it (ie. transfered merits) from man.
We think that God's offer of salvation by faith alone is TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
We believe there are OTHER BETTER WAYS.
We just DON'T CARE.

Do you see now, why although God's offer of salvation is open to all, not everyone wants or needs it? Those who think they can redeem themselves, don't need a savior. Those who don't believe any of it and don't care, won't want a savior. To those who are willing to accept God's offer, He promissed their debt will be paid in full. Those who have not, will continue to pay for it themselves in the afterlife.

I know this doesn't settle well with our spirit because we love our friends and family and want to see them saved. But as true deciples of Jesus, we must recognize each other's right to choose, no matter how much we think they got it wrong. God himself recognizes it. Jesus had never coerced anyone into believing. He states the facts plainly, makes his offer and lets them decide for themselves.

rk

(*) If everything hinges on faith, how do we know which one is true? On what basis should we belief in one instead of the other? These are questions christian apologits have been trying to answer. I hope to post something with regards to this in due time. Stay tuned.

Hairdresser from Hell

2006-09-05T15:23:00.000+08:00

Let me deviate a little from my usual writings about spirituality cos I JUST HAVE TO TELL YOU about my "devil-prada" experience at a local salon last Saturday.

I have not had a hair cut for a long time; not even a trim. The ends were beginning to look and feel like straw. It is also badly out-of-shape from months of neglect. I have given up searching for a good hairdresser with a reasonable price. Either they are good but overpriced (like $80 and above) or acceptable rates ($30-$40) but so-so results. Service, while important to me, is not as crucial as a pair of skillful hands and good judgment. Of course price comes into the equation too. Although I appreciate good service, I do not let it affect me too much as long as they can deliver what I want.

Last Saturday I thought I should give my old stylist a chance again since his salon is near by and he did a pretty good job the last time. The only problem is, he can be very intimidating - read: make you feel like the ugliest person in town. That was why I have not looked him up for over 2 years. I went only as a last resort. I was out of options. It's either I go to someone totally unknown (translate - very risky) or to the rival salon next door who's salesperson corners you like a vicious pirana - no thank you. Pride may be a tough pill to swallow but I thought could handle it.

He: Hello. Wow...It's been quite a while.

Me: Yeah.... 2 years at least?

(He was probably wondering who I've been visiting for the past 2 years but I didn't bother to explain)

He: So...what can do for you?

Me: Errhem (I cleared my throat a little)..... I would like to have a trim. The previous stylist thinned too much of my hair out, so a lot of the roots are very short now. I want to grow them out but in the meanwhile I need to have the dry ends trimmed. So if you can do that and give the overall some shape, it'd be good.

I could see his growing disapproval as I tried to explain what I wanted. He cut me off mid way and told me bluntly that I'll end up with a mushroom-like head (ie. puffy at the top) if that's really what I wanted him to do. I asked about different ways of toning down the volume since that is a major problem he foresees. He was adamant with his position. Every option I explored or suggestion I made was met with a blunt no from him. So after exhausting all of my own ideas, I asked him what he would suggest.

"Either you cut it short or do a soft straightening. Nothing else will work."

That would mean either I end up with a short layered bob or I can have what I want minus the dreaded volume. The second option sounds good except that the so called "soft-straightening" was how I ended up with all the stick-straight dry ends in the first place. And I have vowed never to do anything chemical (read: murder) to my hair again. I want back it's natural texture, softness and luster. Never mind the curls and volume. There are people who actually envy me for them anyway. All I needed was a good cut.

Seeing I was visibly perplexed by such limited options - which were really not much of an option from my point of view - he adds,

"Look, I think it's better that you go back and think about what you really want and come back when you're ready. You don't seem to know what you want."

I stared at him. I thought I was just exploring the possibilities?

Seeing my lack of response, he continued, "It's not that I can't do what you ask. Just that it will turn out horrible and people will talk about what a lousy job I've done when they look at you. I am very honest with my clients. If something is not gonna work, I tell them. I don't want to waste their time and mine. I don't need to earn such money. If they're not happy, they can get someone else to do the job and come back to me to complain about how the other stylists have damaged their hair. I don't have time for this sort of thing. You came to me because you have confidence in me, so you have to trust me."

Now, I have no problem with my stylist telling me that my request will not work because he knows his job better than me. I can deal with that. What baffled me was how reactive and defensive he got when I have not said anything to doubt his skills. I was just exploring my options. He went on and on about his annoyance with his clients - by the sound of it, anyone who dares to ask questions. He asked why I did not want to do the straightening and I told him honestly that I could not keep up with the time and price involved to maintain it. He seem to accept that explanation at first but went on to brag about how much he spends on his face.

"Do you know how much I spend on my face? Much more than what you spend on your hair. There is a price to beauty."

Yes, you have a point. But not everyone is as vain as you. I started to ask him about Japanese cut. Being fellow Asians, I thought they would share similar hair structure as us Chinese. If they can have a good cut why not us? He lean close to me and whispered,

"I am not trying to be a hypocrite but.....those Japanese girls are prettier than you.....taller than you."

I was shell shocked by his tactlessness. He made further remarks about my petite frame and lack of height. A few pairs of eyes were already on me. His assistant was visibly sympathetic while I was more bemused and embarassed than I was angry. This guy is WAY over the top.

In the end, I stuck to my original decision and the result wasn't as bad as he made them to be. The soft curls at the base added a sense of femininity and my hair had never felt so natural and healthy in a long while.

rk

(btw, did I mention that he also bragged about how much he spends on his trips to UK? Jeez....)

Family Matters

2006-08-24T17:55:00.000+08:00

Last night I received a call from my mother. We talked briefly before I had to hang-up. The kids were waiting for me to take my turn at Giza, a pyramid building board game. I composed myself and tried to hold back tears that were beginning to rim my eyes. There'd be too much to explain to a 5 and 11 year old.

A few days ago, I discovered some papers outlining an instalment repayment plan for stock market contra losses. My husband had chalked up a significant amount of debt - again. The implications are vast and varied. I could rant on and on about it but what good will it do? That is not the purpose of this post.

I want to write instead about the treasure God has hidden for me in the rubble of our financial woes. Because it is a rare thing; to be able to find treasure among ashes. It is the glory of God to conceal a gift, it is the glory of man to search it out.

My mother has always encouraged me to stay strong in the Lord and to trust Him to make a way for us. She has had her share of battles in her own journey. Time will tell how much her faithfulness and perseverance in the Lord has impacted the lives of her children. It would be her greatest contribution to her family, besides introducing us to the Lord. I know her words were not out of ignorance or naiveness but time tested faith. She has been consistently supporting me in prayer and with practical help throughout my troubled marriage.

Last night she offered me her savings. I was immediately humbled. You have to know that my mother has been a housewife her entire life. We were not born in wealth.... but we get by. Both my parents are now retired. The savings she offered me is a gift of love from my eldest brother. She wants me to know that if I'm overwhelmed with payments for my children's endowment and life policies, which really is a major burden, she wants to relief me of it (ie. I can consider terminating some of them) by financing part of my children's education through her own savings and with my brother's help. She hopes to free me up financially to focus on the daily and immediate necessacities. Although the amount seem insignificant considering how much a local university or overseas degree would costs in 10 years time, the meaning behind that gesture is monumental. She also assured me that the rest of the family are ready to provide assistance and support if a need arises. They have discussed among themselves (particularly my eldest brother and my Dad) about a contingency plan if my circumstances should deteriorate.

I am deeply moved by my family's love and sense of unity. My in-laws have also been very supportive. To have the love and support of our family is one of the greatest treasures we can ever have.

Those were tears of gratitude. One day my children will fully realize, as I am beginning to now, just how blessed we are.

rk

Sophie Scholl: The Final Days

2006-08-21T17:18:00.000+08:00

SophieScholl

I am a huge fan of historical/epic films and films based on true-life events; especially if they portray courage and selflessness in the face of extreme pressure. There are simply too numerous to name but a big time favorite is Schindler's List. A more recent one would be Hotel Rwanda. Last week another great film of this genre premiered here. Although I was in a solemn mood last weekend, I went ahead to watch it anyway. It turned out to be an experience that is both shattering and ultimately uplifting.

Sophie Scholl: The Final Days, is a true story of Germany's most famous anti-Nazi heroine. This german gem uncovers a slice of European history many of us are not familiar with. Drawing on interviews with survivors and transcripts of Scholl's interrogation and incarceration that had remained hidden in East German archives until 1990, director Marc Rothmund expertly brought to thrilling life the final days of Sophie's life: a fast-moving, feverish account of six days, from arrest to interrogation, trial and sentence. It was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film in January 2006.

In 1943, as Hitler continues to wage war across Europe, a group of college students mount an underground resistance movement in Munich. Dedicated expressly to the downfall of the monolithic Third Reich war machine, they call themselves the White Rose. Sophie Scholl is one of its few female members. She's an enthusiastic, appealing student with an irrepressible zeal for the truth. She helps her brother Hans, also a member of the White Rose, produce and distribute pamphlets that describe how the Third Reich caused the massacre at Stalingrad and forced Jews into concentration camps. But when she was captured during a nerve-wrecking covert operation to distribute pamphlets on university campus with her brother, the true tests of her character begin. The virtue and verve that Scholl demonstrated, first in deceiving her interrogators, and later in endeavoring to save her friends and family from execution, will amaze you. Unwavering in her convictions and loyalty to the White Rose, her cross-examination by the Gestapo quickly escalates into a searing test of wills as Scholl delivers a passionate call to freedom and personal responsibility that is both haunting and timeless. She demonstrated extraordinary faith in God all the way to the time of her execution and relied heavily on Him for strength.

On February 22, 1943, Sophie, her brother Hans and their friend Christoph Probst were found guilty of treason and condemned to death by head judge of the court. They were beheaded in the Munich-Stadelheim prison only a few hours later. The sentence was carried out with startling promptness. Because of the movie title we are not surprised, but we are jolted. Following her death a copy of the sixth leaflet was smuggled out of Germany through Scandinavia to England, and in mid-1943 millions of propaganda copies were dropped over Germany from Allied planes, now retitled as "The Manifesto of the Students of Munich." She embodies the adolescent faith that any political action is better than none. Today, more than a hundred German schools are named after her, and Jentsch's portrayal of Scholl may just inspire more brave young souls to pursue their own quests of justice and truth against all odds.

SOPHIE SCHOLL-THE FINAL DAYS received three Lolas (German Oscars) including the Audience Award and Best Actress Award to Jentsch for her brilliant characterization of the title role. The film also won two Silver Bears for Best Director and Best Actress at the 2005 Berlin International Film Festival.

For further information about Sophie, the White Rose and the film, check these out.

Sophie Scholl - here and here.
The White Rose
The Final Days official site

Homesick

2006-08-19T13:05:00.000+08:00

As I reflect on the past week, only one thing comes to my mind - LOSS.

Just yesterday, a co-worker called up the office to ask for prayer support from a few of us. Her father was in critical condition. I heard from her today that he had lapsed into a coma and even if he pulls through, the chances of him coming out of the coma is very narrow. Doctors told her the same thing they told my friend who just lost her mother a day earlier- prepare for the worst.

And then there are those Lebanese children - blown to pieces for no fault of their own. We can't begin to imagine the anguish of their parents. And all those other people who lost their spouses, friends, home, even their faith.

The more we try to comprehend the deeper we sink into our valley of darkness, enveloped by our grief andf the injustice of it all.

Father, you promised there will come a time when every tear will be wiped away and there will be great rejoicing and reunion. I know even now you are crying with us....for every child, every parent, every spouse, every friend. Surround and sustain us in this difficult times, Lord. We need you because we can't do this alone. Help us see the hope you've planted in our hearts when all we see around us is great darkness. Thank you for walking alongside us.

Homesick by Mercyme

rk

Faith In Times of Crisis and Desperation

2006-08-18T11:10:00.000+08:00

I was scouring the web for information on how to pray for cancer patients and their family when I came across the site of Beth Am - a community of Jews in California. I found more than what I was looking for in this article by Rabbi Janet Marder in Beth Am's sermon archive. As most of you know, Christianity has it's roots in Judaism. The values and history of the Jewish people are a major part of the foundation of Christianity. The version below is adapted from the original in an effort to make it shorter. The original was 7 pages long!

From Fear To Faith

"Birth is a beginning
and death a destination.
And life is a journey:
From childhood to maturity
And youth to age;
From innocence to awareness
And ignorance to knowing;
From foolishness to discretion
And then, perhaps, to wisdom;
From weakness to strength
Or strength to weakness—
And, often, back again;
From health to sickness
And back, we pray, to health again;
From offense to forgiveness,
From loneliness to love,
From joy to gratitude,
From pain to compassion,
And grief to understanding –
From fear to faith….”

At every funeral at which I officiate, I read those words, by the late Rabbi Alvin Fine. They capture for me an essential Jewish idea: that life is not just about growing older; it’s about how we grow as a person and develop our character and spirit. One line, though, always stands out for me. We can understand the progression from youth to maturity, the journey from foolishness to discretion to wisdom. We can see how a person might move beyond resentment and learn to forgive, overcome loneliness and learn to love unselfishly, learn compassion for others from suffering pain oneself, stop taking good fortune for granted and feel gratitude for the blessings in one’s life.

But what about the movement from fear to faith? Often we think of faith as something we leave behind as we grow in knowledge and wisdom. One writer, explaining his own atheism, wrote, “For people who have been lucky enough to have a good education, belief in God, I say, should be rejected.” In other words, grownups should outgrow religious faith just as we outgrow fairy tales.

Far from being the sign of a strong, mature personality, we tend to see faith as the refuge of the unsophisticated and weak – “a crutch,” as science fiction Robert Heinlein wrote, “for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without help.” And rather than being the outcome of personal growth, faith often seems to us to reflect a narrowing of the mind and heart, common to those who cling to simplistic or even dangerous ideas.

Some kinds of faith deserve to be given up, deserve to be grown out of --or, better yet, we should not inflict such faith on children in the first place. But there’s also the kind of faith that Alvin Fine is talking about – the faith which we can grow into, the faith that comes with wisdom, with maturity, as a sign of inner strength. The kind of faith that can help us face our fears.

Here's story about faith from the 18th century. Once there was a learned man, a man who prided himself on his education, and who boasted of being modern and “enlightened.” He made a practice of going from one rabbi to another to debate with them about their faith and refute all their claims and arguments, which he considered hopelessly old-fashioned. Finally he came to Levi Yitzhak, the rabbi of Berditchev, hoping to prove him wrong, as well. The rabbi looked into the man’s eyes and said, “My son, the great Torah scholars with whom you argued wasted their words on you. After you left them, you only laughed at what they had said. They could not place God on the table before you, they could not show you God’s reality, and neither can I. But think, my son. Just think! Perhaps it is true. Perhaps it is true after all.”

The enlightened man made the utmost effort to reply, but the word “perhaps” beat on his ears again and again, and he departed in silence. The rabbi doesn’t reject him or attack him for his doubts. He doesn’t debate with him either, but states flat out that he can’t offer definitive proof that God is real. He offers him, instead, just one word: “perhaps.” It doesn’t sound like much, at first. You’d think that a great religious leader should be able to come up with more than “perhaps.” But Rabbi Levi understands that “perhaps” is irrefutable. It simply opens the door to the possibility that God is, and that there may be something to religion, after all.

Immature faith is rooted in certainty, a conviction that it alone possesses the truth. It cannot tolerate ambiguity or doubt; it is threatened by opposing views. Far stronger is faith that is rooted in “perhaps.”

Mature faith understands that all thoughtful people have doubts and must live with uncertainty. It is gentle, modest and humble in its assertions. It does not make grandiose pronouncements or give absolute assurances. Mature faith respects the world’s complexity; it acknowledges that there are many paths to truth; it does not seek to denigrate or dominate others through dogma.

A second story, about fear and faith: A midrash says that when the Israelites, fleeing from slavery, came to the shores of the Red Sea, the frightened people began wrangling with one another, each one saying “I will not be the first to go down into the sea.” While they were arguing, a man called Nachshon sprang forward and was the first to enter the waters. Meanwhile, Moses stood in prayer before God. God said to him, “My beloved children are in danger at the sea, and you stand here praying?” Moses said, “But Master of the universe, what can I do?” And God answered: “Speak to the children of Israel and lead them forward.”

Immature faith looks to God as the parent in the sky who will get us out of trouble and solve our problems. But the midrash teaches something different: that human beings must face reality and act to solve their own problems, and that faith, and prayer, give us the strength to go forward. (This is what some call, active faith - we act, trusting in God's guidance - not ourselves).

A third story, recorded in the Talmud, about the loss of an immature faith. A sage called Elisha ben Abuyah saw a young boy fall off a ladder and die while engaged in performing a mitzvah from the Torah. Upon witnessing this tragic event Elisha denied the existence of God and declared: “there is no justice and there is no Judge”

Elisha’s faith was rooted in the belief that God rules the world like a fair and attentive judge, doling out rewards and punishments exactly as deserved. They are human efforts to make sense of a chaotic world. This kind of faith is still prevalent in our own day, for something inside us longs for the universe to be just. But this kind of faith is destined to collapse in the face of reality.

Shirley Ranz, the child of Holocaust survivors, defines herself as a Jewish nonbeliever, saying, “How can I be religious? My parents went through the worst hell on earth. How could I believe that a good, powerful God would allow this to happen, allow the murder of one and a half million children?” Of course, it doesn’t require a Holocaust for us to question God’s justice. Even the undeserved suffering of a single person seems to challenge this kind of faith.

But Elisha ben Abuyah’s kind of faith was long ago repudiated by Jewish tradition (and Bible scholars). It’s repudiated by the Gemara, the very commentary on that story, which speculates that the ladder was probably rickety, and says that one shouldn't rely on miracles when stepping on a rickety ladder. It’s repudiated by the book of Job, in which a good person suffers through no fault of his own. And it’s repudiated most powerfully in a remarkable passage in the Talmud : “Suppose a man steals a measure of wheat and plants it in his own field. – it would be right that the wheat not grow.” After all, it is stolen. But the passage ends by saying that the wheat will sprout anyway, because “nature pursues its normal course" Nature, that is, is morally neutral – earthquakes, hurricanes and viruses do not distinguish between the righteous and the wicked; bombs fall on the innocent because of the law of gravity, brakes tragically fail and cars crash not because God is plotting the action but because that is the way the world works.

Maimonides warned, in the Middle Ages, that it is naïve to imagine God as a wise and just parent who rewards and punishes us as we deserve. God does not micromanage the universe, he said, so heartbreaking things will happen. People lose their money, lose their homes, lose their health, lose their lives – and none of that is a manifestation of God’s disfavor. Rather, we live in a universe regulated by the laws of nature in which human beings operate with freedom of choice – and in such a universe the suffering of good people is inevitable.

If mature faith can’t offer us certainty, can’t offer us the comfort of being looked after by a God who will solve our problems for us, can’t offer us the guarantee that good behavior will protect us from misfortune, then what’s the point? What’s the value of a faith that leaves us with an ambiguous, dangerous, unpredictable and demanding world?

The value is that it’s a faith designed for the real world, the world we know through experience, the world that disappoints us and hurts us and challenges us every day. A faith that has the capacity to act with constancy and devotion; it is persistence and perseverance; it is the ability to withstand the challenges of the present because of one's devotion to a greater good.

Faith is when a son goes to visit his elderly parents after work, and helps with the shopping and the bills and the medications, and listens to their stories and their complaints and tries to preserve their dignity, because these are the people who gave him life. Faith is when parents hang in there and refuse to give up on their teenage son or daughter, no matter how painful it is. Faith is when people stand by a friend who has cancer and travel with her all along the way, even when they’re afraid. Faith is when a wife takes care of her husband through many long years of illness because she remembers the handsome, smart and loving man who gave everything to her when he had the ability to give.

Love is an emotion, but faith is what keeps you going. Faith is hard. Faith is demanding. Faith comes from inner strength. This quality of faithfulness, of human constancy and steadfast devotion, applies to religion as well as human relationships. It’s hard to be a person of faith today; it’s hard to live by your faith. A faithful believer is one who holds fast to cherished beliefs, even when it’s easier not to.

What is the faith that sustains me in the real world? What is it I affirm when I say the word “God”? I believe that the universe is constructed with beauty, order and coherence. I believe that it's astonishing that we are alive, and that the universe exists at all. I believe that all living things are profoundly connected, that human beings are one family, endowed with infinite worth and entitled to lives of dignity. I believe that we are not alone, and I believe that we are loved with an endless love. I believe that there are ultimate standards of right and wrong that transcend individual opinions. I agree with Bertrand Russell's words: "I find myself incapable of believing that the only thing wrong with wanton cruelty is that I don't like it." I believe that despite the fact that the world is unfair – indeed, because the world is unfair and unkind -- we are called to do justice and to love kindness; and that is the purpose for which we were created. I believe that the world breaks our hearts, and that therefore we must help one another. I believe that our deeds matter, and that we stand accountable for the lives we live. I believe that, despite the abuses of religion, it can summon forth the best in human beings and inspire us to reach for the highest goals; it gives us a community of those who share our deepest commitments. And I believe that none of the above is a fairy tale. It is as real and important and powerful as anything I know.

Ultimate purpose; ultimate obligations; ultimate standards of good and evil; infinite love. All of those are implied, for me, in the statement that God exists. That is the substance of my faith. Just think – perhaps it is true after all! Life is not about intellectual exercises or the philosophy we profess. It's about what we do with the years that we're given.

Birth is a beginning, and death a destination, but life is a journey…from fear to faith. What kind of faith can help us to face our fears?

Let me answer, and conclude, with some words by Jerome Groopman, professor at Harvard Medical School, a physician and a deeply committed Jew who says the Mishebeirach for healing for his patients. He writes about Barbara, a 67 year old woman, a retired history teacher, who three years ago was diagnosed with breast cancer. After a lumpectomy and six months of chemotherapy, the cancer was found to be growing in her liver and bones.

“It’s important to understand,” Dr. Groopman says to Barbara, “that….even if we achieve remission, there is no cure for breast cancer once it has metastasized. Treatment is palliative.” “I know,” Barbara says. Her expression remains calm. Over the following months of treatment, Dr. Groopman marvels at the poise and calm that Barbara continues to display. “She showed no fear or anxiety,” he writes. And he asks: “…Could someone really transcend the fear of death….?”

Months later, when Barbara’s remission has come to an end and the tumor is resistant to every treatment he has tried, Dr. Groopman comes to tell her he has no other drugs to offer. He writes: “Barbara greeted me warmly, as she always did. I moved a chair close to the bedside and grasped her hand. After we chatted for a short time, I began to break the bad news. ‘Barbara, we’ve known each other for well over a year, and we’ve been honest with each other every step of the way.’ Briefly, her lips trembled, and then she regained her composure. Her eyes told me she knew what I was about to say. ‘I know of no medicine that I can give you at this point to help you.’

“We sat in heavy silence. Barbara shook her head. ‘No, Jerry,’ she said. ‘You do have something to give. You have the medicine of friendship’.”

The last time Dr. Groopman visits Barbara he notices that her eyes are sunken and her skin is pale. “It would not be long, I thought. I knew how much I would miss her. ‘Are you afraid?’ I asked. … ‘You know, not really,’ Barbara said. ‘Not as much as I thought I might be.’ I moved my chair closer to to hers. ‘Why do you think that is?’

‘I’m not entirely sure,’ she said. ‘I have strange comforting thoughts….When fear starts to creep up on me, I conjure the idea that millions and millions of people have passed away before me, and millions more will pass away after I do. Then I think: my parents each died. I guess if they all did it, so can I.….As Ecclesiastes says, everything has its season – a time to be born and a time to die.

‘And… I believe in a hereafter, that we can return to God. What form that takes no one can really say.’ Barbara grinned. ‘It’s not like I’m expecting to get on the Up escalator and be delivered to paradise. Or find angels there playing harps. I was never one for airy music.’
….Barbara’s tone turned grave. ‘Of course, I also have doubts. Everyone who believes has doubts if they’re honest with themselves. I suppose it could all be an illusion. But deep inside, it doesn’t feel that way at all.’

Dr. Groopman ends his story by wondering how he himself will face the end of his life. “My work regularly brings me in close proximity to death,” he writes. “Like every doctor, I have learned how to compartmentalize the fear and anxiety it naturally provokes, in order to function effectively at the bedside. Yet there are times when my own mortality breaks through, and I ponder how I will face it. I, of course, will not know until the time comes. The idea that I might feel hope at the end gives me comfort.” [Adapted from The Anatomy of Hope: How People Prevail in the Face of Illness]

“From defeat to defeat to defeat –
Until, looking backward or ahead,
We see that victory lies
Not at some high place along the way,
But in having made the journey, stage by stage,
A sacred pilgrimage.
Birth is a beginning
And death a destination.
But life is a journey,
A sacred pilgrimage
To life everlasting life."

Just think: perhaps it is true, after all.

rk

Prayer.....What Is It Anyway?

2006-08-17T13:22:00.000+08:00

It has been an erratic week. I have prayed very specifically for 2 things the past week - a ceasefire in Lebanon and healing for my friend's mother. On Monday morning the headlines read: Ceasefire in Lebanon to take effect today. Yes!!! I punch my fist into the air in victory.

A few hours later I received a text message from my friend. Her mom was to be admitted immediately for surgery. My heart sank. They don't usually call for immediate surgery unless it's critical. But there was still a glimmer of hope. I prayed. At 8 the next morning another text came in. - mom in icu after heart op.... cancer last stage.....doc says to prepare for worst. Half of what was left of my "hope" rope snapped. Anguish for my friend.....that's all I felt. God....she has gone through so much....please don't let this happen - I pleaded silently. I rushed down to the hospital after work that day. We hugged and I held her for a while as she cried. I wish I could take away her pain and tell her that everything is going to be alright. Helplessness is not a nice feeling. We want to feel in control. But life is designed in such a way that it humbles us. In times like this we can only cast ourselves upon God and stand by each other in love and solidarity. A nurse I spoke with later, told me with grimm face, that the patient was very sick. I know what that means..... but I prayed anyway. She passed away early the next morning.

Prayer...what is it anyway? For whose sake do we pray, and what we hope to gain from our prayers? Are we asking for something from God, or just seeking to unburden ourselves, to place our concerns before God and our community? Is our prayer mostly a message of concern we send to the one we're praying for, intended to encourage our friend or loved one who knows that we are praying for him or her? Can a prayer for healing “work” if the sick person does not know that we are praying?

Why God answers some prayers but not another is a question asked in every generation. It hovers over hospital beds, and kitchen tables, and silent rooms where someone lies awake and alone in the dark. It will not go away.

Despite the questions, we go on praying for the sick. We say or sing or whisper the words, even in tongues - sometimes skeptically and sometimes tenderly and sometimes desperately and sometimes choked by tears. The question of what prayer is and why we pray has many possible answers, or perhaps it's more accurate to say, it does not subscribe itself to a set of clear cut answers. But I particularly like what one rabbi said about the emotional power of such prayer. For him, a prayer offered on behalf of the sick, or by the sick person himself or herself, is an act of connecting directly with the eternal source of comfort and love. Commenting on a verse from Psalm 32, Greenberg says this: "one who trusts in Adonai (God) will be embraced by hesed (lovingkindness)". The truth is: when you are sinking, when you are totally wrapped up in your own fear and pain, it is still possible to break out. God’s loving presence surrounds you at all times; God shares your pain as only an infinite consciousness can. God feels your hurt, kisses your wound compassionately. The divine steadfast love enfolds you even when the longed-for miracle does not come.”

Rabbi Greenberg’s words are neither naïve nor simpleminded. They are grounded in the belief that a sick person can be lifted out of fear, pain and isolation by offering or hearing words of prayer – ancient, sacred words that link the lone individual to a reality beyond the self. When the medical arts have reached their limit, prayer remains to sustain the soul -- to remind us, if we allow ourselves to believe it, that we do not suffer alone. It is possible, even in the midst of illness, to sense that you are cared for, that you are held in the embrace of a God whose love encompasses you forever.

“When my first wife was utterly ridden with cancer cells,” writes Martin Marty, “.....emaciated and all, I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking, ‘Oh God, reverse these cells and give me a healthy-bodied spouse again.’ That was simply out of the range of this mode of conversation. What she and I prayed for was that love would be stronger than death, that nothing would separate us from the love of God, that we would be given strength for the day when it came – and when it came, we had it.”

And perhaps that is ultimately what the prayer for healing is all about, and why no visit to the sick is complete without a prayer. We pray when we have done everything we can and there is nothing else that we know how to do. We pray when our own resources are exhausted and we need another source of strength. We pray as an expression of human love and attention, in the hope that pain and solitude can be eased. We pray in the hour of extremity, so that we can go on to face whatever we will have to face. We offer words of prayer when those are the only words we have left.

Rabbi Steven Moss, a chaplain at Sloan Kettering Hospital, writes this: “I recall once being asked to pray Psalms for a seven year old boy who was in a coma. As I prayed the ancient words, I knew I was not sure of the reason as to why I was praying. Was I asking for the child to come out of the coma and live a vegetable-like existence? Was I praying that the child would miraculously awaken from the coma and be totally cured of cancer? Or was I petitioning God to mercifully take this child’s life? In truth, I was asking for all three answers, as well as for none at all. For, by this act of prayer, I was not saying to God that I wanted one answer over the others; for each, in human, real-life terms, had its own difficulty. By this act of prayer, I was doing the only thing I knew to do at this desperate moment, which was to place this boy’s existence in God’s presence, through my presence of love and care for this child.”

That basically sums up how I felt when I prayed for my friend's sick mom, especially towards the final stages. Sometimes, I'd stop midway and give up trying to articulate anything because I was so confused and do not know what exactly to ask. None of them are believers either, so that makes it a little more complex. But reagardless, I always end by placing her and her family in God's presence.

rk

Portions of this article are taken from Rabbi Marder's sermon - A Prayer for Healing. In my next post, I will be sharing another article (also from Rabbi Marder) that explores what faith is, especially in times of crisis and desperation. It is one of the best commentary I've read on the subject of faith and it came at the right time as I'm seeking to make sense of the past week.

Ad To Stop Slaughter in Mid-East

2006-08-11T12:59:00.000+08:00

This is an ad that appeared in the NY Times and LA Times recently. I am helping to spread the message by posting it here. They plan to reprint it in newspapers in Israel, Lebanon and Palestine and would require more funds. So if you're able, do send in your donations here.

STOP THE SLAUGHTER IN LEBANON, ISRAEL AND THE OCCUPIED TERRITORIES!

Convene an International Middle East Peace Conference to Impose a Final Settlement on All Parties

In the name of our sisters and brothers suffering and dying in Lebanon, Israel and the Occupied Palestinian Territories, we, the undersigned, call upon the Israeli government, the leaderships of Hezbollah and Hamas, the U.S. Government, the international community and the United Nations to immediately take the following steps to stop the war in these countries:

1. We call upon Hezbollah and Hamas to immediately stop shelling or otherwise engaging in violence against Israel. These actions, which have killed numerous Israeli civilians, terrorized the people of Israel and damaged many towns and cities, played a central role in provoking the current crisis, and do nothing but harm the cause of Palestinian and Lebanese independence and democracy. It is this kind of violence which has over the years pushed many decent Israelis into the hands of its most militaristic and insensitive political leaders.

2. We call upon the Israeli government to immediately halt its attacks on Lebanon. We join with the Israeli peace movement and the thousands of Israelis who demonstrated against this war in Tel Aviv on July 22, 2006 in their insistence that these attacks are utterly disproportionate to the initial provocation by Hezbollah, have killed innumerable innocent civilians, displaced one million people, destroyed billions of dollars of Lebanon’s infrastructure, and will not, in the long run, secure peace or security for Israel. We also call on the Israeli government to supply food, electricity, water and funds to repair the humanitarian crisis caused by its invasion of Gaza.

3. We call upon the U.S. and governments around the world to insist that Israel, Hezbollah and Hamas implement a lasting ceasefire, place an immediate embargo on all shipments of weapons to all parties in the war (including Syria and Iran), and join an international conference to provide security on the border between Israel and Lebanon. By endorsing Israel’s attacks, sending it new supplies of weapons, and explicitly giving it time to do more damage to the people of Lebanon, the U.S. government has become a party to this violence, which, together with American military action in Iraq, is sure to create enmity toward the U.S. and Israel in the Muslim world for generations to come.

These are the minimum steps necessary to stop the violence and the humanitarian disaster in southern Lebanon and the Gaza Strip. But these steps alone will not ensure that the region doesn’t return to an untenable status quo which will again eventually break into violence and new rounds of warfare.

We therefore also issue:

A call for Lasting Peace

We call for an International Peace Conference to impose a fair and lasting solution to all aspects of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and to the conflict between Israel and other states in the region. Why do we say “impose”? There are too many forces in each country in the region who are committed to continuing this struggle forever. Their provocations will continue until the international community stops the violence once and for all and imposes conditions of security that will allow the peace and reconciliation forces in each country to flourish.

Such a solution would be based on the following conditions:

a. The creation of an economically and politically viable Palestinian state (roughly on the pre-1967 borders with minor border modifications mutually agreed upon between Israel and Palestine); and simultaneously the full and unequivocal recognition by Palestinians and the State of Palestine and all surrounding Arab states of the right of Israel to exist as a Jewish state offering full and equal rights to all of its non-Jewish citizens;

An international consortium to provide reparations for Palestinians who have lost homes or property from 1947 to the present, and reparations for Jewish refugees from Arab states from 1947–1967;

c. A long-term international peacekeeping force to separate Hezbollah and Israel in southern Lebanon and to protect Israel and Palestine from each other and from other forces in the region who might seek to control or destroy either state; and

d. The quick imposition of robust sanctions against any party that refuses to sign or violates these agreements.

A New Spirit of Open-Heartedness and Reconciliation

We know that no political solution can work without a change of consciousness that minimally includes an open-heartedness and willingness to recognize the humanity of the Other, and repentance and atonement for the long history of insensitivity and cruelty to the other side.

Both sides must take immediate steps to stop the discourse of violence and demeaning of the other in their media, their religious institutions, and their school text books and educational systems. They should implement this by creating a joint authority with each other and with moral leaders in the international community who can supervise, and if necessary, replace those in positions of power in both societies who continue to use the public institutions of the society to spread hatred or nurture anger at the other.

Once the other parts of a lasting peace have been set in place, we call upon the parties to this struggle to launch a Truth and Reconciliation Commission, following the model used in South Africa.

Use This Moment to Challenge the Paranoid and Cynical “Political Realism” That Generates Endless Wars

The self-described “realistic” version of global politics asserts that we live in a world in which our safety can only be achieved through domination, or others will seek to dominate us first. Of course, when we act on this assumption, it becomes self-fulfilling.

We propose, instead, a strategy of generosity—to act on the assumption that people have an enormous capacity for goodness and generosity (without negating the truth that certain conditions promote fear, anger and hatred which sometimes are expressed in horribly destructive ways). For the U.S. and other G8 countries, we call for a Global Marshall Plan: for each of the next twenty years, the U.S. and other G8 countries should dedicate 5% of their Gross Domestic Product to eliminating global (and domestic) hunger, homelessness, poverty, inadequate health care and inadequate education for the peoples of the world. This would have to be carefully monitored and apportioned in ways that ensure the care reaches the people for whom it was intended. But what is critical is the spirit in which it is done.

Similarly, we are aware that eventually the world (plus new and better missiles from the Arab world) will force Israel to accept terms of lasting peace we propose above. But it would be better for Israel, the U.S., and for Jews around the world if Israel were to do so now without being forced, and in a spirit of open-heartedness, generosity and recognition of the Palestinian people’s humanity and equal rights for security and dignity—and it would save countless lives of young Israelis and Arabs alike.

The only protection that we in the advanced industrial countries of the world can ever really have for our lives is to spread a spirit of love so powerful and genuine that it becomes capable of reducing the anger that has understandably developed against the powerful and the wealthy of the world.

The “cynical realists” claim that others are entrenched in their hatefulness, and that war and domination is the only way to battle them. This kind of thinking has led to five thousand years of people fighting wars in order to “end all wars”—and it has not worked. It’s time now to try a new strategy of generosity, both economic generosity and generosity of spirit. As stated above, there will first have to be a transitional period in which real military protections are available to people on all sides of the struggle. But by beginning now to simultaneously commit our economic resources and change the way that we talk about those whom we previously designated as “enemies,” we can begin the long process of thawing out angers that have existed for many generations.

Nothing can redeem the deaths and suffering that all sides have faced in this struggle for the past 120 years. But this very moment could also be the time in which the human race realizes the futility of violence and comes together not only to impose a lasting solution for the Middle East, but to begin a new era and to recognize that our own well-being depends on the well-being of everyone else on the planet. The International Middle East Peace Conference should be structured to achieve this end—which means it should have an explicit psychological and spiritual dimension and a visionary agenda.

We Affirm the Sacredness of All Human Beings.

This may well be the last chance we in the advanced industrial societies have to avoid international catastrophe (either environmental or nuclear) by modeling something else besides brute power, military might and indifference to the well-being of others. If not now, when?

It is time to overcome national chauvinism and arrogance—but also our own personal sense of powerlessness. We need to build ethical and spiritual solidarity among the people of the world—the necessary foundation for effective political and economic cooperation. Our well being depends on the well being of everyone else on the planet. We need to strengthen international institutions that can foster this sense of solidarity, but we also need to support political and spiritual movements that encourage a transformation of the heart away from the excessive focus on our own individual egos, paths to success and “making it” in terms of fame, glory, sexual attractiveness, accumulation of “things” and money, so that we and all the peoples of the world can put our joint attention to building global peace, social and economic justice, ecological sanity, and a new spirit of mutual caring, genuine and lasting love and generosity. It’s too self-indulgent to let depression about the state of the world render you powerless—your participation is indispensable for changing the world.

Unrealistic? Nope. What has proved unrealistic time and again—whether we are talking about U.S. policy in Vietnam and Iraq or Israeli and Arab policies in the Middle East—is the fantasy that one more war will put an end to wars. The path to peace must be a path of peace.

We are joining with The National Council of Churches of Christ and many other religious groups in the call for days of prayer and fasting toward the aim of peace, reconciliation and affirming the message in this ad. Use this ad as a way to start discussions with people in your life. And please sign the ad and donate (www.tikkun.org/PeaceAd) so we can reprint it elsewhere. When you do so, include your email address, and we will alert you to other actions that we can take together.

This ad is sponsored by:
Tikkun: A Bimonthly Jewish Critique of Politics, Culture and Society
The Network of Spiritual Progressives and
The Shalom Center

Prayer Request for Isreal & Lebanon

2006-08-10T16:21:00.000+08:00

"Prayer is a gift from Almighty God that transforms us, whether we bow our heads in solitude, or offer swift and silent prayers in times of trial. Prayer humbles us by reminding us of our place in creation. Prayer strengthens us by reminding us that God loves and cares for each and every soul in His creation. And prayer blesses us by reminding us that there is a divine plan that stands above all human plans.

In the stillness and peace of prayer we surrender our will to God's will, and we learn to serve His eternal purposes. By opening ourselves to God's priorities, our hearts are stirred and we are inspired to action -- to feed the hungry, to reach out to the poor, to bring aid to a widow or to an orphan or to the less fortunate."

Here is a list I've managed to compile from various sources. They are not in any particular order. Please use them during your own prayer time or as a group. Feel free to modify them as you deem fit.

Please pray for God's guidance:

That wars and rumors of war are set aside for people to make implements that save life more important that the ability to bring death;
That the voices of peace may be heard over the thunder of clashing armies;
That where no hope for peace seems to exist, that new relationships might bud and" grow to the full flower of a peaceful world.
For Israel, Lebanon, the Palestinians and all nations that seem to be on the brink of aggression and in search of retaliation.
For the leaders of the Middle East that they might find new ways of living together that are not dependent upon military muscle and terrorist raids.
For peace and diplomacy between these two countries and for God to work in the hearts of those most affected by the current situation.
For Lebonan families devastated by the bombing; pray also that humanitarian organizations and local authorities can effectively meet the needs of children and families who have lost their homes, belongings and livelihood.
For an end to the hostilities that have caused serious suffering to the people of Lebanon, Gaza and Israel. T
That political leaders will actively pursue diplomatic solutions and that reconciliation and long-term peace will be the result.
Both Lebanon and Gaza have experienced devastating infrastructure losses with severe shortages of medical services, fuel, food, electricity and water resources. Pray for the hundreds of thousands who have been displaced from their homes and that humanitarian corridors will be opened quickly so that relief supplies can flow effectively to those needing assistance.
For the staff of the various humanitarian organizations being deployed to help with these emergencies, and the leaders and other members of the senior management team as they provide leadership and coordinate their response to this crisis.
A spirit of forgiveness and justice to all sides.
Lebanese Christians (roughly 40 percent of the Lebanese population) would act faithfully, charitably, and boldly, and know that other Christians remember them during this crisis.
Wisdom for political and other leaders to act with wisdom and discernment.
God’s peace and wholeness (shalom) would reign in the region in a way it has not for quite some time
God would be honored in how peace comes

Please see also this list of prayer request from christian leaders in Israel and Lebanon. Feel free to add your own prayer request and links in the comment section.

rk

Don't Be Silent

2006-08-08T23:42:00.000+08:00

I was in the subway during the morning rush hour, occupying myself with today's headlines in the papers and there it is again...more civilian casualties in the ongoing Israel-Lebanon conflict. I can't stand looking at images of suffering children. The situation seems to be worsening every day. Suddenly there was this intense emotion and urge to do something other than looking away.

So I did 2 things today. By now I'm feeling very silly over one of them.

I sent out an email to my boss suggesting that the pot-luck lunch my department is organizing this Friday to celebrate our nation's independence, be turned into a charity lunch instead, to raise funds for humanitarian aid for victims of this conflict.
I asked a brother-in-Christ, who is also a co-worker, if he is willing to help draft a letter of appeal for ceasefire to the American and Israeli Embassy here.

I know what you're thinking. But compared to my other fantasized options, these are the least "ridiculous". My dear boss had to turn down my suggestion, in a very tactful way, citing need for approval from head office in US etc etc. I have yet to hear from my co-worker about my request. I don't blame him if he has funny thoughts about me from now on. I mean, what difference would one or possibly two voices make when wordwide condemnation and calls for a ceasefire had been ignored?

If anyone is expecting me to take sides and spew venom on either parties, you're at the wrong blog. This is not the time to push blame and point fingers. There is so much we do not know. But one thing we do know; thousands of civilians (Jews, Christian, Muslim and others) are paying with their lives daily and it breaks our heart especially when a vast majority of the victims are children. It pushes our conscience to do something to either stop or alleviate their suffering or at least voice our protest. We must stop fanning the fires of hatred and start spreading the spirit of forgiveness and peace and stand in solidarity with those who are suffering. Stop talking about who is right and who is wrong or if this is God's will or if this party or that party deserves it or if this is a sign of the Final Battle and if so, to hasten it's coming and ya da ya da ya da. You will never get to the bottom of it. You will only generate more hatred and cause more suffering. So please stop.

Do something that will be of help instead. Besides prayer, fasting and financial aid you can also help by signing petitions to call for a ceasefire. I've included 2 links below. You may also want to google it. There are many more online petitions. I've already spend a good hour signing them this morning. A note of caution though. There are some online petitions which supports one party alone and is use to justify their acts. So please read them carefully. If you're sending donations for humanitarian aid, a good way to spread peace and show your support for the suffering of all (not just those of your own religion) is to send them to organizations that represent the other races or religion. So if you're a Christian, you can send your donations to your local mosques and synagogues as well as your own church, instead of just your church alone. Include a note expressing your sorrow and support for the suffering of their people and let them know you're praying for them as well. The message you will be sending is one of unity regardless of religion. Often Jews, Christians and Muslims think they're each others enemy but in reality we are cousins. We share the same spiritual heritage. If anything, we ought to be the ones that understand each other the most and are the closest. Although I do not think religion is the main issue with the current conflict, there is no harm fostering stronger bonds with each other and showing that we also care about their suffering. There are other humanitarian organizations that benefit all, regardless of race or religion. eg World Vision, Red Cross, UNICEF. You may also send your donations there by contacting their local office.

A lot of people are asking how and what they should pray for specifically. I'll try to consolidate some model prayers and prayer requests and post them here as soon as possible. Do come back to check. Prayer is the most powerful tool especially when we are faced with issues so big they're beyond our control.

I'll leave you with this Open Letter to the people of Lebanon and Israel. It was written by venezuelan, Jose Arocha. This is the kind of message we should be spreading instead of fault-finding ones that does more harm than good.

"First, I would like to express my sorrow for what you are going through. You both feel hurt. I am sorry for your families in pain. My condolences and thoughts are with you.

I have been engaged reading the stories, looking at the heart-breaking images, reading the discussions in online fora, news media and blogs. Some people justify war in the name of honor, faith or national pride and interests. I respect their position. However, in my core, I cannot justify war.

I believe that life is our utmost precious right and our source of joy. The life of a Lebanese or an Israeli girl could be the life of my children. For me, every girl counts. Every life is sacred. I cannot justify the stabbing of any single life.

In the previous times of history, signed by the lack of understanding and means of communications, many were the myths, many the misunderstandings, many the misconceptions, many the fears of the unknown. War was a human reaction to secure the life of the closest ones.

Today, July 2006, in the era of knowledge, information and communication, our human culture still drags those old paradigms to the management of conflict. In many circumstances we have not been equipped with the ability to dialogue, the understanding that nature demands a giving to gain, that our social nature is a conversation continuum of trade-off and negotiation. Today, dialogue is our ultimate tool for the survival and advancement of life.

On the other hand, our natural social and cultural evolution also drags a history of psychological and emotional wounds. In the process of learning, we have made many mistakes. We have. And we could have not expected otherwise. For such is our nature. But this also implies, that as a human race, forgiving is of utmost importance to move on as society. The contrary is just jail for our existance and a vicious cycle of hatred and death passed to our children. Could we embrace learning, failure and forgiving as society?

To the hearts and minds of the Lebanese and Israeli, to the hearts and minds of every human being on this single and only earth, I beg you: Let us stop war with each other.

Let us embrace dialogue, learning and forgiving. Let us stop this suffering and embrace the joy of understanding. Let us leave war behind as a means of negotiation. Let us embrace each other in dialogue, learning and trading-off for the sake of every human life and the future of our children.

Peace be in you."

For those of you wanting to keep tabs on the situation from non-American perspectives, the Jerusalem Post and Haaretz are major Israeli newspapers (ynet is also useful), and here is a complete directory of Lebanese news sites.

Petition by Ceasefire Campaign
Petition by Amnesty USA

rk

Healing Rain

2006-08-04T11:51:00.000+08:00

There is a song I want to share with you today. For the past week, many songs which did not catch my attention before suddenly starts to grab me. This one in particular lifts my spirit and imparts hope in the midst of bad news. A close friend's mother had a relapse of cancer. In a time when all of them need to be strong for each other, they discovered some disappointing and selfish attitudes within the family. My heart breaks for her. If you're the praying sort, please pray for family harmony, for reconciliation, for physical and spiritual healing and for God's grace and love to be evident in this family. Pray also for peace in Lebanon and Israel, for God to tear down barriers to a fair and peaceful resolution, for forgiveness, for mercy. And for all who are hurting, lonely and suffering ....... to be washed in Heaven's rain.

Healing Rain by Michael W. Smith

Healing rain is coming down
It's coming nearer to this old town
Rich and poor, weak and strong
It's bringing mercy, it won't be long

Healing rain is coming down
It's coming closer to the lost and found
Tears of joy, and tears of shame
Are washed forever in Jesus' name

Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain

Lift your heads, let us return
To the mercy seat where time began
And in your eyes, I see the pain
Come soak this dry heart with healing rain

And only You, the Son of man
Can take a leper and let him stand
So lift your hands, they can be held
By someone greater, the great I Am

Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain

To be washed in Heaven's rain...

Healing rain is falling down
Healing rain is falling down
I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid...

rk

Caffeine Overdose

2006-08-03T15:06:00.000+08:00

I have been on caffeine overdose since last Saturday. These are what I've been force feeding myself the past 5 days.

1 x Starbucks Frappucinno
2 x Cappuccino
1 x Espresso
2 x Double espresso
1 x Double Espresso + Nescafe + Milo
1 x Double Espresso + Ceylon Tea (absolutely horrid)
1 x extra thick black coffee, chinese style
1 x 2 shots of Absolut Ruby Red

Today is the sixth day. Enough is enough. I'm staying clean. My mouth has already broken out in ulcers because of it.......I think. According to the chinese theory of yin and yang with regards to food, coffee is considered "yang" which means it will generate internal body heat. Mouth ulcers are a symptom of excessive internal body heat. So there you have it.

The reason for this "indulgence" is because I need to induce at least one episode of heart palpitation within this 2 weeks. I've finally gotten down to seeing a cardiologist to root out the cause of a series of palpitations, accompanied by chest pains, which has increased in frequency since late last year. I've been put through a couple of test including an echocardiogram. The results are not out yet. The deliberate coffee overdose was because the occurrence of these palpitations does not follow any particular pattern or trigger for my case. However I have noticed that coffee and sometimes alcohol, tend to make my heart more vulnerable. So is excessive emotional and psychological stress. What my doctor had decided to do was to loan me a 14-day Event Monitor. That's $65 for 2 weeks by the way. It is a device used to record an ECG outside the hospital. It's very portable and pretty easy to use. During this time, I should try to induce an episode of palpitation if necessary so that it can be transmitted back to the hospital for my doctor to investigate. The best way I know how I could do that it is to drink coffee because the last time I had one, it almost knocked me out - and it wasn't even an espresso. Thus the list above. But guess what? It just WON'T come! The other odd thing is that I did not even experience the same severity of symptoms I usually to get with coffee. I slept like a baby too. Palpitation? The closest I get was an extra skip or two at irregular times, which makes it quite impossible to have time to attach the electrodes on my body and plug in the device. At first I thought I should wear it 24/7 so that all I will need to do is to press the button when it happens. But that would leave me looking like a walking suicide bomber! So I did the next best thing - bring it with me everywhere I go.

I wonder if this lack of "event" has anything to with my improved emotional and psychological state. Ever since a message pastor preached 2 Sundays ago, the dark cloud that had been hovering over me for months seemed to be clearing and completely gone after last week's bible conference. Talk about the impact the Word of God has. I want to thank everyone who has kept me in their prayers.

A recording during palpitation is the best way towards an accurate diagnosis. I do not know what my doctor will suggest next. The monitor is due to be returned tomorrow, after which another device, an Ambulatory Blood Pressure monitor ($95 for 24hrs!), would be strapped on me for 24 hours to monitor my blood pressure. The doctor and nurses freaked out a little when my blood pressure shot up to 202, last Monday. They were concerned when it hovered between 160-200. Unusually high for a women my age, they said. I am 34. Of course they suspected White-Coat Hypertension but prescribed the ABP just to be sure.

Right now, I'm wondering if I should physically exert myself, especially anything that involves bending over or do negative visualization to induce emotional and psychological stress. Perhaps I should also stop feeding myself with positive stuff like Praise and Worship songs for a while. I know it sounds stupid but I have less than 24hrs before I return the device. Suggestions anyone?

rk

Living for God in Your Culture

2006-07-28T22:48:00.000+08:00

I was at RBC's annual Bible Conference the past 2 nights and had the blessed opportunity to hear Bill Crowder teach from the book of Daniel. Bill remains one of the best bible teacher I've ever heard so far. Through him, the Bible comes alive as he uses the life story of different personalities in the Bible to teach us very relevant lessons for today. This time, he taught from the book of Daniel and showed us what it means to live for God in today's culture. It couldn't have come at a better time for me because, as evident in many of my posts this year, I find myself slowly succumbing to the pressures and influences surrounding me. Just like how his pervious exposition on the life of Joseph has taught me to face life's challenges with blessed hope, the lessons from Daniel taught me to stay rooted in God despite the various forces tugging at me from all directions. My only complain is the same as the one before; there are no recordings of the conference, not even on cassettes. I hope the day will come when one of the megachurches here (my own included) would step up to sponsor these conferences. It's such a shame that more people could not benefit form it due to lack of funds.

Since I do not have a recorder, I tried my best to scribble down the main points of the 2-day conference. Bill taught extensively from Daniel 1-9 but they can be best summarized into 5 critical questions to ask ourselves when faced with the 5 pressures of today's culture.

The Pressure to Conform

1) What is going to shape our convictions when under pressure to conform to the culture around us?

Will it be shaped by the pressures of the world or by the eternal truths of God's word? The easy route would be to go with the flow. Daniel's objective was obedience, in spite of his environment. He was determined to be true to his God. A life committed to God begins with purpose of heart. It gave him a foundation for living in a difficult culture. What about us?

The Pressure to Perform

2) Where is our focus when under the pressure to perform?

In life, there are times of high pressure or low pressure, but there are never times of no pressure. Our choices during these changing times tell a lot about us. Are we scrambling to protect ourselves at all costs? Are we doing desperate things that harm others in the process? Or are we more concerned about how our actions will reflect on our God? Is our focus on the blessing or the blesser, on the Lord of the work or on the work, on the God who answers prayer or on the answer? Will we wilt under pressure, or like Daniel, rise above it with a deep confidence in God? When we fail to put our confidence in God, it's easy to loose our focus. Our perspective becomes blurred and we see the trees rather than the forest.

The Pressure to Reform

3) What is it going to take for us to repent and be obedient to God; to abandon ourselves to him instead of being consumed with ourself?

For Nabuchadnezzar, the king of one of history's most powerful empire, Babylon, it was a humiliating (but God-given) bout of insanity. 7 years of living in the fields like a wild animal, eating grass, taught him a few lessons about pride. In the end the mighty Nabuchadnezzar himself wrote of Daniel's God, "Those who walk in pride, He is able to humble." His grandson, Belshazzar, who was consumed by the same pride that nearly destroyed his grandfather, tried to defy God but failed. As a result of his stubborn pride, God gave his kingdom over to the Medo-Persian armies. Belshazzar himself was slain that very night. What does it take for us to acknowledge the God of heavens?

The Pressure to Confront

4) How do I measure up - not in the eyes of the crowd but in the eyes of God?

Daniel was unmoved by the opinions of others, even at the expense of his own life. He was concerned only with what was right in the eyes of his God. Tension is good because it forces us to face up to what really matters. And what really matters at the end of he day is weather we have done that which pleases God. Am I living to please God or man? Am I living in my own energy and trusting my own effort or am I living in God's strength and by His grace? We must never forget that we are first and foremost called to live before the Audience of One - not other people. May we so live that we measure up to God's design for our lives. However we must also not forget that none of us can measure up to God's standard perfectly. That is why we need to lean on His grace. None of us can boast that we have attained purity by our own efforts. We can only boast of a Saviour who has saved us from condemnation by giving us His righteousness.

The Power to Pray

5) What is it that we cannot live without?

Daniel could not live without prayer. He defied King Darius's decree - a result of a conspiracy between the other king's officials because of their jealousy - banning all prayers. Violators would be cast into the lion's den. Daniel's response illustrates the biblical principle of obedient disobedience in which we must choose between obeying God's word or man. Daniel continued his daily communion with his God. This is the secret of a pure life in the midst of an impure environment. As the decree demands, he was sentenced to death in the lion's den......but God delivered him. We who read the story hundreds of years later, know the outcome but Daniel didn't. He knew God's ability, but he didn't know God's plan. We know through church history that there are many others who died for their faith because they refused to denounce their God. Daniel did not know God would deliver him from the lions. He only knew he wanted to live to honor his God. And he also knew he couldn't survive without prayer. Daniel's unflinching devotion to his God in the face of extreme pressure was a powerful testimony to Darius and the people of his day, as evident in Darius' own statement of faith later on in that chapter.

All of us know there are consequences for doing wrong. But there are also consequences for doing the right thing. For Daniel, his very life was at stake. For some, it is rejection and ridicule by family, friends or co-workers. Consequences that results from living in a world governed by forces diametrically opposed to God. How many of us are willing to accept it? Do we fear him who can kill only the body or Him who can destroy both the body and the soul? God is still in control, even when life unfairly banishes us to the proverbial lions' den. Are we prepared to suffer for righteousness sake, even if our only reward is to hear our Lord's pronouncement "Well done, good and faithful servant"?

rk

RBC will be holding 2 bible conferences next year. One in January and one sometime in the middle of the year. As of now, I only have details of the conference in January. If you're living in Singapore, I strongly urge you to attend the conference. Joseph Stowell, former president of Moody Bible college, will be teaching from the book of Philippians. Here are the details.

The Transforming Power of Jesus
18th -19th of January 2007
St Andrew's Cathedral
New Santuary
(timing was not given yet at this point)

Much Of You

2006-07-26T23:42:00.000+08:00

I had a refreshing time at the RBC Bible Conference last night. It was also a time of conviction for me. A couple of things were put back in it's rightful place. I will share more about the conference in my next post as there is still one more night to go. Meanwhile I will leave you with a song that has been playing in my head this past two days.

Much Of You by Steven Curtis Chapman

How could I stand here
And watch the sun rise
Follow the mountains
Where they touch the sky
Ponder the vastness
And the depths of the sea
And think for a moment
The point of it all was to make much of me
Cause I'm just a whisper
And You are the thunder and

I want to make much of You, Jesus
I want to make much of Your love
I want to live today to give You the praise
That You alone are so worthy of
I want to make much of Your mercy
I want to make much of Your cross
I give You my life
Take it and let it be used
To make much of You

And how can I kneel here
And think of the cross
The thorns and the whip and the nails and the spear
The infinite cost
To purchase my pardon
And bear all my shame
To think I have anything worth boasting in except for Your name
Cause I am a sinner
And You are the Savior

I want to make much of You, Jesus
I want to make much of Your love
I want to live today to give You the praise
That You alone are so worthy of
I want to make much of Your mercy
I want to make much of Your cross
I give You my life
Take it and let it be used

To make much of You

This is Your love, oh God
Not to make much of me
But to send Your own son
So that we could make much of You

For all eternity

I want to make much of You Jesus
I want to make much of Your love
I want to live today to give You the praise
That You alone are so worthy of
I want to make much of Your mercy
I want to make much of Your cross
I give You my life
Take it and let it be used
To make much of You

I want to make much of You
Much of You Jesus

rk

Writing Fearlessly

2006-07-26T15:04:00.000+08:00

If you want to write you must have faith in what is. You must respect what exists, because it has earned the right to exist. Of all the possibilities, of all the things that might have existed, this thing exists and you should write about it. Be fearless. Explain nothing. Justify nothing. See things as they are and write about them. Don’t waste your creative energy trying to make things up. Even if you are writing fiction, write the things you see and know.

If you want to write you must have faith in yourself. Faith enough to believe that if a thing is true about you, it is likely true about many people. And if you can have faith in your integrity and your motives, then you can write about yourself without fear. With the right kind of faith, you can be at peace with people knowing things about you and passing judgment on you. And they will judge you. Those who will never dare to write and who will never bare their souls in words will pass judgment on you. And the more hidden they are behind masks of lies and pretense, the more eager they will be to turn the spotlight on you. You will be a scapegoat. You will speak our sins, and they will lay hands on you and drive you into the wilderness.

This is old school. This is primitive. This is the way things are. We look for someone to bear the burden of our sins, then we drive them away so that we don’t have to look at them and can go back to our sinning with peace of mind.

But if you can live with all of this, if you can let people know things about you, keep your eyes on the ball, and keep moving forward, living hard and straight and writing about it, then you can be a writer. And maybe a writer is something you want to be. - Be Lonely, Straight, and True by Rlp

Ouch! I am ashamed to say there were times I have succumbed to the fear of rejection. I don't mean to say that my writings here are not honest. I make great effort to express myself as honestly as I could. It's just that there have been a number of issues I chose not write about because I was afraid people might be offended or hurt. I have always felt that the only way I can be completely honest would be to remain anonymous. Yet, it's quite pointless to stay completely anonymous. The reason why I blog is because I want to make known my thoughts and feelings. They represent who I am to a large extent. What's the point of writing if people cannot connect what I am writing with who I am? It's almost like the Buddhist doctrine of non-self where everything is impersonal; an illusion. Nothing can touch me because there is no "me" to begin with. So I can't say this is what I feel and think about such and such. In short - why write? It won't mean anything without a person behind those words.

Rlp was spot on in his observation and assessment. What am I afraid of? Am I not big and secure enough to handle rejection and criticism?

rk

Evangelical Blindness On Lebanon

2006-07-25T16:32:00.002+08:00

It is normally easy enough for me to dismiss with a smirk some of the simplistic comments that I constantly read or hear from Christians around the world as pertains to events that are going on in the Middle East. These comments hit much deeper at a time when my country is once again hurting beyond pain, under the murderous aggression of Israeli armed forces for the past five days.

It is striking how normally highly reasonable and spiritually aware people can suddenly lose any sense of ethical, let alone Christian, balance when it comes to Middle East conflicts involving modern political Israel.

"Great. All we need is a nuclear-armed Iran led by a messianic president who hates Israel and believes that apocalyptic destruction is a precursor to global salvation," writes David P. Gushee in a recent Christianity Today online column, in reference to Iran's president Ahmadinejad. On the whole, Gushee's article is fairly balanced from a certain point of view, and I suppose within the limits necessary to avoid being attacked and branded by those in our churches who have but disdain for Arabs.

But how is it that he, like so many others, fails to notice that world events in the last few years—even decades—have had as their main catalyst tens of thousands of evangelical Christians with a "messianic" mentality who believe that apocalyptic destruction of all but their beloved Israel will be "a precursor to global salvation"? ----- Evangelical Blindness On Lebanon by Martin Accad.

I can't hide my growing disappointment and dismay with Israel any longer. I have a pastor who has a special love for Israel and it naturally spills over to the congregation as well. So yes, I too share the same affection. But the recent military offensive in Lebanon has moved beyond what is acceptable and ethical. I understand Dr Accad's cry against evangelical blindness. I have been guilty of it myself. We have often been overly bias. An alternative voice is much needed, especially from one who is, not only caught in the middle of the conflict, but also our brother-in-Christ. So I encourage you to finish the rest of the article here. Israel still has a special place in my heart, which is why I pray they will do the right thing.

See also, David Gushee's open letter to Dr Accad and Accad's follow-up response. Both contain a wealth of lesson for us. You can find more related articles and links within.

rk

Coming Back Home

2006-07-23T22:59:00.000+08:00

A friend of mine went back to church last Sunday. She must had fought many internal battles before deciding to face the church again. She asked, "I don't know how a backslider, a blatantly open backslider with a lifestyle that the church does not condone, can ever come back in full strength in the glory of God?" There is a whole lot more in between those words that were not expressed. It takes a lot of courage to give someone who has hurt you, and whom you have hurt too, a chance again. And knowing what a church is capable of - both good and bad - requires just as much.

I came across this quote from somewhere recently; a good reminder of the church's capacity to hurt and heal.

"There is nothing that can break your heart like the church, but neither is there anything that can so restore your heart as being among a few people whose love is transparent, tenacious, and utterly not their own doing."

I do not know what Jesus was thinking when he entrusted the church with the role of being his hands and feet in this world cos we sure screwed it up big time..... a lot of the time. He must be out of his mind. Sometimes, I wonder how he feels when he look at all the mess we've created. He did foresee the future; no one can say otherwise. So there must be something he found worth risking. I do not have answers for you, I told my friend. I am full of questions myself but I agree with the person who quoted that because I've heard of, and sometimes encountered, though rarely, such people - those whose love is transparent, tenacious, and utterly not their own doing. So I shall continue to trust Jesus knew what he was doing. These days when I go to church, I see things with a different eye. I do not naively believe that all we do and the brand of christianity we're trying to sell is 100% true and good and beyond reproach. I do not take church so seriously anymore even though I am serious about God and about my role in his church. But I will continue to go to church because I believe corporate worship and the regular hearing of God's word has it's special purpose and benefit to my spiritual life. If I am already at a very low point in my life, the only worst thing I could do is to abandon God. Going to church keeps me in touch with God when I have difficulty connecting with him for whatever reasons. At times, he did not show up, or at least that was what it felt like. But most times it does make a difference, like today - I have never been so alive and clear headed in a long time. It's as though God had spoken directly to me.

It's risky, messy and often ugly, getting involved with the church. But should we abandon her because she has not met our expectations; has failed, just like everyone of us? Can we say we love God yet turn away from his church? Why don't we be the ones who dress the wounds and wipe the tears of the church; be God's hands and feet to his people and to the world?

And so I told my friend, "If you can my dear, put your trust in God alone, not his church or anyone else." It is something I struggle with all the time but I suspect that could be the only way to real peace and contentment. I hope my friend finds grace and not condemnation in this new church because I know she really misses her Abba and wants to come home.

rk

Faithless

2006-06-27T16:06:00.000+08:00

I feel it's about time I write about my spiritual journey although I do not feel much desire to. Not because I feel the need to keep my blog current for the sake of people who still hang around here but because I want to be able to have access to my thoughts and feelings at different points in my life. Things are usually a lot more clearer looking back than what it looks like while living it. In the present it's usually a big mess with more than a dozen question marks. I am re-reading Yancey's Reaching For The Invisible God and have to agree with him that being in a relationship with an invisible God has not made my world simpler. As I learn to walk the long and narrow path of faith, I discovered for myself, just like Yancey did, that such a relationship has complicated my life in areas that are meant to be complicated.

It has been a long time since I wrote anything of significant depth. You may have noticed I've been quoting more people than myself. The truth is I am feeling very empty these days. My life is also unraveling faster than my heart could catch-up, leaving me more than a little disillusioned. Not only am I not hearing anything from God, I have not been saying anything much to him either. In the pas,t everything reminds me of Him. Now they only feed my skepticism and seal my cynicism. Where God seem so real and close before, I now wonder if it's not just all "in my head"? Where His promises have brought so much hope and faith, they now feel glaringly false. I find myself bound in a helpless cycle of despair and bitterness. My disconnection with God is affecting the way I perceive the world, my circumstances and people around me. I find myself loosing faith in people and in goodness in general. People, believers and nonbelievers alike, have been a disappointment. In my days of faith, I try to search for the image of God in people. Now what I see most of the time is stinking human flesh. The closer I get the uglier it gets. The God given lens that enabled me to see good and beauty seems to have fogged up. I find myself questioning my own judgement; unable to trust neither others nor myself. God? Sure I did at some point but it's fickle. I can't trust my faith in God. The church and christianity as an organized religion have not remedied the situation. If anything they have further sealed my skepticism. I am sick of christian groups bashing one another and dividing the kingdom of God. Each think only they have the accurate and complete revelation of God's truth and how God wants his church to be run and worship to be conducted. With regards to our relationship with the world, we have succeeded in putting up barriers that keep people away. When the people or institution you thought you could count on disappoints you, you find yourself very much orphaned. I find life less enjoyable and meaningful when God is absent. Beauty and humor is altogether lacking. In the midst of all these, I see my own failures.

I have been busy, both by circumstances and by choice. A life full of noise but empty of God.

But sink or swim, I'm pressing on. I'm in this relationship for good. Not only for the lack of better alternatives but also because I've tasted what it's like with and without God and I am willing to take the risk to stay with Him. Inspite of the failures of the church, there are also men and women who, through the example of their life, testify to a good and living God.

rk

Coded Lessons For All Of Us

2006-05-25T17:12:00.000+08:00

This article first appeard in The Star, a Malaysian newspaper and was later picked up by our local paper, Today, under the title - Coded Lessons For Muslims. I've titled it Coded Lessons For All Of Us instead because over reactive behavior is not restricted to Muslims alone. The author, Marina Mahathir, is a newspaper columnist, social activist and the daughter of former Malaysian Prime Minister, Dr Mahathir Mohamad.

Wednesday May 3, 2006

The followers

MUSINGS By MARINA MAHATHIR

A FRIEND was relating how after her daughter had read the Da Vinci Code, she had wanted to read the Bible. Which is not in itself a bad thing except that she was concerned that an impressionable young mind would not be able to differentiate fact from fiction. Also it seemed that perhaps what was needed is a Da Vinci Code-type book for Muslims to spark off the same level of interest in young people in their own religion.

Except that if anyone tried to write a similar thriller based around Islam, they’d be hounded and pilloried and threatened with death, thousands would riot in protest and people who would never have been able to read the book either because they are illiterate or can’t afford it would have died.

Such is the difference between our religions. While there are many Christians who are upset about the book and movie, they are countering it with seminars and other educational events to balance what is being said in the book, even if the book is only fiction. There have not been Da Vinci Code-related riots or deaths thus far. Which speaks volumes for the adherents of the faith.

It would be nice if everyone could brush off similar challenges and say “we are strong enough to withstand any attack”. Even if a book or a movie becomes a runaway hit, compared to the total number of any faith’s followers, the numbers sold can never match it. Books are by nature, in a world where illiteracy is still common, a luxury item. As are American movies, no matter what arguments people make about cultural imperialism.

I remember when there were riots over Salman Rushdie’s book The Satanic Verses, President Benazir Bhutto commented wryly that the people who were dying over the book were those who would never have read it, or possibly even heard of it if someone hadn’t whipped them into a frenzy. A similar situation arose with the cartoons. As insensitive as they were, they were still not worth dying over.

The point is that people’s impressions of a religion are often related to the behaviour of its adherents. Some religions are thought of as simply kooky because its followers behave strangely. Some are viewed as benign and peaceful because its followers resolutely will not harm a fly.

But when people, supposedly in the name of religion, riot, burn and kill, it can’t help but give the impression of a religion that advocates this, no matter how much we point out that nowhere in religious texts itself does it say you should do this. And unfortunately we get the whole spectrum, from men who publicly insult women on a daily basis without censure to the real crazies.

Recently in New York I had to suffer the embarrassment of having to listen to a Muslim man say to a non-Muslim woman at a forum, “Don’t mess with Muslims, we have nuclear weapons!” There I was trying to dispel stereotypes about violence-prone Muslims and in one fell swoop, this nutcase confirmed every stereotype there was.

I think the only people who can dispel stereotypes about Muslims are women. While there are certainly some conservative women, even when these speak out they will naturally change perceptions because in a world where Muslim women are perceived to be perpetually hidden behind curtains, their sheer presence and articulateness will be noticed. What more if they are able to argue rationally in a calm manner.

Thus far there have been very few Muslim men in the international media who give a good impression. We might argue that the Western media selects who they interview in order to perpetuate stereotypes, which is true and that is a problem for all of us. A man or woman who looks like the archetypal wild-eyed conservative is far more telegenic than someone who looks like everyone else. Channel surfers are far more likely to stop at the sight of someone they think of as alien to their culture than if they see someone too similar to them. To stop this means having to make a concerted effort to come together as one community and decide on a sophisticated media strategy. But sadly coming together as one united community is a challenge in itself.

If we do manage as a global community to change other people’s perceptions of us, the benefits would be many. Our own people might think more kindly of each other so peace would reign within. And because within ourselves, we respect diversity, we can do the same with others.

Then peace would truly have a chance.

rk

RLP on The DaVinci Code

2006-05-23T17:18:00.000+08:00

"The second thing I’d like to mention is more important for the Church to consider. Christianity is a major, world-wide religion. It is 2000 years old and is the largest common expression of spirituality in the history of humanity. Does the Christian Church really need to worry about a book and a movie? These things are here today and gone tomorrow, almost literally. The Christian Church has withstood the Roman Empire, medieval Christianity, and the Age of Enlightenment. Somehow the Church even manages to survive its most dangerous challenge - scandal, decadence, and corruption within its ranks. Will Dan Brown now topple us?" - rlp

RLP's thoughts about the DaVinci Code pretty much sums up how I feel about all the fuss surrounding the book and the movie. The only difference is that I have not read the book myself. The movie version was.....well.....unconvincing I would say.

Read the entire essay here,

rk

Rethinking Small Groups

2006-05-11T14:50:00.000+08:00

Last week a few of us finally came to a decision to suspend our bimonthly prayer meetings at the office. The reason? Well, there were several. It is something I've been thinking about for a while. I feel that our prayer meetings are not serving it's purpose the way each of us have initially envisioned. I suspect a few others felt the same way too but since no one brought it up, I thought I should. Either we discuss them openly or we keep going round in circles.

These are some areas which I feel we should think about before starting a small group in the future.

It is quite difficult to form a group for the sole purpose of prayer alone. We will eventually find it dry and boring. That's likely because we don't feel a personal connection with the things and people we pray about. This is quite different from intercessory groups made up of "prayer warriors" who are especially gifted in intercession (see below for a clearer description) and are called into the ministry. We need to identify the main purpose of our group and make sure everyone understand what it is before they commit themselves.
So this means that, if our group is gonna focus on intercession, we need people who are passionate about prayer and are committed. Usually such people already have a sense of sense their gifting and calling. I don't think such a person exists yet within our group. And that's alright. It's nothing to be ashamed of. All of us are gifted differently and called to serve God in different ways.
Therefore, if a group like ours were to continue we will need more than prayer alone. Over at our group, we do sharing as well. By that I mean we talk about what God is doing in our life, our struggles and also our blessings. Somehow it's all getting a little mechanical and obligatory now. Honestly, I feel that the reason for this is because we try to put together a group of people who hardly know each other apart from work and expect them to share about their life as part of the "fellowship". This could be a problem because people will not open up and be real unless they know they can trust each other and know that they will be accepted without judgement. Trust and acceptance don't grow overnight. So what am I trying to say? I'm saying that no small group will thrive well if there is no real fellowship. Friendship bonds are what motivates people to stay in "small groups" where we feel connected and are part of a small family, within a big spiritual family. There are many in such groups who are just getting on with the program without genuine interest in each other's life. It cannot work that way.
With that in mind, I'd also say that part of the reason why people are reluctant to share prayer request is because it's a very private thing. When we ask for prayer we are sharing something personal. Not everyone is ready and willing to do so. Even if we know of a co-worker who needs prayer we are not free to share it during such meetings because our friend trusted us to keep it confidential. In an office environment, this can be tricky. So general prayers work better in such groups. For more personal ones, I suppose all of us would prefer to do it with a trusted friend or a spiritual mentor.
Finally, I think it's perhaps better if a few people who already have an established friendship, who share a common vision and at the same time felt led by God to fulfill that vision, to come together and work towards that vision; be it prayer, worship , support or bible study. Until then, we can't form a thriving group.

These are just some of my own observations and thoughts. Our prayer group lasted over a year and I am glad for the opportunities to learn and grow and get to know each other better. Most of my fellow group members were actually relieved that we're giving this a break.

The gift of intercession referred to above is the special ability that God gives to certain members of the body of Christ to pray for extended periods of time on a regular basis on behalf of and for others, seeing frequent and specific answers to their prayers, to a degree much greater than that expected of the average Christian. These people have a continuing sense of responsibility to pray for people and situations. Prayers for others is considered a Christian vocation - we are all to do it. But some people are gifted in such a way that their "prayer channel" seems to be uniquely static free.

There Are No Wrong Jobs, Only Unrecognized Opportunities

2006-05-10T11:58:00.000+08:00

I am feeling very irritable today. Everyone and everything seems to get on my nerves. It would be best to stay away from people but my job won't allow that. I have been in service oriented jobs all my life, though with the current one I am serving a different group of people. It's very strange how my work-life turns out actually. I was never a people-oriented person by nature. Most times I am the opposite. Quiet. Distant. Detached. I don't know how is it that all the companies I've worked for could have missed that. 17 years of heavy human interaction has rubbed off on me somewhat. No, I'm nowhere near Ms Extrovert. But I think it has given my personality a needed balance. So what we think is a wrong job match could turn out for our benefit if we allow it. Otherwise it could take as long as 17 years for God to mold a certain part of our character. He never stops molding us for His purposes.

And the job I'm in now? It's the best match so far. Sure there are irritable moments like today and they're real but so are the blessed days.

rk

After A Long Break

2006-05-05T14:42:00.000+08:00

I realize I have not updated my blog for over a month, the longest I've been away since it's inception 2 years ago. I must admit blogging have not been at the top of my priorities lately. Too many things were happening at the same time over the past month. I did not have the time, opportunity nor energy to write about them. But I certainly hope to do so as and when I feel led to. Otherwise, I'll just go with what is current. Thanks for sticking around.

rk

Night

2006-03-28T14:10:00.000+08:00

I've just finished Night, the autobiographical novel of Nobel Peace Prize winner, Elie Wiesel. "A slim volume of terrifying power" was how The New York Times described it and rightly so. The original manuscript was written in Yiddish and translated first into French, and then into English. It was first published in France in 1958. This latest translation by his wife Marion was Oprah's latest pick for her Book Club. Of it she said, she had "a dream of my own too, that the powerful message of this little book would be engraved on every human heart and will never be forgotten again. That you who read this book will feel as I do.....that these 120 pages should be required reading for all humanity." Indeed, unlike forty-seven years ago when the book had a difficult start, today, students in high schools and colleges in the United States and elsewhere read it as part of their curriculum. The topic of Auschwitz has also become part of mainstream culture with films, plays, novels, international conferences, exhibitions and annual ceremonies with the participation of the nations officialdom. This latest version with the bonus of a preface by Wiesel himself and a foreword by French writer and Nobel laureate, Francois Mauriac, will shake you out of your little paradise and bring you face to face with the absolute evil of man and moves you into action.

There is in the world now a new commandment, proclaims Wiesel, "Thou shall not stand idly by - when such things are happening. One must act. Sometimes we must interfere. When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivity becomes irrelevant. Whenever men or women are presecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must - at that moment - become the center of the universe."

Never shall I forget that night, the first night in camp, that turned my life into one long night seven times sealed.
Never shall I forget that smoke.
Never shall I forget the small faces of the children whose bodies I saw transformed into smoke under a silent sky.
Never shall I forget those flames that consumed my faith forever.
Never shall I forget the nocturnal silence that deprived me for all eternity of the desire to live.
Never shall I forget those moments that murdered my God and my soul and turned my dreams to ashes.
Never shall I forget those things, even were I condemned to live as long as God Himself.
Never.
- Night

Click here to visit the Elie Wiesel Foundation for Humanity.

Is There A Higher Reality?

2006-03-27T16:02:00.000+08:00

It was a warm and humid evening and I was content to wait at a table in the air-conditioned section of the café. Going al-fresco this time of the year is unthinkable.

“Waiting for someone, stranger?” a familiar voice called from behind.

I turned around.

“You’re late my dear”

She let out a sheepish smile and mumbled an apology. We placed our order and she settled down quickly on the velvet couch in front of me. It has been a rough week for both of us and we’ve decided we could do with some drinks and time to just be. After what seemed like hours, we paused and let the silence linger for a while.

“Have you ever wondered if God can be trusted?”

She nods into her glass of Budweiser. She knows exactly what I mean. She’d probably asked the same question herself.

“How do we know if God can be trusted, really” I repeated. This time a statement more than a question.

“How can we be sure that what God says about this or that is true? And that his promises will come to pass?”

She smiled. Eyes vacant. Eyes that have known disappointment. Eyes that have trusted but have since become disillusioned. Hopefully…… eyes that are still searching.

“When the reality that we know seems to tell us otherwise, which should we choose? God’s word or reality as we see it?”

“And how do we know if the reality we’re seeing is in fact the true reality? Could there be another higher reality which we have not known but will, if we choose to stick with God?”

We’re content to let those questions linger. Neither expecting any sudden revelation nor for them to dissipate into insignificance.

Sometimes, if I’m honest, I feel like telling God that He lied; that love is not that powerful after all, that treating others the way we want to be treated doesn’t pay - it only gets us hurt in the end, that giving my heart away is foolish cos it'll only be trampled on. That’s the reality I’ve known.

My blogger friend, Steve, once wanted to know what he is fighting for. He felt like he is fighting a loosing battle. Is there really any good in persevering when time and again, it proves nothing but failure? It is a question all of us who have experienced disappointment ask. It is an important question for we won’t have the strength to continue fighting a battle which we have no reason to fight for. I tried to search the recesses of my wounded heart and came up with something I hope I will be convinced enough to believe.

Regardless of how we feel, we must not quit on God cos He is our only hope. For what would we be left with if we do? Nothing. To give up on God is to give up everything. When we stop believing that God is still at work in our life and that He can and will work good out of our struggles and redeem our pain, we'd have nothing left worth living for. We're fighting for HOPE. Hanging on to God even if the "out" we wanted did not come is stupidity and blindness to some. Yet it means a lot to God that we do not quit Him even then. Perhaps then we shall have eyes to see the higher reality.

rk

Real conversations in a fictional setting and characters.

Staring

2006-03-24T22:39:00.000+08:00

Sitting here
Staring
Misery all around
oppression ahead , behind
Anguish, deep
Numb
Make me numb

Where are you
I need you
Searching, searching
A drop, a glass
Empty
Cursed

Staring
Prisoner, captive
Trapped
Hell
Free
I want to be free
Escape
Where are you

How long, how long
Jesus
Hear me, look at me
Staring
Staring
Staring
Where are you
Make me numb
Set me free

Or heal me

rk

Looking From The Inside

2006-03-21T14:08:00.000+08:00

Have you ever wondered what goes on behind the scenes at your church every Sunday? What does it feel like to be part of the team instead of a just spectator? Last Sunday, I had the honor and privilege of serving God for the first time in a church setting. I was scheduled to help prepare the elements of the Lord's Supper. Over at our church, celebrating the Lord's Supper is a weekly affair. Until last Sunday, I did not realize how much coordination and teamwork was required to ensure everything runs smoothly for 2 thousand people on 3 separate floors over 4 services. We had to work with a very diverse group of people; from doctors to business people, grandmas to teenagers. It was heart warming to see everyone doing their part out of a heart of thanksgiving and honor to God. Running a megachurch (a little on that later) is like running a huge organization. There are many details to take care of. We need that kind of structure in a large church or else there will be chaos every week. At the same time we must not be too caught up with the externals to the extent that we loose touch with individual lives and with God. So there must be priority and balance. The person who heads the running of such a church has a tremendous responsibility. When you consider the fact that the majority of these people are volunteers of such diverse groups, you'll be amazed when things runs smoothly week in and week out. And you'll know there is no way this can happen in the natural, except by the grace of God.

I do not like the way some people use the word "megachurch". There is nothing wrong with the word but it has been used mostly in a disparaging way by people who feels that size, good organization and prosperity should not be synonymous to a church. In the past, I would feel a strong urge to defend my church because I know the good that God is doing through the church. In the past I also feel the need to defend my God to scoffers. There was this tendency to want to explain. But God has since shown me that He does not need my defense. He is bigger than any accusations, criticism or doubts. And if his blessing is upon a particular church, whether it is a megachurch or a house church, nothing will prevail against it.God uses different churches to meet different needs.

rk

Mosaic Weekend

2006-03-20T17:47:00.000+08:00

Hooray! The day and time finally came for me to sit for my guitar exam. I've prepared 1.5 year for this day and it came and went in 10 minutes flat! I think I did alright in only 2 out of 4 categories. Well....we'll see how it goes. The results will be out within a month. Now I am happy just having time to learn some other pieces besides the 6 exam pieces I have been playing everyday for the past couple of months. Arghh.....

While on my way to Gluttons Bay to feast and chill after the exam I chance upon the Mosaic Music Festival featuring the very best of jazz and world music at the Esplanade. This edition's star-studded lineup consists of internationaly-celebrated names as well as established Asian musicians and homegrown talents, all coming together to present an exhilarating blend of funk, jazz, bossa nova, Afro-Cuban jazz, African and world music, and many more. This is my first experience with the festival and I was impressed by both the music and the general festive atmosphere. The crowd was an appreciative and spontaneous lot, which makes it all the more fun.
I had the chance to sample a variety of music from both local and foreign talents I otherwise would not have known. It was truly quality stuff. My favorite performance during the short period that I was there (they were already into the last 3 days of the festival) was from the homegrown band, E.I.C. I enjoyed it so much that I couldn't help but stay for their last segment.

But all these feels empty without someone to share it with. So as with every good experience, the way to enrich it was to share it. Unfortunately none of my friends are keen, so I brought my kids instead the next day and they too had a great time feasting on hawker fare, enjoying the evening breeze and the skyline by the Singapore River and of course jiving their butts away! My little girl had such a thrill dancing to the salsa beat that she chose to stay behind at the music station instead of exploring the festival grounds with us. I am certainly looking forward to next years festival.

We are really fortunate to be living in a nation that values art and music.

rk

Living A Fantasy

2006-03-16T15:08:00.000+08:00

I was at Disney On Ice's Princess Classics skating extravaganza last night with my daughter. Watching the graceful moves of the skaters to familiar Disney tunes was like living a part of my dream. Not Disney but ice-skating I mean. I have fantasized about it ever since I watched it in the Olympics as a young girl and wished I had the opportunity to learn this art. To me it is a dance more than a sport. I would wish I was born in places where ice-skating rings are not as scarce as it is this side of the equator, where summer is year round! Watching these performances was the closest I could get to a dream come through. Music & dance are the other two things, besides good writing, that could touch me at my soul. My imagination would transport me to a vast skating arena every time I listen to a lovely tune and I would imagine myself skating gracefully to the tune. Never mind if there are no audience. Just me giving expression to the music is reward enough. I told God before I went to bed last night that I want to be able to skate like that when I get to Heaven, just for him.

I did not have much exposure to music or dance when I was young. Neither was there much opportunity to pick-up these skills. We live a very ordinary life. The culture where I grew up in prizes practicality above arts. Music and the arts were considered a luxury meant more for the upper class. I am not ashamed of my childhood. My parents gave the best they could and I honor them for it. Besides, I suspect I might not have the inner gifting for it either. It is quite a thrill to me that I am learning to play the guitar now, the only thing I could afford in terms of time and money. And it is the first time I learn how to read music notes! I have in mind to enrol myself in a dance class sometime in the future too.

The Princess Classics is the best Disney On Ice production I've seen so far. Perhaps like most girls, I am a princess at heart. I love the set (complete with fireworks and castle), the costumes, the songs, the choreography....everything. There were a few similar performances from previous shows but there are a lot more new ones. Definitely a feast to the eyes and ears. Watch out for the Mulan segment. It's superb. And the choreography for the 5 princesses was truly divine.

I will reveal more of my other secret dreams sometime soon. Meanwhile, you can find me skating in La La Land.

rk

The First Time

2006-03-16T06:30:00.000+08:00

I have always been intrigued by this U2 song. I couldn't quite figure out the meaning of it. I know it has sometimg to do with God but I still don't get the whole message, especially the last bit about leaving by the back door and throwing away the keys. Today I decided to google it to see if I can find any clue. And this was what I found.

This song is most likely a beautiful way of reflecting on the Holy Trinity. It speaks of the different gifts or each member of the Trinity. Lover=Holy Spirit, Brother=Jesus, Father= Father God. And the final reminder of what the Father is trying to give and how apt we are to refuse it. This solves the last part for me. Beautiful.

The First Time by U2

I have a lover
A lover like no other
She got soul, soul, soul, sweet soul
And she teach me how to sing
Shows me colours when there's none to see
Gives me hope when I can't believe
That for the first time
I feel love

I have a brother
When I'm a brother in need
I spend my whole time running
He spends his running after me
When I feel myself going down
I just call and he comes around
But for the first time
I feel love

My father is a rich man
He wears a rich man's cloak
Gave me the keys to his kingdom coming
Gave me a cup of gold
He said I have many mansions
And there are many rooms to see
But I left by the back door
And I threw away the key
And I threw away the key
Yeah, I threw away the key
Yeah, I threw away the key

For the first time
For the first time
For the first time

rk

Between Two Lanes

2006-03-15T11:42:00.000+08:00

Alright folks, pity party is over. Enough lamentations. My blog entries the past month have been depressing. I am getting sick of it myself.

There have been a little misunderstanding too. There are some who thought all those depressing posts were about my marriage issues. They are wrong. It only make up less than 5% or my entire blog so far. Another group of people thought my life is mostly dark and gloomy. Wrong as well. Life is not a one way road where there are ups and downs along the way. It's really more like a railway track with 2 lanes. At every point of our journey, there is both good and bad circumstances accompanying us. Sometimes more of one than the other. So even right now as my life seem to suck, there is grace to be found. My problem is I need to adjust my lens to be able to see beauty in the midst of the pain. I have forgotten to actively and consciously look for beauty because I have been busy looking at the other lane. One of the problem with writing an on-line journal is that we tend to write more when we're down than when we're happy. It's no wonder people think we're depressed all the time.

Last night I had chest pains while in my sleep. Darn! Why must it always happen in the middle of the night? I don't own a car and trying to get a cab at 3am doesn't sound appealing. An ambulance would be too dramatic. Besides, I've got a date with my 5 year old to watch Disney On Ice tonight. That little darling has been looking forward to it for months. And 2 days from now I'll be taking my guitar exam. I simply can't afford to be hospitalized, which I am quite certain I will be if I admit myself into the A&E with a heart attack! But I promise to get myself referred to a specialist after the exam. It's my second such incident and I don't want to sit on it cos the first time it happened, I almost collapse. But it has to be after the exam. So why am I telling you this? Because, my dear readers, I felt God is prompting me to quit wallowing in self pity cos He has a lot more in store for me and I know He would want me to write about them. And of course he is also saying - GET YOURSELF A CHECK UP!

So folks, from now on, I'll try to write from both lanes. Gotta be fair.

rk

Mourning the Loss

2006-03-08T17:01:00.000+08:00

On my own, but mostly the savannah,
Where the tumbleweeds fade away and die,
Before the glassy sun burns a summer of crystals,
The glistering waters of the high seas
A place as far as of where vultures roam.

I looked around but you weren't anywhere...
I used to think we were immortal,
What we had would never die.
Like rings on an old cedar,
Stronger and wider with age
Time was a friend.

Now the sea is wild with despair,
Deep blue like a prairie of flowers blue.
I saw you at the end,
You and I, as near as the breath upon our faces,
Before death in fancy costume led you away.

Eyes once sparkle with hope now full of tears,
Bitterly falling one after another into a river,
Then the river of life turned red in blood.
I watched in horror.

You disappeared without saying good-bye,
Not a word came out of your mouth.
You became like desolation in its grave.
When once the skies were a realm of stars
And the sun shone brightly in summer skies,
You were there to share the calmness;

But now I stand here in midst of the tall grass
And only the savannah remains.

(Adapted from an original poem by Artur Hawkwing. Picture from PBase Galleries)

rk

Of Healing Touch and Freaks

2006-03-07T17:24:00.000+08:00

A friend of mine mentioned a promo she was transcribing on "healing touch" and it mentioned how human touch helps communicate emotions. Hugs and embraces are a part of western culture. I have always had the impression that westerners are very warm people; generous and open with their affections. Asians on the other hand, especially the older generations, are more reserved and less expressive when it comes to touch. Thankfully that is changing.

I remember the first time someone laid her hands on me. It was to pray. I was a nonbeliever then and she was a lady I hardly know. I cringe at the touch of her hand resting gently on my shoulder but at the same time the feeling of God's embrace was very real. I am not sure if it was the touch or the prayer that broke through my hardened heart. Most likely it was both. Ever since then I began to consider the value of touch and how much God uses it to communicate his love and care.

Ironically this healing act has also caused me much distress. You see, I have a problem with physical touch. It always produces mixed reaction in me. On one hand, I crave the intimacy and assurance physical touch communicates but at the same time I feel this....this.... violation of personal space. The only people I am able to give and receive embrace freely are my children. Most of my close friends are already aware of my handicap by now. So they keep their arms to themselves most times and try to express their emotions in other ways. Sometimes it gets pretty hilarious when they try to give me a bear hug and I would put my hand up and shake my head in protest. Or when someone, unaware of my condition, freaks me out with their unexpected embrace. But that aside, this condition really bothers me. Do you know how it feels like not being able to comfort and reassure a friend when they are hurting or having a bad day? Or not being able to share their joy in ways beyond a spoken "Congratulations!"? Deep in your heart you wish you could just break through that barrier and express your love and solidarity with them with a simple I touch of the hand, a warm bear hug or an arm placed protectively and lovingly around their shoulders? I'll tell you how it feels. It feels like you're a freak....useless.... deficient.

I still could not figure out the cause of this condition. Cultural background? Family upbringing? A result of rejection? Fear of vulnerability? After all, not allowing others into your personal space protects you from getting hurt.

rk

Moving On

2006-03-03T17:41:00.000+08:00

"How've you been?" a friend decided to check on me yesterday.

"Why do you ask?"

"Cos I've just read you blog"

"Oh I see..."

I contemplated for a while.

"Well....pretty screwed I guess.......but life goes on"

For some strange reason, although our conversation was brief and nothing much was said besides that which was already up on the blog, I felt renewed strength to move on. Perhaps it comes from a sense of knowing that those struggles have been acknowleged, that gave me the release to move on, regardless of whether my condition improves. From this experience I learned that we can be an agent of God's grace when we acknowledge one anothers pain. No need for further probing or words of wisdom.

rk

Defination Of A Church

2006-03-03T11:30:00.000+08:00

This is the best defination of church I've come accross so far.

"Let me tell you what church is supposed to be. It is supposed to be a community of friends who have walked together through the good times and the hard times of life so that their shared history is more powerful than their differences. It is a gathering of spiritual seekers who do not demand exact conformity in every doctrine, but acknowledge a shared commitment to Christ and fidelity in living. There is real trust and love. Mistakes are made and people are forgiven. And you feel safe. Safe enough to laugh or cry. Safe enough even to ......." - Ash Wednesday, by rlp.

I Need Strength, Not Knowledge

2006-02-28T14:14:00.000+08:00

I think I'm going insane. And I can't seem to be able to shake myself out of it. My emotions swing from one extreme to the other for reasons that are really stupid. There are a lot of voices in my head. Conflicting voices. One moment I find myself doing things I have no good reason to. It's almost like I'm on auto pilot. And then voices will shout at me to stop and I'd go, why the heck did I do that for? And there'll be the other voices trying to justify my actions and they'll all be screaming at each other while I get lost in this civil war.....not knowing what to say or think. My emotions rises and falls depending on which party wins. Holding a normal conversation without all these conflicting voices springing up out of the blue is challenging. Every word that enters my consciousness is amplified 5 times, triggering either sadness, joy or paranoia. Every time I'll tell myself I've got to snap out of it. But it keeps coming back. Sometimes the sight of certain things and people bring me to tears. Sometimes they trigger fear, loneliness, confusion.

The bright side to this is that I know what causes these symptoms. So I know how to avoid them to a certain extent. The bad news is that not only am I powerless to do so but instead, I keep running into them on purpose. It's like I'm addicted to misery. I do certain things with the full knowledge that I'd hurt myself in return. It's driving me crazy. Sucking the very life out of me. Sometimes I can't help feeling like I'm going backwards.

I do not need to know how to stop myself, I need to have the strength to do so.

rk

Addicted

2006-02-27T11:33:00.000+08:00

I'm currently listening to Kelly Clarkson's grammy worthy album, Breakaway. It's scarry how so many songs in the album seems to speak to me. Addicted is one of them.

It’s like you’re a drug
It’s like you’re a demon I can’t face down
It’s like I’m stuck
It’s like I’m running from you all the time
And I know I let
You have all the power
It’s like the only company I seek
Is misery all around

It’s like you’re a leach
Sucking the life from me
It’s like I can’t breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you
Have all the power
And I realize I’m never gonna
Quit you over time

It’s like I can’t breathe
It’s like I can’t see anything
Nothing but you
I’m addicted to you
It’s like I can’t think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You’ve taken over me
It’s like I’m not me

It’s like I’m lost
It’s like I’m giving up slowly
It’s like you’re a ghost
That’s haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in
My head are mine alone
And I know I’ll never change my ways
If I don’t give you up now

I’m hooked on you
I need a fix, I can’t take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I’ll handle it, quit it
Just one more time, then that’s it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

rk

Hear Me

2006-02-22T23:31:00.000+08:00

I am feeling low today. Depressed. There is a lot in my heart needing to be released and I wish I could do it here but even that is not possible now. With my husband just across the room, I'll never be able to have that private time again, to grieve.... to cry.... to just be. I remember how it was when I was a young mother, lonely, frustrated and deeply depressed. I remember wishing I could just drink myself to sleep some days. But I could not. Not with my child sleeping next to me, needing me when he wakes in the middle of the night. Parental responsibility forced me to stay sober. What else could I do but to push everything down, jumping on the lid to make sure it was good and shut. I needed to be strong for my son.

Now 10 years on and another child later, some things have changed. God is in my life now. Besides a troubled marriage and the pressures of child rearing, there are now other issues I struggle with. Some of it comes because I choose to follow God. There are still times I feel lonely, misunderstood. I still drink occasionally, like now. Though not in such self-destructive ways as I did before.

Father, if it's true as pastor says, as your word says, even a groan will reach your throne, then Father I do not have words to offer you tonight, not even tears. Will you accept silence as prayer? I hope you do because that's all I have.

rk

Because Of You

2006-02-20T12:51:00.000+08:00

I find this song hauntingly close to heart. For a long time I didn't know I had shut the door to my heart. I toughen myself to the point that I was all self-sufficient. I was proud, proud of myself for being "strong". I thought part of being strong is not be able to hurt again. Not until recent years did I realize I have been living a crippled life, neither having the ability to love without fear nor knowing how to receive love. I guess when we are dead, we do not know it. It took years for God to peel away layers of self-defense, skepticism and cynicism. Through his love I slowly begin to live. There even came a point where I was subconciously looking for people to love, to pour my heart, to share my life with.

I wish I could say that all is well from then on.... but it's not. There have been times my heart was trampled on and treated with disregard. The sting of rejection and shame of insignificance intensifies with each careless word, forgotten promises and general attitude of indifference. Each time, I wanted to withdraw and shut myself in. Each time the layers form. It's an experience all of us can identify with. Love, acceptance, friendship will not be coerced. When we extend our heart and share our life, there is never a guarantee, except of God, that it will not be be spurned. Even Jesus knows rejection. Since the beginning of time God's love has been trampled on and spat upon by his own creation. When Jesus traded his crown of glory for a crown of thorns, do you think he was received with gratitude? But it does not stop him from coming anyway. Even if there is only one soul in the entire human race who will accept his love, he considers it worth it. I think God is insane!

For all of you whose heart has been broken, here's a song for you. But I hope, for you as much as for me, we will not let any person or past experience cause our heart to harden. It does not mean hanging on to an abusive relationship. It means not allowing it to cripple us.

Because Of You by Kelly Clarkson

I will not make
The same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break
The way you did, you fell so hard
I’ve learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of youI find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you I am afraid

I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh, every day of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
Because of you
Because of you I am afraid

Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt

Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of youI don’t know how to let anyone else in

Because of youI’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you I am afraid

Because of you

rk

Two Different Reactions to Mockery

2006-02-20T11:21:00.000+08:00

Today's headlines reads,
Deadliest cartoon riots leave 16 dead: Nigerian protesters torch 15 churches; most of the dead are said to be Christians.

Firstly, I'm puzzled. What has the cartoons got to do with Christians? Why were they targetted? Europe does not equate Christians. And so does America and the rest of the western world.

As I was reading this, I recalled an article shared by Jennifer earlier this month at her blogsite, Up From Here. With news of fresh violence, the article's message would stand out all the more. So I am sharing it here with you. Also, let it be known that I do not believe all muslims react in similar fashion. I have personally known many peace-loving muslim friends who condems such acts of violence.

February 8th, 2006
Being Mocked: The essense of Christ's Work, Not Muhammed's
by John Piper

What we saw this past week in the Islamic demonstrations over the Danish cartoons of Muhammad was another vivid depiction of the difference between Muhammad and Christ, and what it means to follow each. Not all Muslims approve the violence. But a deep lesson remains: The work of Muhammad is based on being honored and the work of Christ is based on being insulted. This produces two very different reactions to mockery.

If Christ had not been insulted, there would be no salvation. This was his saving work: to be insulted and die to rescue sinners from the wrath of God. Already in the Psalms the path of mockery was promised: “All who see me mock me; they make mouths at me; they wag their heads” (Psalm 22:7). “He was despised and rejected by men . . . as one from whom men hide their faces . . . and we esteemed him not” (Isaiah 53:3).

When it actually happened it was worse than expected. “They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him, and twisting together a crown of thorns, they put it on his head. . . . And kneeling before him, they mocked him, saying, ‘Hail, King of the Jews!’ And they spit on him” (Matthew 27:28-30). His response to all this was patient endurance. This was the work he came to do. “Like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he opened not his mouth” (Isaiah 53:7).

This was not true of Muhammad. And Muslims do not believe it is true of Jesus. Most Muslims have been taught that Jesus was not crucified. One Sunni Muslim writes, “Muslims believe that Allah saved the Messiah from the ignominy of crucifixion.” Another adds, “We honor [Jesus] more than you [Christians] do. . . . We refuse to believe that God would permit him to suffer death on the cross.” An essential Muslim impulse is to avoid the “ignominy” of the cross.

That’s the most basic difference between Christ and Muhammad and between a Muslim and a follower of Christ. For Christ, enduring the mockery of the cross was the essence of his mission. And for a true follower of Christ enduring suffering patiently for the glory of Christ is the essence of obedience. “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account” (Matthew 5:11). During his life on earth Jesus was called a bastard (John 8:41), a drunkard (Matthew 11:19), a blasphemer (Matthew 26:65), a devil (Matthew 10:25); and he promised his followers the same: “If they have called the master of the house Beelzebul, how much more will they malign those of his household” (Matthew 10:25).

The caricature and mockery of Christ has continued to this day. Martin Scorsese portrayed Jesus in The Last Temptation of Christ as wracked with doubt and beset with sexual lust. Andres Serrano was funded by the National Endowment for the Arts to portray Jesus on a cross sunk in a bottle of urine. The Da Vinci Code portrays Jesus as a mere mortal who married and fathered children.

How should his followers respond? On the one hand, we are grieved and angered. On the other hand, we identify with Christ, and embrace his suffering, and rejoice in our afflictions, and say with the apostle Paul that vengeance belongs to the Lord, let us love our enemies and win them with the gospel. If Christ did his work by being insulted, we must do ours likewise.

When Muhammad was portrayed in twelve cartoons in the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten, the uproar across the Muslim world was intense and sometimes violent. Flags were burned, embassies were torched, and at least one Christian church was stoned. The cartoonists went into hiding in fear for their lives, like Salman Rushdie before them. What does this mean?

It means that a religion with no insulted Savior will not endure insults to win the scoffers. It means that this religion is destined to bear the impossible load of upholding the honor of one who did not die and rise again to make that possible. It means that Jesus Christ is still the only hope of peace with God and peace with man. And it means that his followers must be willing to “share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death” (Philippians 3:10).

This article first appeared on John Piper's website, Desiring God.

rk

Breathing Humanity Into Brokeback

2006-02-14T17:37:00.000+08:00

I thought this is a rather insightful commentary on the controversial Brokeback Mountain and would like to share it here with you.

Breathing Humanity Into Brokeback by Chad Thompson.

If you want to know more about Chad and his work you may want to visit his blog and website.

rk

Lost In Translation?

2006-02-14T11:46:00.000+08:00

I've attempted to read the work of Thomas Kempis' Imitation Of Christ twice but could barely move beyond a few chapters each time. This is supposed to be a well loved classic Christian literature by a medieval monk. The modern translation is easy to read and understand. I have no problem with that. My problem is the relational part. I can't seem to be able to relate to it somehow. Maybe because it was written primarily for monks living in monasteries. Maybe some of it's magic was lost in translation. Maybe because of the way it was written. Maybe because it was written my a mystic. Maybe because it's too philosophical. Maybe because I tried to read it like any other book when it was meant to be read as a daily devotional. Maybe because I am expecting too much.

So I'm putting it back in the shelf for now. I know I'll dip into it again from time to time. The volume of excellent reviews can't be ignored. I know there is something I'm missing. But next time I'll read it like I would Oswald Chamber's My Utmost For His Highest - one numbered passage at a time.

For now, I think I'll go pick up Philip Yancey's The Jesus I Never Knew. It left a deep impression on me when I first read it as a young Believer. I wonder what will I take away this time.

rk

What's Our Excuse?

2006-02-08T12:18:00.000+08:00

Bono, at the recent National Prayer Breakfast described a 2002 visit to Soweto, South Africa, where he talked with a young widower trying to decide whether to keep his life-saving AIDS drugs for himself or give them to the woman he had come to love.

"He said, 'I can give her my drugs and my children can lose their last parent, or we can share the drugs and both die slowly, or I can keep the drugs and lose, for the second time, my love,' Bono recalled. "I stood there thinking, This is barbaric. This is actually barbaric."

And imploring an audience of 3000 to response to the United States's urgent responsibility to help "the least of these",

"Imagine a so called Christian society with absolute capability to save lives in africa that fails to act. You can explain that to the budget appropriators, but you can't explain it to god. He will not accept that excuse, and history won't."

Click here for the rest of his inspiring message.

Bono. The man for the hour.

rk

"You are a Human Being First"

2006-02-07T15:22:00.000+08:00

"Cherish you human connections, your relationships with freinds and family. For several years, you've had impressed upon you the importance to your career of dedication and hard work. This is true but as important as your obligations as a doctor, lawyer, or business leader will be, you are a human being first and those human connections - with spouses, with children, with friends - are the most important investments you will ever make.

At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict, or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child, or a parent."

- Barbara Bush, in her commencement address at Wellesley College's graduation ceremony in 1990.

rk

Are We Playing Devil's Advocate?

2006-01-26T13:29:00.000+08:00

A friend of mine was at the Expo train station over the weekends on her way to her office, a 10 mins walk away. I received her feedback the next day.

"....it's so disgusting. The place is so packed. Worse than normal rush hour traffic. How annoying. And those people look like they're trying to compete with each other. The way they dress I mean. That's not the way to dress for church." she complains, shaking her head in disapproval.

Two of Singapore's largest churches have relocated their main services to the Singapore Expo Halls due to lack of space in their own premises. As a result, human traffic has increased 10 fold every Sunday at the, otherwise quiet, Expo vicinity.

I was somewhat disappointed with her observation and remark. Although I am not from these churches, they are nevertheless part of my spiritual family and so I naturally feel the sting when someone passes judgement on them. It's sort of like a protective reflex members of a family possess. I know among this huge crowd and dressy individuals, are people of integrity, love and grace, whose main desire and purpose for being there is to praise and worship God. They might not fit our idea of what a religious person should look like but that does not make them any less spiritual or devoted. Being religious does not equate devotion. You can dress the part without a care for God and the things of God. What is more vital is the fruit that a person bears. And that is something we can't know till we know their heart. Certainly not by judging from their outward appearances. I do not deny there are some within that group, or any congregation for that matter, that dishonors the name of the God they serve. It is unfortunate and unfair that the entire church had to bear the shame. It could be out of ignorance that we judge people this way. As a nonbeliever, my friend might not have understood the ways of God - that God does not accept us based on externals, that the only reason these people could be part of His family is by His grace, and that His family are made up of all sorts of people at different stages of spiritual development. To an outsider, they can be an unruly and spoilt brood. But God loves them nonetheless and continues to receive them just as they are. In time, His love will transform them. So I can understand where my friend is coming from and thus be able to excuse her.

But what happens when a member of our family betrays us? I had been foolish to share my friend's observation with a fellow believer of a different church, thinking she'd understand how I feel being from the same spiritual family. But this was her response. I've paraphrased them for the sake of those not familiar with the Singapore lingo.

"...but of course, it's a well known fact that your church people are all very hiao (a crude word for vain in dialect)," she said, self-satisfied.

I was shocked and hurt. I didn't expect her to be so careless with her words and so severe in her judgement. I reminded her that I am not from these churches but I am nevertheless bothered when people talk bad about them. Her next response was just as swift.

".....oh please, New Creation (my church) people are just as hiao."

At that point I know I should have kept my mouth shut. In the same breath that she judges my immediate spiritual family, she told me not to take my friends comments to heart for it was out of ignorance and not intention. Does that make hers intentional then, since she can't claim ignorance? I felt betrayed. Misunderstood. Hurt. If criticism is needed, then let it be constructive and motivated by love. Not in blatant, self-righteous fashion that does nothing but deepen the division of the church. What God plans to do in another person's life, and how that other person lives out God's plan, is the business only of God and the other person. We are to encourage and help others as they fulfill God's purpose in their lives, but we are not the creator, originator, manipulator, or policeman of that plan and purpose. God is fully capable of dealing with each person individually. If we do not stop the "my church is my church, yours is yours" mentality and start seeing all of us as one body of Christ, we'd not only grieve the Lord, who is the head of the universal church, but also play right into the Devil's schemes - that is to cause division within the body of Christ. As a family, we should standby one another. The church is to be a place of acceptance - not acceptance of sin, but certainly acceptance of sinners. It is be a place where a person can be appreciated for being a child of God and a special creation of God.

It is common for fallen human nature to stereotype and judge. All of us are guilty of it. But it has to stop, especially for those who have known and receive the grace of God. The greatest tragedy in all this is not only that we become blind to our own faults as we're too busy throwing stones - but also that God is made invincible, to believers as well as the world.

And the Devil and his minions will be celebrating in Hell.

rk

The Day I looked Deception In It's Face

2006-01-11T23:03:00.000+08:00

Today I looked Deception in it's face. I stared long and hard at it, refusing to budge when everything in me wanted to close the door to shut out it's horrendous image. My Friend, my dearest and truest friend, had held the door open so I may take a good look at it. He had brought me to this door many times over the recent years but each time I would shut it as soon as I glimpsed it's rotting flesh. How could this be? The Deception I knew was handsome and charming, altogether lovely to behold. This couldn't be. I saw the sorrow in my Friend's eyes.

But yesterday, he held the door long enough for Reality to step in. I hung my head, knowing what lies ahead. Lovingly and gently, my Friend stretched forth his hand and lifted my head towards Deception. With a heavy heart I let the nauseating vision fill my consciousness. When I couldn't take it anymore and my heart dripped with sorrow, I turned to my Friend.

But he did not say a word.

He cupped my face in his hands and looked me in the eye..........and smiled the most tender and reassuring smile. I wanted to tell him how sorry I am to have betrayed him, to have allowed Deception to bring me to the chambers of Fantasy and Escape. But Reality has caught up with me and now I see. I took one last look at Deception.......... and walked away.......hand in hand with my Friend, my first love.

rk

Imagine The Wedding, Not The Funeral

2006-01-10T22:34:00.000+08:00

I have just finished Godsight by Lael Arrington and would like to share a story she told at the last chapter that has challenged the way I feel about death. I did not expect this book to speak about death when I first picked it up. The timing was spot on.

The elevator doors closed, and Tracy stepped toward the rear glass wall to take in the ascending view. Beyond the parking lots, grounds crews clipped hedges and blew off sidewalks around the medical office buildings. Farther out, the blinking lure of fast food restaurants hooked a steady flow of customers. Even from this moving height, the buckets of blossoms in front of the wholesale flower shops popped in brilliant oranges, pinks and reds. On the ninth floor the doors opened, and Tracy turned from all the hustle and color of living to the white quiet of dying.

She knocked softly at the open door of room 906. "Jessica?"

The face slowly turned toward the door and looked at her with hooded eyes and parted lips.

"How's the pain, Jess?" Tracy touched the smooth scalp that used to be covered by the glory of Jessica's auburn mane.

"It's there, but it feels far away right now. Sometimes when the morphine can't keep up, it gets....close."

Tracy smiled into eyes losing the little burn of life. When Jessica had first told her, "Cancer," she had shaken her head in disbelief. "You're strong. You'll make it." The doctors had unleashed their weapons of chemical warfare, and now, six months later, it was hard to tell which had taken a greater toll, disease or poison.

Tracy wondered how anyone could think of death as just "one more turn in the circle of life." Death was an enemy. This room was a war zone where, by God's grace, all who entered had to face down the fear and love their way past it.

The two women caught up on a few days' worth of kids and work and meds and test results since Tracy last visited. After fifteen minutes Jessica's sentences became shorter, and she asked no more questions. Tracy wondered if she should go. Jessica motioned her closer.

"I don't want you to go."

"I'm not going."

"Tracy, I want you to talk to me about heaven. And I want to lie here and listen." She surveyed the whirring, dripping machines. "I'm past the point of denial."

Tracy took Jessica's hand in hers and dropped her head. "Jess, I don't know how or where to begin. I've answered so many questions in the classes I've taught, but.....this is so real." She paused until she could speak again. "Although so is heaven. I feel like we're standing outside the door. Inside the bridegroom is waiting, and music has begun...."

"Yes, I want to imagine the wedding. Not the funeral."

rk

When Death Threatens

2006-01-04T23:00:00.000+08:00

Have you ever considered death a reality that can happen at any moment? Not when you're old and grey or even in the near future but NOW, before the day is over. All of us knows death is the only sure thing this side of heaven. But most of us don't give much thought to it at the prime of our youth unless we are terminally ill.

Last night I was jolted out of the security of my little world where time is hardly an issue and death an idea still too far away to grasp. The lady at Starbucks made my Mocha Valencia a little too strong. The effect was swift and vicious. In a matter of minutes I was feeling funny. My limbs went weak and trembly and there was a strange sensation creeping through my body and unto my head making me nervous and dizzy all at once. Before long, my neck starts to feel stiff and my heart extremely vulnerable. These symptoms are not new to me. They usually come after an episode of erratic heart rhythm. How that happens in the first place, I do not know. I've had it since my late teens. It comes without warning. And goes just as suddenly. Sometimes an attack last for just 10 mins but on worse days it could stretch for 24hrs or more. At the onset of an attack my heart would be beating at break neck speed and so hard you can see my shirt "beating" if you were standing beside. If it continues for longer than a few hours, the violent pumping would slowly fade to a soft flapping like those of feathers, so shallow I can hardly feel it if I were to press my palm against my chest. This is what I call the twilight stage, a rather serious stage, cos I'd start to break out in cold sweat, become breathless and weighed down with fatigue. I'd fall gravely silent, wanting to lie down and be left alone and not do anything else cos it'd be too much to even talk.

As I lay on my bed with all these sensations, I began to think of death. I once had a sudden and severe attck in the middle of the night accompanied by chest pains and almost called for an ambulance. Looking back I think it could have been a heart attack. I was afraid it might happen again last night. And what if it's critical this time? The more I think of that possibility the more fear had me. It got me started thinking about a lot of things. There are a thousand and one thing my family will be have to sort out and deal with. Death is messy business. My kids will be forced to grow up quickly before they have tasted childhood to the fullest. And it is true as they have always said, that nothing else will be as important to you as the people whose life has mingled with yours. It wakes you up to what really matters.

For the first time, I was really afraid. Everything that I know about the Christian afterlife flew out the window. Although I was more afraid of how it would affect my kids and my family than the fear of death itself, I did feel a certain curiosity and apprehension towards death I've never felt before. Sometimes we know all the facts only in our head. I know I'll be in a better place after death and my children's future will be in God's hand. In theory, I have nothing to fear...... but somehow I still do. Perhaps because I've never taken death seriously and therefore, not psychologically prepared. No Lord, I'm not ready to go. I want to live a long good life and see my children grow up, I whispered in prayer.

As minutes turned into hours, I decided to draw out a book of Bible promises from my bookshelf and search for the word "fear". I came to Psalm 91: 4-6 - the psalm of protection.

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday."

I kept it running through my consiousness over and over again. Just then I remembered a song my church has written on the same psalm. I love that song. It always stirs up faith in me. Without hesitation, I pulled out my iPod, set it on repeat and let it run till I fall asleep. It alleviated my fears by keeping things in divine perspective. Fear always throws us out of balance. I experienced a deeper appreciation and gratitude for my salvation that night. I can't imagine what fear would be like without knowing if I'll be save in God's arms after death and that my children's destiny are in His loving hands. Nothing could be more comforting than knowing that my destiny and the destiny of my children are not in the hands of fate but in the hands of a loving God. Without this assurance, death would be so much more formidable. When I thank God for His gift of salvation last night, I meant it from the depth of my soul.

rk

Psalm 91 (by New Creation Church)

2005 In Focus

2005-12-31T23:59:00.000+08:00

It's that time of the year again for reflection and thanksgiving for everything that have made an impact in my life this year as the year draws to a close.

It has been a year of discovery for me. God has revealed certain things about myself and others and what it means to keep trusting Him regardless of what I discover. As a result I discovered a little more of God that I have not known through experience. If last year I was on an extraordinary high, this year is then, a year where the bubbles on the champagne are slowly settling and I find myself trying to live out the ordinary life with faith. A wise man once said, "Never make a decision when you're high in the sky or down in the dumps". For me it would be more befitting to say, "Never decide if something is of God's will when you're high in the sky or down in the dumps". Don't presume to know God's will too quickly. But as always, I will continue to believe that "......EVERYTHING work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose".

Here's my list for 2005

Music/Songs Of The Year.....

You Raise Me Up - Selah
It expresses beautifully of how God has been and still is the pillar of my strength and hope.

Imagine Me Without You - Jaci Velasquez
The words say it all. ".....because of You, my life is now worthwhile"

Others worth mentioning
Once Again - Matt Redman/ Home - Michael Blube/ Fairytale - Guang Liang/ and several Jay Chou numbers

Films Of The Year.....
(incidentally, both carry a picture of redemption)

Hotel Rwanda
You may read my review here.

Narnia: Lion, Witch and Wardrobe
A remarkable Christian allegory that can be understood and appreciated by the young and old alike.

Books Of The Year.....

The Journey of Desire - John Eldredge
I am just as inspired and moved as I was with his other work, which were also in my list for last year's Books of The Year. Read my review here.

Realivepreacher.com
It was gift from a friend and one which I've always wanted to read cos it's by one of my favorite writer and blogger, rlp. It's a collection of short essays. Simple and honest, yet profound. Spiritual but not religious. You'll love it.

Women Who Love Too Much
It came as a ray of light in the middle of a battle that was plunging deeper into darkness. Though some parts of it were painful to read, it has provided clarity to some confusion and awaken me to a healthier way of loving.

Events Of The Year.....

Husband's conversion
His conversion came as a big surprise. Unfortunately after several months of spiritual high, he seem to have withdrawn. I am in no position to judge what went wrong or if he has indeed given up. If he really has, I'd think that's because he has not really known Jesus, because once you do, you'll never leave. Starting a race is easier than finishing it. I hope he will finish the race. As for me, there is no turning back.

Encounters with SSA (same-sex-attraction)
One thing that stands out clearly this year is the many encounters I've had with SSA. God has brought numerous people across my path who are dealing with SSA. Some are already in a relationship while some are still trying to fight it. Getting to know them better has given me a better understanding. Whatever our stand is on this, I'd say there is one response I know God will always approve - love them. Loving takes precedence over judgment. It does not mean approval but it will help us see them the way God sees them.

People Of The Year.....

Ashlee
The life and death of this little girl as told by her mother in a letter shortly after her death has been an inspiration to me. Even terminal disease cannot conceal the glory of God, as demonstrated through the childlike faith of this young girl.

Steve
It is predominantly through Steve that I've had a good look into the heart and mind of someone struggling with SSA. His honesty and transparency opened doors to dialogue motivated by love and not condemnation. He has not merely given me a better understanding of his struggle but also helped me see these people as real people with dreams, fears and needs just like all of us. He does not conceal his failures and weaknesses and is willing to make himself vulnerable. It has been a great blessing indeed to have crossed path with him through his journal.

dc
You may read about how she has touched my life here.

Nell
If I were to write about how much she means to me and the way she has affected my life, it would fill pages and pages. No sensible blogger would do that. There are certain things meant to be written and treasured in our heart alone.

Sermons Of The Year.....

The life and death of Ashlee
Although I have never met Ashlee, the story of her life makes for one great sermon this year. Here is one of the most memorable part (written in the words of her mother);

"It must have been scary for you to loose your functions slowly. Why is it that you were never angry or upset? How can you fervently believe in the infinite goodness of a God you have never met even when you can't do all the things you have always loved anymore?

Mummy can guess why.

Because you didn't have to see God to believe. Because you know that God loves you much much more than anyone can ever love you. Because you understood that there is nothing much to fret about if we keep our eyes on Jesus. Because you have an indomitable spirit, sustained by your unequivocal belief that your Creator is good and will only want the best plan for you. Because you know that a short life does not equate a lesser one, if one chooses to live it fully and embrace all that it has to offer. Because you are an angel and has come to touch us with your amazing grace and teach us about God's love, that we should love because He first loved us."

Steve's story
Steve's story is to me, a sermon on preserverence and hope. The way he kept holding on to the last thread of hope, God himself, in the midst of his struggles is a great encouragement. As you read his blog, you'll see times when he is at the brink of giving up. Some of his entries are filled with lamentations. But if you're patient enough to follow him in his journey, you'll find him slowly and painfully crawling back to his Savior, grabbing and holding on to the faintest of light that he sees in the darkness of his aching heart. Steven, this race will not last forever. Hope to see you there when it's all over. A big feast awaits us.

Blog Of The Year.....

Waiter Rant
This is one blog that never fails to keep me entertained. Whether I'm feeling depressed, happy or just plain bored, I'm sure to get something out of it somehow.

Lesson of The Year.....

Never decide if something is of God's will when we're high in the sky or down in the dumps. There are many routes God can use to accomplish his purpose. Trust him to use whichever he thinks is best. Do not be quick to judge if the route you're on is in line with His will. None of us wants to end up on the wrong side of the road but we still do sometimes, knowingly or not. But God allows U-turn. Trust Him to lead you out. I don't know about you but most of the time, if not all, I really DO NOT know if I'm on the right track. Only when we know exactly where our destination is, it's quite impossible to know if we're going the right way. All I know is that whatever or wherever God is leading us to, it'll be good. That's about all I know. Although that's not gonna help with the direction, at least I'll know whatever happens, in the end I'll end up somewhere good because Jesus knows both the destination and the best way to get there. Best does not always mean quick and easy. That, we all know by now. What then? I'd say follow the best we can and trust the Holy Spirit to do His job.

Others.....

Videoblog and Audioblog
They add variety to my blog.

rk

2004 In Focus

Of Not Having the Answers To Everything

2005-12-27T23:23:00.000+08:00

I am going to reveal something real silly today. You will probably laugh. But that's ok. I don't quite understand it myself.

I have been missing someone lately. The funny thing is, this is someone whom I can't say I only had the opportunity to see a couple of times a year. It feels strange being in the presence of a person and feel miles apart at the same time. I know it's not an uncommon thing. It happens even within marriage.....or should I say, especially within marriage?

Ok, this will sound very out-of-place to some of you who knows me and it might make you squirm a little in your seat. But I simply need to let it out. Maybe I should start by asking the question, which person in your life have you missed with such intensity that you feel like a part of you is missing? So much so that there is a certain emptiness without them? At the same time you feel a certain longing. A longing of wanting to know and be known in a very intimate way. Similar to the longing between 2 lovers, yet not quite. There is nothing sexual of lustful about it. To top it off, you feel all these emotions even as you are in their presence. My guess is that most of you would probably name your spouse, lover or someone you had a crush on. You see, the puzzling about thing is that, in my case, it is none of these. It's not even someone new. I know how sometimes a new relationship or friendship can invoke certain passion. It's someone I've known and have shared a degree of closeness with for some time. And it's not like this person has been away geographically. Perhaps it's a reflection of an unfulfilled need. I don't know. I am not a therapist.

But I will not try to figure anything out here. Tried that way before but did not come to any conclusions. I just want to put them in writing for memories sake. Maybe when I am all grey on the head and reads this piece again, I'll perhaps know what it all means. But that's not a priority anymore. Maybe as we grow in years we don't feel the need to have all the answers to everything. Some things come when we're not looking.

rk

Be Still

2005-12-23T23:50:00.000+08:00

Once in a while an old symptom will show it's ugly head. Some days I'll feel fine and everything seems hopeful or at least I feel I've come to a place of submission and acceptance and have learned some spiritual lessons along the way. Then it shows itself, uninvited, and I know the civil war is not over.

The ache still feels as raw as when it first appeared and I am beginnig to doubt if time can really resolve everything. I know every struggle is an opportunity to grow. I hate to say this but knowing it doesn't make it any easier to bear. Sometimes I despair of not getting anywhere - in terms of growing.

Symptoms are pointers to something deeper. They are our body's language of telling us that we are off balance internally. We can suppress the symptoms or mask them and appear healed for a while. But that would be detrimental to our well-being in the long run. Given the right circumstances, the symptoms will return - nastier than before. Sometimes we can be too sick to develop any symptoms at all, so that by the time the disease reaches it's peak, we would be dealing with a crisis.

When God is in our life (this might not be good news to some), we must be prepared to face some old demons lurking in some long forgotten places. That's not a comforting thought. Nobody hopes to discover one day that they have some malignant disease waiting to bear fruit. God is not interested in playing cover-up. This is a God who is willing to do the dirty job of clearing up the tangled mess within. By this, I do not mean our sins. I mean wounds that needed healing. Like Aslan in Narnia, this God is not safe.......but He is good.

I do not know if this symptom is a result of an on-going cleaning job or something else. Whatever it is, it feels awful. That's about all I can say for now. I don't even want to think about how God is using this to achieve some higher purpose. I am going to put theology aside and just be still for a while.

rk

Jesus: The Reason For The Season

2005-12-20T15:26:00.000+08:00

Do you want to see the humility of God? Look in the manger and see him lying there. Surely this is our God. Seeing an infant, I wonder how this could be the one who says, "Do not I fill heaven and earth?" I see a baby wrapped in swaddling clothes. Is this the one who is clothed in the beautiful glory of unapproachable light? Listen! He is crying. Is this the one who thunders in the heaven making the angels lower their wings? Yes, but he has emptied himself in order to fill us. - Guerric of Igny, Liturgical Sermons

This is my favorite season of the year. Unfortunately it is also my busiest, thus taking away some of the joy from the festive mood. With school out I have to think of with ways to keep the children occupied and entertained, which can be a real challenge cos kids these days are not as easily contented as we used to be. Shopping for gifts can also turn out to be more of a chore than a joy when I've got whole list of people on my list. Therefore I've decided to make my list the shortest possible this year. However there is still the Christmas tree and decorations to put up and take down after everything is over. More work. Perhaps I should count the years as a cycle of 7 years and dedicate every seventh year as Sabbath year where I get to celebrate the season without any of these traditions which has no real significance to the real meaning of Christmas. I do not deny they are fun to have and adds to the festive mood. I mean, can you imagine Christmas with no decorated Christmas trees, gifts and goodies and Orchard Road stripped of all the lights and decorations? It'd be - BORING. So I'm not against all these. Perhaps the trick is to let the people who see Christmas as a money-machine get busy with the outward aspect of creating a festive atmosphere while we just soak in the moment and enjoy them with our loved ones in which ever way that communicates the giving of ourselves. If frenzied shopping communicates that for you, go grab your list and wallet and hit the malls. If getting away for a holiday does it, go book a ticket to somewhere. If doing charitable work is the way to give yourself, go on a mission trip or sign up for some humanitarian causes. Whatever we do, if we do them in the spirit of giving and out of love, we would to a certain extent retain some of the original meaning of Christmas.

God in His love, gave Himself for us. Christmas without Christ will never carry the same significance and meaning. Which is why Christmas means different things for different people. All our giving and acts of love, no matter how sincere, will only have a "natural" meaning without Christ. The real Christmas is a supernatural event. Immanuel - God With Us. We can never replicate or emulate that sort of giving. So I'll just bask in God's love this Christmas and let everything else flow out of that. After all, we love because he first loved us.

Here's my all time favorite song for Christmas.

We Are The Reason by Avalon

As little children, we would dream of Christmas morn
And all the gifts and toys we knew we'd find
But we never realized a baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives

We were the reason that He gave his life
We were the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

As the years went by
We learned more about gifts
The giving of ourselves
And what that means

On a dark and cloudy day
A man hung crying in the rain
All because of love
All because of love

We were the reason that He gave his life
We were the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

I've finally found the reason for living
It's in giving every part of my heart to Him
In all that I do every word that I say
I'll be giving my all just for Him, for Him

He is my reason to live

rk

My Church, My Lifeline

2005-11-25T13:00:00.000+08:00

I feel every fiber of my being tested to the max - physically, that is. My weary but restless body is crying out for some relief. I tried moving my limbs and stretching a little - still no relief. I could well have unconsciously let out a moan sometime in between. Is it a sign or ageing? I don't remember my body feeling as tired as I am today. I glanced at my watch. 4:30pm and the pervious service in still not over. Pastor is 15mins overshot and I've been standing on the same spot for almost an hour. If it's not gonna move soon, it would have claimed its first victim. I can imagine the headlines tomorrow - Girl Collapse While Queuing For Church Service. I tried to suppress a giggle. Who has ever heard of queues at church? Churches are half filled most of the time, people think. Yeah....but New Creation at Suntec City is different. We issue seat tickets one service in advance for early birds while the rest of us start forming a queue as early as 1.5 hours before service starts. In the old days, without the ticket system, I heard rumors of a handful of us who would start the queue as early as 3-4 hours in advance! Then there are those who brought their own foldable chair to wait it out. One might think they might as well camp there. Every Sunday the queue draws curious stares from shoppers around the vacinity. They are even more bewildered when they found out what we were queuing for. They probably think we're a bunch of fanatics.

Missing church for whatever reasons other than those not within my control is not an option for me. I can work my other activities around church but never the other way round. I suspect some of my friends think I'm too rigid, not being able to sacrifice church once in a while - though they kept it to themselves. While some others probably think all the singing and listening to the preaching of ancient text is a complete waste of time. What they do not know however is that my church is my lifeline. I don’t know if every Christian feels the same but it is so to me. I need it to make it through each week. To ask me to skip church is the equivalent of sending me on a marathon without food or water, or running my car on an empty tank. Corporate worship is to me what God’s manna was to the Israelites. It is God’s provision for my sustenance. In some miraculous ways, the shackles of burden break and drop to the ground each time we come together in worship and hearing of the Word. I can count with one hand, the number of times I did not emerge out of a service lighter and livelier. I suspect the very act of focusing our heart and mind on God instead of ourselves is already a sort of cleansing in itself. What more with the feeding of God’s love and wisdom. How much you feed on every Sunday will determine how far you can last through the week. But no matter how filled you are, you’ll never get pass the 6 day mark, which is why I think God ordained the sabbath rest for us once a week.

So there you have it. It is not because I am super spiritual that I must go to church every Sunday. It is simply for the selfish reason that I NEED TO BE FED.

4:45pm. We are finally moving! Pastor dear, you're half an hour late.

rk

Explanation - Waiter Style

2005-11-23T23:07:00.000+08:00

It was a slow afternoon at the bistro today. I decided to join the kitchen crew and perhaps catch up on today’s news. The heat from the oven would take the chill away at least. Outside, the temperature was a bitch due to the relentless downpour since yesterday afternoon. I flipped open the papers and began to scan the headlines.

Just then Fernando walked in.

“Hey guys, I am so sorry. I have to cancel on you. Suzanna couldn’t pick the kids up tonight. So I’ll have to be there before 7 and will probably have to baby sit the whole evening” he said apologetically.

We let out a sigh of disappointment. Fernando always makes good company. It’ll be different without him. But that’s the way it has to be. He and his wife have been separated for 2 years and they take turns with the kids.

“No worries. You can join us another time.”

“I can’t believe this is happening!” Marcia our head waitress stormed as she pushed through the kitchen doors. She is due to start her shift in a couple of minutes.

“What’s wrong dearie?”

“How could he be so insensitive?” By he , we know she meant Jason, her current love interest. What could be the problem this time?

“You know how much I’ve been planning for this weekend. Well, he just told me he is not going to make it after all.”

“It happens sometimes dear. Did he say why he can’t make it?”

“He has been called to be on stand-by and they could need him anytime. But that’s not what I’m frustrated about. Emergencies happen. Nothing much he can do about it. So I don’t blame him for that. I’m just upset that it doesn’t seem to bother him that our date is not happening anymore.”

Uh-oh. We all know how Marcia is. As head waitress, she can control her composure to near perfection. So when she looses it, we know she has reached her limits.

“He has this…distant…couldn’t-care-less attitude about the whole thing. He literally shrugs it off and said it was fated!”

We decided it’s best to stay silent and let her vocalize her frustrations. She needed that.

“When I tried to ask if there is any other way we can work around this, he accused me of demanding too much” she said in exasperation. “You know the way he is. He doesn’t like to have to explain himself.”

Oh yes….Jason can be confusing sometimes. He’d expect Marcia to be able to read his mind. No…actually I don’t think he cares if she understands him at all. He just does what he likes and leaves Marcia to figure out the details.

“Marcia darling….you already know how he is like don’t you?”

“Well yes…but that is not an excuse to behave carelessly.”

(in whispers) She is finally getting it.

“I mean, how would you feel if you've made plans with your partner for a weekend getaway and have even changed a few of your own schedules to meet that. Then all of a sudden he comes and tells you he can't make it. If you're a normal person, you'd wanna know why don’t you?

“Uh huh....” we answered in unison.

“You seriously won't just say, "oh…no worries dear" and leave it as that would you? Especially if you've got so much planned and been looking forward to it, even given up some of your other commitments.”

She waited for us to nod our head in identification…….and compassion. I stole a glace at Fernando and we exchanged a knowing smile.

“But all you hear from him is, "I don't have to have a reason why I don't want to do this anymore right? Thought you know me well enough to know that? Just go ahead with you alternative plans darling, if you have any. If not, you'd better make some now while you still have time. Stay cool babe….. learn to be like me. I’m already making mine. I'll probably squeeze in some time to catch up with my mates that day. See, it's that simple. And by the way, I think to make things easier in the future, may I suggest that you always have a back up plan when it comes to me, cos you know me ....everything is "tentative". You know how my work schedule is, don’t you? And sometimes.....I don't know, I just don't feel like it ....or should I say, not in the mood? (that's what "not having a reason" means). But I thought you'd know all these already. Why are you behaving like a martyr now? Nothing is certain with me my dear. If you didn't know it before, know it now. That's the way it is. Take it or leave it. But I assume you'd understand right? I mean, we've been together for so long, you should know that's the way I am. You know the old saying…..old habits die hard. In the future, don't expect me to explain why I can't make it for our dates. I'm not an explanation type of person. It's too tedious. Besides, I've never felt the need to. I just pretty much do what I want frankly."

She paused to catch her breath.

“Now tell me honestly, how would you feel?” she said with indignation, hands on her hip.

I breathe a prayer of thanksgiving. Poor Marcia. She has put up with Jason’s crap for too long.

I've got the perfect answer for her. I pulled it out of the drawer and pushed it across the table to her.

She rolled her eyes, picked it up and turns it over.

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.

(A fictional, waiter-style, conversation based on a real encounter.)

The Story of David and Jonathan

2005-11-10T11:09:00.000+08:00

"There is something divine in deep friendship between men (as in deep friendship between women) that the other sex cannot fully understand or know, a love that can be passionate but not sexual, similar to brotherly or fatherly bond but different. It's a unique relationship, something sacred. The relationship between David and Jonathan in the Bible is an articulate example of this type of brother-love friendship." - The Wicker Chronicles

The story of David and Jonathan - I have wanted to write about it for the longest time because I think it’s speaks of our own longing for intimate friendship. It was a few years ago when I first heard my pastor preached on it. I marveled at the friendship between them. Sacred - is indeed an accurate word. Pastor showed us how this story of intimate friendship reveals Jesus as our covenant friend. It was fascinating to say the least. I was both captivated and intrigued.

I am moved by Jonathan’s unfailing devotion and loyalty to David. He faced a loyalty dilemma with his father, who grew insanely jealous of his son’s friendship with David. Insecure and guilt-ridden over past misdeeds, Saul feared that young David would take away his crown. Although Jonathan tried to stay loyal to both father and friend, his father made it impossible. Soon Jonathan would realize that Saul would kill David if he caught him. Once, in a blind rage, Saul hurled a spear at his own son for standing up for David. As Saul’s son, he stood next in line for the throne. By siding with David, he would ultimately harm himself. Even so, at the risk of his own neck, Jonathan chose to help David escape. He told David he would happily follow his friend as his number-two man. Tragically, the two friends never got the chance to rule together. In a battle against the Philistines, Jonathan fought at his father’s side and was killed. David, mourning his dearest friend, sang a poignant song in tribute. Their loyalty and love make for one of the most beautiful stories of friendship ever told.

“…How the mighty have fallen in battle!
Jonathan lies slain on your heights
I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother
You were very dear to me
Your love for me was wonderful
More wonderful than that of women…”

It has never crossed my mind to question the purity of their friendship. When I first heard or read those accusations, I was both surprised and disturbed. It felt almost like an Adam and Eve moment, when the serpent planted a doubt in them regarding God’s goodness. Isn’t it possible that God is withholding something good from you? Isn’t it possible that what David and Jonathan shared was more than just friendship? Could theirs have been a homosexual relationship? Granted, it wasn’t like any other kind of friendship that we encounter these days. It was something much deeper. But that does not mean it has to be something sexual. So the question now is, are such friendships possible without turning sexual? I believe it is. Although David and Jonathan had a very special bond (they are covenant friends mind you), there is nothing in the Bible that suggests they could be sexually involved with each other. I suspect those who believe otherwise could have missed the context of the story and lack an understanding of covenant relationships. And for the same reason - and also because I do not wish to turn this into some sort of Bible study - I won’t quote verses out of its context here. But you may read the full story for yourself in the first and second book of Samuel in the Bible, particularly 1 Samuel 18-20 and 2 Samuel 1. Perhaps much of it depends on how we interpret inward or outward show of affection in close friendship between the same sexes. Wicker rightly observes,

“Quickly, close friendships between men become suspect, as if men are incapable of supporting friendships with any emotional depth, intimacy or honesty without the relationship becoming sexual. The story of David and Jonathan in the Bible becomes distorted through this lens. Any male closeness is labeled as a sign of homosexuality by the traditional culture and the gay movement. One side is overeager to keep men from "becoming" gay by stopping any "inappropriate" inward or outward show of emotion or affection, and the other is overeager to prove that gay men are everywhere, under every rock and bush. Men who are biologically straight, yet are naturally inclined toward close friendships with other men, are forced to choose: enforce rigid, quasi-Victorian/Puritanical boundaries of emotional distance, or admit to themselves that they are gay or bisexual *only* because they crave the company of other men. This is a great disservice to the entire society. All men should feel free, gay or straight, to enter into friendships with other men that are not pre-judged and pre-determined by hypersexualized, distorted gender stereotypes.”

I believe the David and Jonathan friendship is the sort of friendship God wishes for all of us. Unfortunately some have distorted it – either by pushing the boundaries of such friendship beyond its healthy limits or by pre-judging those who are capable of holding them, by their own perverted thoughts. An important factor that has led to this distortion, I believe, is that we are often confused about our feelings and desires - why we feel a certain way and what they reveal about us? I do not know if many of us ask ourselves these questions or do we just presume someone must be gay or lesbian if they have such feelings. I find the work of John Eldredge particularly helpful in turning our feelings and desires into pathways of understanding our heart. Of course there could be a myriad of other reasons why we could be vulnerable to same-sex attraction. But I have observed and I find true to my own experience that we do not have to act on our feelings and desires if we are not sure what they mean or know that they are contrary to God's ways. We can't control how we feel but we can choose not to act on it. It's not going to be easy but I know it is a wiser choice.

rk

Battle for the Mind

2005-10-24T16:44:00.000+08:00

I am currently reading Bondage Breaker by Neil Armstrong. It has been sitting on my bookshelf for well over a year. I had purchased it because I thought it would help me deal with certain things that I have been struggling with. Finally, after running out of books to read, I decided to pick it up. I've been fore-warned by another author, a medical doctor, that it could be a dangerous book to read because the devil would try to prevent people from reading it. Apparently some of his patients have experienced strange happenings while trying to get started with it. Well, I don't know about that but I'm approaching the last few chapters (without disturbances thus far, thank God!) and I am mid-way through the most important chapter now. This is the part where I can take practical steps to freedom in Christ by verbally renouncing things and boldly taking my authority in Christ against the devil. Do you think the devil will go raving mad and try to stop me? I do sense a certain hesitation about continuing. It's such a lengthy chapter with so many issues to work through that I am not sure if I can make it to the end. Is that the devil trying to dissuade me or am I just being lazy?

I am usually not a fan of self-help books especially those 7 steps to this and 9 steps to that. If only life could be that simple, I thought. Besides, most of the stuff they have to say are what we already know. The problem lies between knowing and doing. Bondage Breaker is somewhat different in the sense that it points us to God's truth and urges us to rely on it for the power to overcome. Although some of the incidents he relates to seems pretty bizarre and has an almost radical bend to it, I can't help but feel this is worth my time somehow. I might not agree with all his orservations and the way he elevates his "freedom sessions" but I can't deny he does have some meat to offer, which I think will be of benefit to me. This is my first book focusing on spiritual warfare and I want to handle it with care because I've heard there are some ideas out there in the charismatic and pentacostal circle that have gone overboard and I don't want to get sucked into that.

The author spent a good 2/3 of the book presenting a convincing case for the reality of the spiritual realm and the even greater reality that we are in a world that is constantly at war. By that, I don't mean wars between nations, tribes and tongues...or even terrorism. I mean war between the forces of darkness and light. And what are they fighting for? The true battle is for our minds it seems. I think a lot of us has forgotten, and I believe some don't even know, that we are at war, whether we choose to or not. There is really no middle ground. We can either rise from our slumber and go into battle with the full armor of God or we can choose to do nothing about it. If we do, we are already defeated. But the most important part is where he establishes the reader in their identity in Christ. That, I think is one of the most powerful weapon.

I examine my life in light of this battle and I can honestly agree that the battle is indeed for our mind. What we think will eventually affect how we live. What we first perceive as a harmless thought can become a reality if we choose to let it sit in our consciousness, turning it over and over in our minds. The more we think about it, the deeper the root grows and before we know what hits us we find ourselves in bondage. When God gave Adam and Eve the freedom to choose from any tree in the garden except for the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, he wasn't being stingy. He was giving them an opportunity to honor him by choosing to live by his grace and not by self-dependance. Adam and Eve did not have any problem with that until the devil planted the thought in their mind to question God's goodness. Now they are pondering over the possibility of them being like God themselves so that they can depend on their own wisdom. It eventually led to The Fall. Have you ever had a thought, even a subtle one, where your spirit is trying to say, NO this is not true or right? What started as just a thought soon became a possibility and then one day it became a reality. You see, it works the same with healthy ambitions, dreams and ideas.

The only way to counter the enemy's deception is by bringing in the truth. Just as light dispels darkness, truth exposes deception. It's not an issue of salvation but one of victory. The Bondage Breaker covers much more than our thought life but I felt this is particularly important....for me at least.

"...finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things" - St Paul to the church of Philipi

Anyone in for some mind-washing?

rk

Prayer Review

2005-10-14T15:37:00.000+08:00

What do you pray when you or your loved ones are facing a challenge? I know I'd most certainly pray for strength, courage, wisdom and perseverance. That is well and good. But more often than not, I'd also pray for some sort of deliverance or even instant relief. I'd ask God to make the path smooth and remove every obstacle so that the journey would be easier and safer. It's natural for us to ask that, I believe. We want God to cushion our journey. Most of us would not want to have to go through the pain if we can have our way.

2 months ago, I read a prayer by Rlp. It woke me up to see the things that I prayed for from a higher perspective . So, I have been rethinking some prayers I've made lately. It'll probably include something like this (modelled after Rlp's Moldova prayer).

I do not pray that we be untouched by misery, for you have not called us into a life of quiet bliss and easy voyage. Instead you have called us to see our journeys with your eyes and be broken on the jagged altar of human weakness . So I take a deep breath, wanting to be right on this, and I pray that our hearts be broken indeed, but that you keep our spirits whole. Yes, break our hearts, but let the breaking lead to a realization of our neediness and our dependance on you. Not only that but also let it lead to a new vision, a higher purpose, a quiet humility and an unshakable trust in you. When this phase of our journey is over, bring us home, freshly wounded and newly strengthened. We will remember our journeys. And then we shall see what you can do with a couple of people whose heart will beat for those who are broken among us.

rk

Rlp's inspiring prayer for Moldova can be found here.

Is there a Legion in you?

2005-10-07T10:28:00.000+08:00

"I want someone to pluck me off the side of the road and love me with total abandon. I’m not talking about God here, not something ephemeral, but a woman, a flesh and blood woman. A woman who’ll cast out my self doubt and drive it into the lake to be drowned. A woman who thinks I’m worth everything.
Maybe I’m being selfish or overly romantic. Maybe I’m expecting too much. Maybe I have to change things before that happens.
But human love, with all its heat and tumult, with all its disappointments and triumph, is still the closet thing we have to heaven on earth." - Legion by Waiter Rant

Waiter has written an extraordinary piece with this. Lots of food for thought here. Profound and honest. Very different from his usual fare I must say. It is unconventional for him to touch on something so personal and the way he does it is simply brilliant. I shall not spoil it by revealing too much here. Hope you'll find time to read it for yourself. And while you're there, do check out the string of comments it prompted. Quite amusing really......

Daddy's Girl

2005-10-04T22:52:00.000+08:00

Recently I opened a savings account for my parents. I wanted them to have access to ready cash whenever they're visiting. It is also a convenient way for me to deposit money to them whenever I can. I love and miss my parents. I have not been able to visit them as often as I would like, now that the kids have grown and are attending formal school. And with all the school activities lined up every term break, we can only afford to visit once or twice a year during the longer breaks. So sometimes, my parents would come visit us instead.

A month ago they made a trip here again. I was excited to finally be able to present them with the ATM card. They knew about it the month before. I've sent them a gift card with a color copy of the ATM card inside. I explained that I wanted them to have it. It was my way of showing my love for them. Mum called to thank me upon receiving it and also on behalf of my Dad. When they're finally here, I gave them the real thing. To my surprise but disappointment, my Dad refused to take it. I'm sure he didn't mean that he is not going to accept it but just that he didn't think he would be needing it for this trip. Yet I couldn't help feeling a little rejected. You know how it feels when you've tried to give someone a gift only to be rejected. He said he have enough and will ask me for it when he needs it. But the thing is, I do not want him or Mom to have to ask. I want them to have the freedom to use it whenever they feel like it. Somehow, it's just different if you have to ask for things.

Perhaps because deep inside, I've never gotten over the disappointment I felt I have brought to my Dad the day I decided not to pursue my studies. Maybe subconsciously this is one of my ways of making up, so to speak. I was about to turn 18 when my "O" Level results were out. I did fairly well and would not have any problem securing a place in a good school. I have always been a quiet and obedient child. I don't recall ever being rebellious, the way teenagers are rebellious these days. I have always cherished the special security I felt being the apple of my father's eye. I do not have a very good memory of past events but this is one thing that have stuck with me till now, though I can only recall them vaguely. I think it all started the day my Mom broke the news that she is planning to leave my Dad after knowing of his affair. I was about 9-years old maybe. I'm not sure, but definitely old enough to write. We were asked to choose who we wanted to follow. We were confused and for the first time, were really afraid of the prospect of losing either of our parents. I don't remember what our reply was but I recall writing out a secret letter to my parents. Haha...I was into written word even at that tender age. I think Dad was moved by that somehow. I can't remember what I wrote or what happened after that. But from then on, I think I hold a special place in his heart.

Fast forward to year 1990: I got my results and decided not to pursue my education despite my parents disapproval. Foolish, I know. But what was done was done. Dad was very upset and would not talk to me for days. When he finally did, he gave me 2 choices. Either I go back to school or I find myself a decent job and by that he meant, leave the country. You will have a brighter future in Singapore, he said. And I will always be grateful to him for that. So with that, he packed me off to a land I have never sat foot on but only studied about in Geography class. At age 18, I was in a foreign land with no friends, no family and my first real job in a world class hotel. A little intimidating I must admit. After a year, I saved enough money to finance a diploma course in Fashion Merchandising at the renown LeSalle Intl Fashion School. I was working and studying full time for a year. I requested to be on permanent night shift so I could attend classes in the day. It wasn't easy but I managed to cope. Dad was happy and proud that I've decided to study again. But it was short lived. Mid way through the course I discovered it wasn't what I had thought I would like to do. All those calculations were driving me nuts. On top of that, I met my husband around the same time and was distracted from my studies. So with only 3 more subjects to complete, I threw in the towel. Another stupid move, I know. Blame it on my lack of focus, increasing financial burdens due to the heavy course fees, an intense dislike for numbers and a lack of preserverence.

Dad was deeply disappointed and downright furious. I still remember standing in that phone booth at Raffles City, trying to come up with a script of how I should break the news. Somehow I found the courage to do it. His reply was expected. I was prepared for it. It was many years later that my Mom revealed to me what my Dad had told her then. It broke my heart to pieces. Dad told Mom that his precious diamond has turned into a stone. Mom would not have told me if only she knew how much I would be carrying that wound around. Dad never knew.

I have always loved and respected my father, despite his shortcomings. After I left home, I appreciated my parents even more. Even though Dad has a quick temper and a sharp tongue and extremely intimidating at times, which causes us to cover in fear whenever he is in a bad mood, he is also a very responsible father. Though he have his flings and treated my mother with contempt sometimes, he never once thought of abandoning us. Yes he can be hot headed, critical, stubborn and over bearing. But he has also loved us deeply, direct us the best he could and tried to be an understanding father, never wanting to interfere too much with our lives once we have grown up, believing that we are capable of making informed decisions. Letting your adult children choose their own path even though you know is not a wise one takes a lot of courage. He was from a humble beginning and knows the importance of education. He always encourages us to strive for academic excellence and taught us to be independent. He himself is an educated man. Though Dad is very liberal, he knows his boundaries. When we became adults, he'd love to have heart to heart conversations with us, be it through writing or over drinks if we managed to catch up. We greatly enjoy and treasure the times when we are able to meet as one big family, chatting over beer or a good dinner. Dad knows how to have a good time. He knows how to appreciate beauty. He can be very generous and is a true romantic at heart. Despite all the turbulence we have gone through as a family, mostly due to his ugly temperament and many affairs, he managed to keep this family intact. I have my mother to thank for that too. She is truly a women of preserverence and faith.

So you see, I have always wanted my Dad, a man I love and respect for all the reasons above and many more, to be proud of me. Every child wants their parents approval, especially their Dad's. It gives them a certain sense of security no one can ever give.

Then earlier this year, on Father's day, I gave him a call to wish him Happy Father's Day. I had written him a card to express my gratitude and appreciation for all that he has done for me and for this family. It must have moved him in some way (which reminded me of the first letter I wrote as a child), for he ended our phone conversation with this.

You have always been my precious little diamond and you still are.

Tears of healing flowed freely as I clutched to the phone. For the first time I felt I can get over the hurt I've buried all these years.

rk

Decisions Decisions

2005-09-20T17:24:00.000+08:00

It's decision time again and I am feeling rather shitty and apprehensive about it. Will try to get it over with before the night is over.

Have you ever believed in something so much that the very idea of giving-up is unthinkable? Each time you face a set back, and there have been many, you tell yourself that you can't give up now, not after all the battles you've fought and supposedly won. You just need an ounce of strength each time to keep going one hurdle at a time and before you know it, you'll see that it's all worth while. You psyched yourself into believing that this is what is needed. And so you debated with yourself and God even, on why you should or should not let it go. You asked for perseverance, wisdom and courage, and then more perseverance, wisdom and courage to make the right decision. You really do not want to give this up. It is dear to you. You'd do whatever it takes to keep it. But almost everything requires input from more parties than yourself alone. There is no such thing as a self made man. We are all reliant on each other, one way or another.

You've been a little tired of late. Trying to keep this going while not knowing if it's going to work out the way you've hoped for. You seem to get the impression that you're just wasting your time with something which no one really gives a damn. You convinced yourself that you're being selfless, though it is becoming increasing clear now that you have been prideful; putting your trust in your own will power. Everyone else can be the weak link but not you. All glory goes to you. It's always about you, you, you. Yeah....which sucks really, when you think about it. Even now, you're wallowing in self abasement.

And so you concluded it's time to quit. From now on you shall be free. Not that you have never been free. I am talking about freedom as a result of submission. Not the kind of letting go which results in the death of something cherished. But one of quiet submission to God's will.

Meanwhile, I'll go catch Cinderella Man. Who knows, God might just speak to me through Russell Crowe!

Wish me luck.

rk

Of Feast, Terrapins and Dragonflys

2005-09-19T23:56:00.000+08:00

It was slow and quiet at the office today. My friends, those I usually do lunch with, already have lunch plans. I have not brought my guitar and have not been bringing a book along for weeks now. The heavy downpour this morning had left the sky overcast and the air fresh and cool. A PUURFECT time to do lunch again. The other time it was a blazing 32 degrees!

I plugged in my earphones (thank God I've brought these at least) and headed down that familiar path once again, maneuvering through puddles of water along the way, feet shuffling over dead leaves that lined the path way. The sound of the water generator grew louder as I approach, as though beckoning me to come. The rhythemic swish-ing and swash-ing cuts through the silence of the little tunnel, dark and musty. I looked up at it for a while, watching it turn and turn. Round and round it goes just like how this little globe is, seasons come and seasons go but the earth never stops spinning. It is no respecter of person. It does not stop for the Katrina, neither does it when men walked on the moon. It provides a certain stability in an otherwise unpredictable world. As surely as the sun rises each morning, so will we have the blessing of each new day. To laugh, to cry, to heal, to restore.

I moved on from there, up the muddy slope and into a lush landscape of shrubs and little ponds. I wonder how the terrapins are doing. They seem to recognize my presence by now. I walked right up to the bridge overlooking the pond and looked down at the murky waters. Almost instantly, I saw formless shadows gliding just beneath the water surface. I can tell the whole family is approaching. They were headed right towards me. Finally mother popped her head and was looking intently at me. Before long her family was gathering around her. At least 7 of them. A couple of younglings were trailing behind. One attempted to get on mommy’s back. It was quite a heart-warming sight. Our eyes locked for several seconds before she ducked back into the waters. I wonder how's life like for you, we seem say to each other with our gaze. How is it like to be a mother terrapin stuck in a little pond? Do you fret about providing for your offsprings, have marital problems just like us, play referee when your little ones fight among themselves? Do you suffer pain the way we humans do? Do you fall in love? Do you wonder about God?

I guess the answer went with her as she disappeared into the waters. I walked further up towards the edge of the pond. Just above a grassy patch by the rocks I spotted a little dragonfly buzzing around. She was a fuchsia pink, her entire body! As though she had just emerged from a bucket of fuchsia dye. I have not seen them in any color other than the standard golden brown. I was amused. Maybe it's not a dragon-fly. I don't know. I'm not good with such things but was thrilled nevertheless. Sometimes, being overly knowledgeable takes the surprise and awe out of everyday living. The more I know the less I'm awed. I think I'll leave the "knowing all" to God and just enjoy his creation.

With my weight resting on the handrail of the bridge and my arms stretched out, I closed my eyes and let my mind drift away to where ever she wills. I wonder how this world would be like if what they say is true, that the God of the Bible, the God if creation, who cares for His creation, does not exists? Would it be a better place? Would there be no evil, no good, no love, no beauty, no nothing.......just and empty meaningless existence? I don't know really, but what I do know is that my life has been enriched in a very meaningful way ever since God became a part of it.

I turned and make my way back to the office, as this piece by Jaci Velasquez began to play.

As long as stars shine down from heaven
And the rivers run into the sea
Til the end of time forever
You’re the only love I’ll need

In my life You’re all that matters
In my eyes the only truth I see
When my hopes and dreams have shattered
You’re the one that’s there for me

When I found You I was blessed
And I will never leave You, I need You

Imagine me without You
I’d be lost and so confused
I wouldn’t last a day, I’d be afraid
Without You there to see me through

Imagine me without You
Lord, You know it’s just impossible
Because of You, it’s all brand new
My life is now worthwhile
I can’t imagine me without You

When You caught me I was falling
Your love lifted me back on my feet
It was like You heard my calling
And You rush to set me free

When I found You I was blessed
And I will never leave You, I need You

Imagine me without You
I’d be lost and so confused
I wouldn’t last a day, I’d be afraid
Without You there to see me through

Imagine me without You
Lord, You know it’s just impossible
Because of You, it’s all brand new
My life is now worthwhile
I can’t imagine me without You

Thank you Lord, I've had a feast.

rk

A Time Of Worship

2005-09-17T02:51:00.000+08:00

I've been following Drifter's Blog for a while but lately his blog has gone missing. I'm more than a little concerned. You'll know why if you know what he has been going through in his life. So I decided to drop him an email the week before to check if he's alright. You see, I don't know why I do such things. I mean, I don't even know this guy. He is just someone whose blog I've been following for a couple of months. I did feel very silly sending that email out. But now I am glad I did. I wasn't really expecting him to reply so when he finally did last night, I was quite relieved. He is alright and starting his life anew with a new blog. I shall not go into details because that is not the main point of this post.

The main point is that God had used the opportunity that a couple of gliches brought, to bring me into a time of worship. I couldn't sleep last night. There were many things on my mind. I needed to send Steven a reply immediately. And I've been burdened with a couple of issues of late which I wanna explore and write about in my blog. But my cranky system kept hanging and I finally had to pull the plug. Arghh..... talk about bad timing! So with my system gone, I decided to message a friend on my mobile. But discovered to my frustration that the battery was not gonna hold for long. This is a really "suay" (bad) night for me. I can't sleep and everything is not working. Even my iPod's battery is running out. Looks like I'm stuck with an burdened heart and no avenue to channel it out to. I decided finally to grab a glass of red and do myself a favor. It'll help me sleep easier, I figure. So there I was, sipping that berry flavored, mind relaxing drink as I used up the last bit of battery life in my iPod. That's the best I could think of. For some reason, the battery lasted longer than I expected cos I remembered playing and replaying Matt Redman's Once Again, over and over again.

There I sat on my futon with my legs stretched out and crossed, my glass glistening under the soft glow of the lamp above me. My mind swirling around those words as vignettes of recent weeks flashed before me.

Jesus Christ... I think upon your sacrifice
You became nothing... poured out to death

The night wasn't that bad after all

Many times... I've wondered at Your gift of life
And I'm in that place once again
I'm in that place once again

Yes Lord, come.....

Jesus Christ... I think upon your sacrifice
You became nothing... poured out to death
Many times... I've wondered at Your gift of life
And I'm in that place once again
I'm in that place once again

I lay all my cares before you
And just gaze upon your face

And once again I look upon the cross where you died
I'm humbled by your mercy and I'm broken inside

You know our brokeness, our pain, our loneliness
I know you cry with us

Once again I thank you
Once again I pour out my life

Lord I bring Chii, DC and Steven to you tonight, even myself
Let your healing love flood our heart Lord

Now You are... exalted to the highest place
King of the heavens... where one day I'll bow

Draw us to your bosom and let all else fade away
We come to you just as we are

But for now... I marvel at Your saving grace
and I'm full of praise once again

We have nothing to offer
But to draw upon your grace

I'm full of praise once again

We are not worthy.....yet you've received us
Your grace... your mercy......we are grateful for

Thank you for the cross
Thank you for the cross

Yes Lord....thank you

Thank you for the cross my friend

Thank you for the cross
(I'm humbled by the cross)
Thank you for the cross
(for I find so much mercy...so much grace)
Thank you for the cross my friend
(how can i...how can I ...how can I thank you....)

Thank you for the cross
Thank you for the cross
Thank you for the cross my friend

Who else would love us like you do

Thank you for the cross
Thank you for the cross
Thank you for the cross my friend

Thank you

By the time the battery ran out, I found myself on my knees, tears streaming down my face. Humbled. Thankful. Restored. Renewed. At rest. At peace. Silent, save for sobs of gratitude.

rk

Torn Within

2005-09-12T12:42:00.000+08:00

Late nights, good music and a glass of red is all that's needed to put me in a contemplative mood. Most of my writings here were birthed out of such moments. There is something about them that never fails to stir my heart. If only we could have this luxury on a regular basis, we would be well connected with our heart. I think they're such a thoughtful and necessasry gift, don't you? Well, maybe some of you would not approve of the red. I understand.

Something sobby is playing in the background now and I'm at my 2nd glass. So I'm thinking a lot. I'm thinking about a friend I have not seen for a while. We catched up over dinner the other night and she dropped a big revelation on me. She is seeing someone now. I was happy for her. She has been alone too long. Everyone needs love. We are made to love and be loved. To be able to give love a chance again after what she has gone through takes enormous courage. I am proud of her. The only problem is that she is not in a healthy and proper relationship. She knows that. I think she does.

I am like, really torn inside. When I say I'm torn, I really mean it. I do not know to react. I really wanted to say, Please don't do this, you are made for something better. But what right do I have? It's very difficult to see your friend destroying her life right in front of your own eyes and you're powerless to do anything. I mean, who am I to tell her that she is destroying her life? What right do I have? I was not there when she went through her hell. Who am I to judge now? If I had known her then and walked that hell with her, I'd have earned some right to speak now. But I have not. Do I know how it feels like to be in her circumstances? Can I comprehend the deep loneliness, disillusionment and hurt that drives her to accept second best? How can I deprive her of the love that she so deeply need by telling her that this is wrong? Yet....yet.... I know this relationship is just not right. All of us knows that deep within. I don't want to see her hurt beyond what she has already endured. Sometimes I just wish I could care less. Like I said before, let all be cursed and don't give a damn. But I can't. It's so frustrating!!!!!

I don't know if I should get my feet wet with this. I'm not sure if I'm fit for it. Every part of me is screamming, LAY OFF THIS. Stay away.

Only that my heart seems to be tugging the other way.

rk

Create Beauty Where There Is None

2005-09-08T12:43:00.000+08:00

Image from VisiualVoice Photo Gallery

"I'm trying to find something beautiful to focus on in the midst of a terribly ugly situation. Sometimes, you have to look really hard. Sometimes you have to create beauty where there is none. " - Susan of VisualVoice.net

In recent weeks, we saw tragedy after tragedy, from the Middle East to America to Asia. As if that's not enough, we have some self-professing christians raining condemnation upon those who have already lost everything. In times like this, it is difficult to be remain optimistic about the future. "Sometimes you have to create beauty where there is none". I couldn't have said it any better. Susan has written a beautiful piece about what is truly important at a time when everything seems bleak and uncertain and when desparate circumstances reveal the true condition of man's heart. Read all about it in Acts Of God.

rk

Musings from Boredomland

2005-09-06T12:27:00.000+08:00

Gosh. I'm so bored. It's been very quiet here without my friend Chii. She has been away for more than a week and still has another week to go. I'm surprised I take this separation much better than I thought I would. Apart from boredom I am pretty much alright. *big smile* Anyone who is in the know about how I handled it the first time will know this is HUGE progress. Sure, I still miss her lots but no longer with that "aching unto death" sort of feeling. Hahaha.....

I know, I know. It sounds real silly but sometimes we do down right silly things without regrets, don't we? Ahhh.....but that's part of being human no? (hah...excuses excuses) To be able to feel a wide range of emotions, now that's a gift. Yes, I'm saying emotions, feelings and desires are as much a gift of God as faith, love and hope. It is NOT unspiritual to have feelings or desires. (i can almost hear the charge of blasphemy coming. might just receive some flak for this) I believe they are there for a purpose. They can steer our heart towards the giver of all things good. I know there is a danger they might be abused or misinterpreted. But hey, almost any good gift can be abused. God gave us vineyard that bring forth wine and what do we do with it? We overdose. Drug was meant to be a gift of healing but we abuse that too and become addicted. Sex was God's idea of intimate pleasure but we perverted it and now it's considered by many as evil. Even faith can be abused. Some of us have more faith in our faith than in God. I can go on and on.

I think our problem is not that we have too much or too little of anything. I think our problem is that we suffer from amnesia too easily. An effect of the Fall, perhaps? We forget the purpose for which they exist. The moment we take our eyes off the giver and unto the gift, that's when we begin to abuse them.

Alright, I'm not sure if I'm making any sense. It happens when I'm bored.

Have a great weekend. I'm looking forward to next week!

rk

Deja Vu

2005-09-01T15:59:00.000+08:00

My mind is still fresh with dc's story yesterday. The freaky part is that it is all too familiar. Not that the story is familiar but the way which it affects me. It was only a year ago that another friend allowed me a peak into her world. It's all happening again with dc. I remember going through the same emotions. Flashes of our conversations are still fresh in my memory. Until today, a year and a half later, I still feel deeply for her. Perhaps because I have never immersed myself in another person's life as much I did hers. There were some hurdles to overcome but we hanged-on in spite of them. What we share is something that will always remain special to me. There is a certain sense of stability in our friendship now compared to the early days. It can be dangerous if I start taking that stability for granted. I pray I never will.

I don't know if I have the capacity to participate in something like that again. I recall the foolish mistakes I made due to my immaturity. It ended in a fierce spiritual battle within. I am not sure if I am ready to take on more. Not that it is a burden. Certainly not. Those were some of my happiest and most meaningful moments. It's just that, entering into another person's pain can be quite overwhelming at times and if we are not careful or developed enough in our character, the enemy can use it to distract and destroy us.

Our friends will not bid us come enter into their pain with them. We do that at our own risk. We might be rejected and hurt. But we might also experience one of life's greatest blessing - real friendship. Friendship that last not only a season but a lifetime.

I feel honored that dc is willing to share those dark secrets with me, someone she hardly know, especially when she knows I am a Christian and would not approve of certain lifestyle and relationships that she is in. I realize that we can love someone without approving of something we know is not right. We must extend grace and not be judgmental because all of us can be tempted the same way. Given the same circumstances, we might fall equally hard, if not worse.

"If you see another person sin openly, or commit a serious crime, you should not think of yourself as better, for you do not know how long you will be able to remain in good circumstances. We are all frail but you should think of no one as being frailer than yourself." - Thomas a.Kempis, The Imitaion of Christ (1427)